The next few months were very difficult to get through. I knew how pregnant I should have been and kept reminding myself, it was difficult not to as my baby was very fresh in my mind. I'd see pregnant women or women with babies and want so much to be in their position. Most of my cousins are grown up with children and babies of their own. I used to go and stay with them, looking after their children. I havn't done this nearly as often since as it was so unbearable. I could almost see my stomach swelling and imagine him in my arms. I just wanted the chance to have him and love him, to proove I could have done it. I found much comfort and yet pain in those words "I could have done it". Comfort in my knowledge but pain in that I never got the chance.
I sunk into a deep depression. I began to suffer from panic attacks. I am amazed that I'm still here and telling this. This was taken from my diary at the time:
"I just want it all to end, the only point to it all is gone. At work I heard someone say the word 'baby'. That triggered some painful thoughts. I have never wanted something more in my whole life, I wanted it so much that it hurts. The only thing that kept me going, gone."
Just over two weeks after my misscarriage I attempted suicide. By that time everything had just gotten too much and I couldn't face anymore tomorrows. I slashed my wrists but as usual I was too weak and it didn't work. I really wanted it to end then but I didn't bleed enough.
My parents took me to the doctor and I was referred to see a psychiatrist. I had my first appointment at the end of July 03, her name was Caroline. That September I was put on medication for depression. My psychiatrist was pregnant, this was ok until she started showing. I didn't get that far but I so wanted to. But she went on maternity leave in November so I began to see Tina. Her contract then ran out earlier this year and I have been seeing Sarah since then.
None of my therapists have known about my child. I wanted to tell them, at least one of them, I know that it would help me so much but I just havn't been able to. The idea of talking to someone real scares me so much. I almost told my friend once, but stopped myself soon enough. Because I am grieving alone I have found much refuge online.
I went back to self-harming straight after my miscarriage. Following that it was very difficult to cry. Sleep was an achievement too. It seemed my whole world had been spun around and then left upside down. It was only me who could pick up the pieces, but I was so weak. All holidays and special days were especially tough. I remember the week or so approaching my birthday was awful, I would have been 6 months pregnant for that date (August). It just didn't feel right getting on with life and doing things without him. Looking forward was a massive challenge.
I loved the name Winter from the moment I heard it. I remember thinking to myself "I want that name for my son". It's a beautiful name and also very unusual.
When I was pregnant I considered lots of names for boys and girls but Winter was always my favourite for a boy. I didn't have a favourite girls name, I just couldn't imagine calling my daughter by any of them. I guess this is another sign that my baby was a boy.
I hadn't been able to name my son until very recently and it has now been one year and three months since he died. For a long time he was just "my baby" or "my Star". I settled with that for a long time as it didn't feel right naming him, but now it doesn't feel right that he shouldn't have a name.
Although it had been my favourite boys name for a long time, soon after my miscarriage I couldn't consider calling any future sons by the name Winter. It wasn't that I had gone off the name, I guess I just unconciously knew that the name Winter was reserved for my first son.
