The facts spoke for themselves, I just had to deal with the consequences now. I decided that I wouldn't tell my parents until it was too late for me to have an abortion. I don't really know how they'd have reacted I just know that it wouldn't have been good. I was scared of them, scared of telling them and scared of how they'd react. I really wanted my baby and I wasn't going to give them a chance at convincing me otherwise. All I know is that an abortion would have left me with guilt, nightmares and regret. In the end that is what I got anyway, but at least I didn't choose it.
A few months before any of this happened I had an awful dream. The dream started at a family gathering of some sort. There was a baby there and I couldn't figure out who's baby it was. I went over and spoke to him, of course he didn't speak back (being a baby) but just being near him brought back memories. Suddenly I remembered whose baby he was; he was mine. And because in dreams wierd things happen, I started to remember the pregnancy and birth... but then a blank after that. He was mine and I knew it so I confronted someone about it. They told me that even though he was mine I wasn't allowed to have him; someone else would look after him. But I wasn't going to give up just like that. I argued for a while but then it brought too much attention towards me. They were all crowding round and I was afraid they'd take him, again. I could remember now the pain of loosing him the first time and I wasn't about to let that happen again. So I picked him up and ran. I kept on running but it was hard, the ground was uneaven and covered in some kind of plant. But then I tripped, fell, and woke up.
The dream was so real and I gradually remembered the events that took place in it during the course of the following day. When I remembered it all, it finally hit me. It really hurt and felt like so much more than a dream. This dream was one of the first things that made me realise that I could never have an abortion or have my baby adopted. If the pain of loosing a child in a dream was that intense then how was I meant to deal with loosing my child in real life and by my own choice?? In conclusion I was keeping my baby no matter what.
Having been previously depressed and suicidal I was probably not in the best position as a pregnant 14 year old and to make matters worse my boyfriend was not the baby's father. To be honset it wasn't the nicest of situations. But for once in my life (and it really was) I managed to look on the bright side of things. The following was taken from my diary at the time:
"... No one needs me. No one wants me. But my baby does! My baby needs me because I'm it's Mummy and I'm going to give my life for it. I can do it. I may well be only fourteen but when I'm fifteen I will have a baby, be a Mummy. I will take care of my baby and love my baby just as well as any other Mummy. I won't be any different and my baby won't miss out on anything. No way am I killing it. I'm going to let this baby live and I'm going to live for this baby. My baby will give me the energy to stop cutting myself and get on with my life. I can do this. I'm going to be a Mummy!"
And I was right, that is what happened. I loved him and did everything I could, but I guess it wasn't enough.
I found out lots of information online about pregnancy, birth, everything I needed to know. I monitored my baby's progress, reading up on what stage he was at, looking at photos, everything. I wish I had have told my GP and gone for an ultrasound. It would mean so much to me to have heard his heart beat and see his blury image move around on the screen. I'd have loved it and probably burst into tears too!
