On the 28th Febuary '03 I went to an old friends birthday party. I had known her since we were 3 but when we were 8 she moved away following her parents divorce. We stayed in close contact for about 4 years until we began to drift apart. It had been 2 years since I'd last seen her and so I knew none of her friends, and I barley knew her anymore either. But she had got back in contact with me and invited me along to her party.
That night I got paraletically drunk and I don't remember much of what happened. I know how stupid and irresponsible it was, but I didn't mean to get so drunk and I had no idea what would happen.
There was this boy who seemed friendly from the begining. He brought me drinks and got very drunk himself. I often wonder how much he remembers of that night. I remember him kissing and touching me, I remember trying to move away, I remember trying to speak. But I blacked out for too many hours. Maybe I should be thankful for all the alcohol for wiping whatever happened to me that night from my mind because otherwise it could have been so much more traumatising. But then again if it wasn't for the alcohol then none of this would have hapened anyway...
At the time I did have a boyfriend but we had not slept together, we had only been together for two weeks when I went to the party. I told him about it; what I remembered at least (the kissing and touching). I felt guilty and as if I had cheated on him, but I realise now that it wasn't my fault. I didn't actually do anything.
A few weeks later my period didn't come when it was due, so I waited a few days but there was still nothing. I told my someone who was my friend at the time, she laughed at me. For some reason she didn't think I was being serious. We fell out about a week later anyway.
I got some light spotting and expected a period to follow. I was upset by this as I had just got used to the idea that I might be pregnant. I've always loved the idea of having children, and I'm very good with them too. The prospect of becoming a mother was really exciting! But no period did follow. This both pleased and scared me; if I was pregnant then I definatly wanted to keep the baby but at the same time I was only 14.
I decided to take a pregnancy test if I missed a second period, and until then I wouldn't do anything that could harm the baby (no smoking or drinking etc). I even started saving money. Another thing I did was stop self-harming.
I suffer from depression and for almost two years the only thing that would numb the mental pain was to inflict physical pain upon myself. They sort of cancelled each other out. I achieved this though cutting, which is very addictive because when it happens it triggers the release of "feel-good" hormones into the brain. Something I did for my baby was stop. I did this because I wanted him to have the best chances at life, but if your mother is messed up then that isn't a good start at all.
