Raise the flag of piracy, sing the song of victory
Glorious in battle are we
We've never known defeat, we never will retreat.
We live to hear the cannon roar,
And terror is our sempahore
Victoriously loathsome are we,
We rob the rich, the poor; then steal a little more.

Victory, we fight to win
Victory is ours again
We are the scourge of the land and sea
Beastly pirates are we.

Masters of the briny sea,
We'll go down in history.
Couragous men who live by the sword
We deal in treachery, the kings of lechery.
Raise the anchor, trim the sail
We raid tonight if winds prevail
Invincible we fight to the end
United to a man, we need no battle plan.

Victory, we fight to win
Victory is ours again
We are the scourge of the land and sea
Beastly pirates are we.

It's so pitable a sight, to see them walk the plank
They squirm and cry for mercy regardless of their rank.

Victory, we fight to win
Victory is ours again
We are the scourge of the land and sea
Beastly pirates are we.

Victory

---
Ted: Well that's how they did it in Hollywood with stars like Errol Flynn and Douglas Fairbanks. If you would like to join me on the deck of the ship, we'll be having the second part of the show for you. We'll show you how the pirates really did it, a little sword fight. okay, join me up there.

[music "We are the Pirates" in background, Mabel and sisters enter]

Mr. Barish, the Ice Cream Vendor: Come along now, over here! Introducing Pirate Gold. Get your Pirate Gold.

Mabel: Thank you

Mr. Barish: We're giving them away free. hahaha. Lovely ice cream. And to you sir, a lovely free sample.

Blind Musicican: Oh, bless you, thank you my child, thank you. Bye.

Mabel: I'm with them.

Ticket Taker: Just turn that thing down, okay?

Mabel: okay

Ticket Taker: Come on, hurry up!

----
[The two presenters clash words for the spectators]

Chris: Ladies, ladies, anybody want to learn the art of swordsmanship from the master of cut and thrust, lunge and parry, in and out? Huh?

Rose: Yeah, she'll do it.

Mabel: You guys!

Chris: Great, here you are. Now come up here. That's it. [Mabel drops her ice cream cone] Sorry. hmm... Not bad, guess you'll have to do. What's your name?

Sisters: Mabel

Chris: Mabel...hmm...okay, okay. Mabel, get your stick up. Here you go, right?

Mabel: Ole

Chris: Ole, um, ole. Well here look, first, atta girl, put both hands around, two legs together. And it's not ole, it's touche, meaning touch. Mabel: Touch.

Chris: Now less than a hundred years ago, pirates used to really operate around here, raping and pillaging.

M:abel God, I would hate to be pillaged.

Chris: Killing. Note the foot work. Right. Face so, lunge so, and....my point penetrates you. Give her a hand girls, give her a hand. Way to go, come on down here. Very good, very good. Hey Myrtle.

Mabel: Mabel, okay?

Chris: uh, Mabel. Sorry. Listen...I'm going to be taking my boat later to Pirate Rock, to do a bit of skin diving, searching for some treasure. Wanna come?

Mabel: Me? You're kidding?

Chris: No, listen, I got a great boat, bunks and everything. Oh hey, why don't you bring a few of your friends along, it's going to be great fun.

---
[At Chris' ship, the Virgo. All of the sisters, except Mabel are there.]

Chris: You too? All of you? Hey stop it! Where's Mabel?

[Cut to Mabel getting provisions at the local McDonald's. "Stand up and Sing" is playing from the boombox.]

Sister: Hey quickly, let's get moving, here she comes.

Chris: Ah, Mabel, for awhile there I thought you weren't going to make it. [The sisters start the boat, leaving Mabel on the pier.] What are you doing? Stop! What's going on?

Edith: Better luck next time.

Chris: Stop fulling around, will ya. Come on, you can't leave here there.

Sisters: Bye.

Sister: Go play with your Barbie dolls.

[Mabel sees boats for rent]

---
Mabel: Hey you guys, it's me Mabel. Wait! Hey! Hey you guys wait!

[She is knocked into the water and is washed ashore where she begins to dream.]

---
[On a Pirate ship that is in battle]

Frederic: Fire! Fire! Here they come!

Samuel: Captain, I found your sword.

Pirate King: The last battle of Frederic's youth, Sam. Isn't he wonderful?

Frederic: Stand by to repel boarders!

[the Chinese board the ship, the sword fighting begins]

Samuel: Captain.

Pirate King: I told you to order Chinese, this is ridiculous.

[more fighting]

Pirate King: Happy birthday, something special Frederic. Look out!

[more fighting and the Pirates win]

Pirate King: A moment lads. He is their captain.

Chinese Captain: Spare me.

Pirate King: An Irish tenor no less. We could use an Irish tenor lads. [the Pirate Kings accidently runs him through with a sword] Soprano, even better.

---
[land is spotted]
Lookout: Land ho! Land ho!

Pirate: Set sail!

Pirate King and the Pirates:
Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Then play a hypocritical part
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the world across the seas,
Where pirates all have law degrees,
But I'll be true to the song I sing
And live and die a pirate king.

For I am a pirate king (You are, hurrah for a pirate king).
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Pirate King.
I am a Pirate King (You are, hurrah for a pirate king).
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Pirate King.
(It is, hurrah for a pirate king, hurrah for the Pirate King)

When I venture forth to seek my prey,
I crush my foes in a royal way.
The ladies yield and the ships go down,
Or is it the other way around?
But many a king in a guilded tower,
If he wants to cling to pomp and power,
Must manage somehow to get through
More dirty work than ever I do.

For I am a pirate king (You are, hurrah for a pirate king).
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Pirate King.
I am a Pirate King (You are, hurrah for a pirate king).
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be the Pirate King.
(It is, hurrah for a pirate king, hurrah for the Pirate King)

Pencilstub, the Dwarf Pirate: He tore that god-damned sail again.

Pirates: Again?

Pirate King: Sew that up love. Today Frederic you join us as a full fledged member of our band. Your apprentinceship papers, 21 today. Speak!

Frederic: I hope to spare you this. Thou as friends I love you all, but today, today I leave you forever.

Pirate King: What? Why this is lunancy!

Frederic: I can not forget, I can not forget it was cut-throats such as you who murdered my family and left me an orphan.

Pirate King: Not fair Freddy, we're orphans ourselves. We would never hurt an orphan.

Frederic: Yes I know but I fullfilled my contract, and I feel honorbound to devote myself heart and soul to your extermination.

Pirate King: Extermination? Sounds a little harsh Frederic.

Frederic: Such is my sense of duty.

Pencilstub: [Raspberries]

Pirate King: Well if you conscientiously feel that it is your duty to destroy us, we can not really blame you. It's the way I've raised you.

Frederic: I've been... I've been as low and vicious as I could, but something inside tells me there's more to life. I know it.

Pirate King: More, more than piracy?

Frederic: Lately I've been restless and consumed by some inner fire. And all I think about is girls.

Ruth: I've waited twenty years for this.

Pirate King: The sea, Frederic, is a jealous mistress, but she is her own reward. Believe me you missed nothing. Tell him men, have you missed anything these twenty years at sea?

Pirates: SEX!

Frederic: What about love?

Pirate King: Love for a pirate is the kiss of a salt wind, the curve of a white sail, the whisper of an enemy's well-slit throat. That's love Frederic. Show him shipmates.

[various muscle displays from the Pirates]

Frederic: I'll miss you, I'll miss you all very much, but my mind is made up.

Pirates: ah, shit!

Pirate King: Then so be it.

[Samuel distracts Frederic and removes his sword.]

Samuel: What's that, man? What's that? Oh, my mistake. See you later.

Pirate King: I know you'll think me just an old softie, but in return to all your years of loyal service, I make you captain of your own ship. Hahahaha.

Frederic: I shall command her with pride and someday...

Pirate King: There's always a someday Frederic.

[The Pirates force Frederic to jump ship]

Sameul: Hang five honky!

[Frederic dives into the sea]

Lookout: Land ho!

--
Sisters:
Climbing over rocky mountain,
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver.
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever-rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain
Threading long and leafy mazes
Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies,

Aphrodite: Mabel! Mabel!

Edith: Oh let her be. Who needs her? She's a disgrace to the noble name of Stanley! Just look at her! I wouldn't wear a dress like that to bed!

Kate: I think that's the whole idea.

Edith: Wash your mouth out! What is she looking for?

Isabel: Love!

Edith: Well, she'll have a long wait! She's the youngest, and by noble custom the eldest must marry first! Which makes me first...

Kate: Me second.

Isabel: And me third.

Aprhodite: Gees, we'll all be fifty.

Sisters:
Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Worship nature while we can,
Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Far away from any man.

Mabel: Do you believe that song?

[Mabel goes to a secluded spot while the sisters frolic]

Sisters:
Climbing over rocky mountain,
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever-rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain
Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Worship nature while we can,
Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Far away from any man.
Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Worship nature while we can,
Far away from any man.

---
[Frederic is asea on his dinghy when Ruth swims up with his boots]

Ruth: Oh Freddy, you always were a careless boy.

Frederic: Thank you.

Ruth: By the way, was that a definite 'no' back there?

Frederic: Ruth, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but tell me honestly, now compared to other women... are you beautiful?

Ruth: Oh, I have been told so.

Frederic: Ah, but lately?

Ruth: Yes, by Samuel, though he was drunk at the time.

[Frederic hears the sisters singing and swims to join them]

Ruth: oh Freddy...

---
Sister: Oh come on girls, come in, it's lovely and warm.

Frederic: Hi, hi! Wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deflower you.

Kate: Help it's a pirate! Run girls for your lives!

Frederic: Pirate? No, no, not any more... Ladies, I'm not a pirate. I promise you. Look no tatoos, nothing... Girls!

[Sisters hide, Frederic goes down the beach discourged, see's Mabel]

Frederic:
When will I find I love?
Where will she be,
And if she's out there will she wait for me?

Mabel:
How will he know me?
Will I know him?
Is there no end to all my questioning?

Frederic:
Can I believe what I am seeing, what I am feeling
Something so rare, watching her there
She makes my heart stop.

Mabel:
Can I believe what I'm feeling, my head is reeling,
He just looked my way, from the start I can say
I will give him everything.
Strange emotions wash over me
Like the motion of the deepest sea,
And I feel

Frederic and Mabel:
First love (I need nobody but you),
You're all I'm dreamed of (I will be constant and true),
Love moves me inside like the moon moves the tide.
My first love.
Some kind of miracle brought your here
Just when I'd given up hoping.
From the moment when you first appeared,
I could feel my whole life opening in

First love (I need nobody but you),
You're all I'm dreamed of (I will be constant and true),
Love moves me inside like the moon moves the tide.
My first love. And I promise to be true to you
My first love.

[kiss]

Mabel: Not bad.

Frederic: Thanks.

Mabel: Do you live around here?

Frederic: I've never lived til now....So the good pirates arrived too late to save my parents- rest their souls- but my mother hurled me through the flames into the King's arms then he raised me as his own apprentice.

Mabel: You poor thing. Pirates! You mean like walking the plank? Buried treasure? Hack, slash, off with his head, and the Jolly Richard, and everything?

Frederic: Roger.

Mabel: oh, Roger I love it.

Frederic: No, Frederic without a 'k'.

Mabel: Mabel, also without a 'k'. God, we have so much in common.

Frederic: Mabel?

Mabel: Pretty bad, huh? Frederic: No, I love it. Mabel...listen, I know this is going to sound silly, but I think I love you. And I think I might even want to marry you.

Mabel: God, that was a short love scene, but yes. Oh no, we've got this dumb custom. There's got to be a way out. We've got to see my father.

Frederic: Listen, I haven't much practice at seeing fathers.

Mabel: Well don't worry. He's just he same as any other ordinary Major-General.

Frederic: Major-general! oh no, no, no, no, no.

Mabel: Frederic, trust me.

Frederic: Wow, come here. Gee, I thought the bell came afterwards.

[The ship enters the coves, the Pirates ogle the girls]

Pirate King: Helmsmen, hard of... hard of... Reverse? Hard of Backwards? No, no, no. Sam. what is that saying? Hard of...?

Samuel: of hearing.

Pirate King: Hard of...

[The ships crashes into beach. The Pirate leap after the girls]

Frederic: Pirates! With lust in their heart! Your sisters are in danger of their virute, their very lives.

Pirate King: Come back here you sex-crazed bilgerats! This is mutiny!

Frederic: Mabel - don't move!

Pirate King: A little close to the curb.

Frederic: This is one time when you're not going to rape, pillage and plunder.

Pirate King: Oh really? hahaha.... Take it easy lads, don't hurt or maim them.

[The Pirates chase the beckoning sisters up the cliffs and on the garden where the gain the upper hand]

Pirate King: Ho-ho, Frederic! Are your loins so hot that you'd have them all and none for us? Well now, who dare's distrub our dalliance?

Mabel: I do.

Frederic: What?

Pirate King: Well now, you've saved the best til last. Frederic: Keep out of this Mabel!

Pirate King: Mabel?

Mabel: You'll be hung!

Pirate King: Oh I am, I am, and very well thank you.

Mabel: You set Frederic and my sisters free or die!

[Mabel and the Pirate King duel]

Mabel: Ole!

Frederic: Touche! Touche!

Pirate King: You see the blade grows heavy. She can not raise it to my heart.

Mabel: I'm not aiming at you heart. I'll see you get a thousand lashes.

Pirate King: Promises, promises. Well, if you love half as well as you fight...

Frederic: No! Mabel! Tell him!

Pirate King: What could she say to foil our sport?

Mabel: My father is..

Chorus: Yes?

Mabel: A major-general.

Chorus: A major-general?

Samuel: That'll do it.

Frederic: Yes, yes, He is a major-general!

Sisters: Yes, yes, he is a major-general!

Stanley: Yes, yes, I am a major-general!

Mabel: Papa!

Stanley: Not now dear, I'm on.
I am the very model of a modern Major-general,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral.
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical,
From Marathon to Waterloo and inorder categorical.
I'm very well acquainted with matters mathematical,
I understand equations both the simple and quadratical.
About binomial theorem I am teeming with a lot of news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
(With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.)

Mabel: Papa!

Stanley: This is my big number. Now play along with this, our lives may depend upon it.
I am very good at intrical and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculus.
In short in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major general.
(In short in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern major general.)

Verse two:
I comprehend contemporary culture North American.
I straighten more piratical erections than Bo Derek and,
I'm in to EST and all the rest, I've undergone analysis,
I've jumped beyond the gravitude to permanent paralysis.
My muse is into music, but my credit I'll not trouble you,
From R&B to S&M, cross over C&W,
To groovin' with the Doobies in my Malibu white-souling tones.
Man, I'm older than the Beatles, but I'm younger than the Rolling Stones.
(He's older than the Beatles, but younger than the Rolling Stones.)
My military knowledge for I'm plucky and adventury.
Embraces M*A*S*H and Star Wars and the 22nd century.
Yes sir in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major general.
(In short in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern major general.)

Well, now that I've introduced myself I should like to have some idea what's going on in my garden.

Mabel: Papa, we- I mean Frederic and ...

Pirate King: Permit me. I'll explain in two words. It's a beach party and I'm Frankie Avalon.

Samuel: And I'm Annette Funicello.

Edith: Don't listen to them, Papa. They're Pirates. The famous Pirates of Penzence!

Stanley: What! The Pirates of Penzence! The very rogues who stole my family's fortune on the high seas a score of years ago!

Samuel: Our last score was years ago.

Mabel: All except this gentleman. He was a pirate but who now means to go straight as my husband.

Samuel: Heh, you fox!

Pirate King: I'll be the best man, naturally.

Stanley: An idea. Tell me... have you ever known what it is to be an orphan?

Pirates: Ah, shit!

Pirate King: An orphan, sir? and a fine thing a too. Of course you may go. You are all free. Come lads, we have a ship to float. Free her keel and raise that chain doodah.

Samuel: Anchor?

Pirate King: No Sam, just disappointment. Another twenty years at sea shall ease this pity melancholy.
For I am the Pirate King
And I'll buy this orphan thing.
We'll go away, without dismay
but we'll be returning...

Frederic: Are you all right?

Mabel: Fine. Frederic: I don't trust these guys. Mabel: Not that fine.

Frederic: You know, I thought I'd lost you, but I'll light a thousand candles for the luck that kept you safe.

Mabel: Luck? I almost took that twit.

Frederic: You did well, for a woman, but now there's a man's work to be done. I'm going to keep watch until their ship is safely over the horizon.

Mabel: Woman? Papa, about this custom...

Edith: Yes, about this custom! I'm the eldest at 23.

Mabel: 33.

Stanley: All right, back to the castle the lot of you. Off you go!

Mabel: Papa -

Stanley: The custom is irrelevant. Younger or oldest, I can not allow you marry this penniless adventurer. He's a nasty pirate person. Even besides- he's poor.

Frederic: They're anchoring outside the cove.

Stanley: Common fellow.

Mabel: But what if he wasn't poor?

Stanley: Hmm?

Mabel: Diamonds, rubies, gold coins.

Stanley: What a nice boy!

Mabel: Even if it wasn't his money?

Stanley: Well, for your happiness...Whose money?

Mabel: Yours

Stanley: Mine?

Mabel: The family treasures, stolen from you by the pirates. Supposing Frederic were to recover the treasure...minus salvage rights, expenses, attorney's fees, my commission...

Stanley: And if he fails?

Mabel: if he fails, we'll shack up.

---
Mabel: Here's what we do, we swim out to the ship, board it, get the stolen treasure and swim back. Easy, right? What's the matter?

Frederic: I've never seen a woman like that before.

Mabel: The body's an eight, the brain's a ten, so let's go.

---
Mabel: So where is it?

Frederic: It's not here.

Mabel: Well where is it?

Frederic: It fell overboard on an uncharted reef, but there's map.

Mabel: Where?

Frederic: The King's got it

. Mabel: The King's got it? Well how do we get it?

Frederic: It's tattoed on his back.

Mabel: Tattoed on his back?

Frederic: Yes, but no one's ever seen it, he never takes his shirt off in public.

Mabel: I'll make him take his shirt off.

Frederic: How?

Mabel: Get something to write on and meet me below.

Frederic: okay, okay.

---
Pirate King: Ole! Sam? Reveal yourself or die! Nymph! Nymphette!

Mabel: Nympho. I was in the neighborhood and I saw your light on.

Pirate King: Today you tried to kill me.

Mabel: Well, some people send flowers. I fancy a chap, I try to kill him.

Pirate King: Come on my little nymphette. You can trust me. Come on.

Mabel: Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just glad to see me.

Pirate King: Oh..

Mabel: Why don't you, um, take off your shirt.

Pirate King: No. Tell me what the age of consent is around here?

Mabel: Eighteen.

Pirate King: Good. I'm old enough.

Mabel: Uh, how about drink?

Pirate King: Great Idea let's get sloshed. Help yourself. There's some on the windowsill.

Mabel: (to Frederic) Get out of here!

Pirate King: Cheers!

Mabel: Bottom's up.

Pirate King: Ah-ah, lady's choice. I like that. Now.. My love, put on old sailor out of his misery. Let's try taking your shirt off.

Mabel: No, no how about you? You first!

Pirate King: Why?

Mabel: Because I'm shy and I'm also a feminist, and that naturally means the man goes first.

Pirate King: Wonderful, nice to meet a woman who know's her place.

Mabel: Oh!

Pirate King: Two hunderd and two push-ups a day. Now..

Mabel: I need some fresh air. (to Frederic: No!) Goosebumps, I've got goosebumps.

Pirate King: Push-ups, I recommend push-ups. We'll fix this window, then we'll fix your goosebumps, my little nympho.

Mabel: I know all about art, I just don't know what I like. This is a very...

Pirate King: Surely, you don't tease?

Mabel: No, there's just this one little thing I forgot to tell you. [Whispers in his ear]

Pirate King: Hmm... You ready for this? Mabel: Go for it. oh, this is just perfect... oh my, oh those muscles...oh I'm gonna faint, I'm gonna faint...oh that's just so good, it's perfect, just a little more to the left, oh that's great. Oh I like that...that's good, that's very good, I like that, just a litte..just a litte to the...oh that's so good...oh I love it, oh god I can't stand it anymore. If you don't stop I'll die. More, more, more, more. Oh that's wonderful, more. Oh my god, just a little to the left. Oh my god this is incredable. Oh, you are really turning me on, I must say. This is wonderful.

Pirate King: You ready yet?

Mabel: There's just one more thing...

Pirate King: There is? [] You and your little games. I love an intersting woman. Where are you my little nymphette?

[Mabel exits and Ruth enters]

Pirate King: Where are you? Where are you? Be gentle Mabel? Mabel, your goosebumps have grown!

---
Frederic: So that was sex, huh? I don't see what there is to get so excited about.

Mabel: Where's the map? What's are those things for?

Frederic: Well, I put a hole in the ship, and it's sinking. After all, they were my friends.

Mabel: Oh, Frederic.

Parrot: Look out! Traitors aboard! Traitors aboard! Help!

Mabel: Jump!

Frederic: I hope it's not cold.

Pirate: Cowards! I can see you now. Stop swimming. You'll regret this.

Frederic: You're sinking. Sink! Sink! Wahoo!

---
Mabel:
(Keep pumpin', blowin'; keep pumpin', blowin')

Hey it's an old wives' story,
Said it's old wives' tale.
It said love is glory, I tell you love's so frail.
Loving needs a bandage, and intensive care,
And it's a disadvantage, when you're playin' fair.

If you're treading water, and romance is on the slide,
Don't you know you have to swallow something more than water;
It's your pride.

Ah-huh, I've huffed and puffed
Just to keep love going.
I'm done, I've had enough
A pumpin' and a blowin'.

(Keep pumpin', blowin'; keep pumpin', blowin')

You know a woman's labor is never, ever done.
So could you do me a favor, and father tell your son:
If he's treading water, and romance is on the slide,
Don't you know you have to swallow something more than water;
It's your pride.

Ah-huh, I've huffed and puffed
Just to keep love going.
I'm done, I've had enough
A pumpin' and a blowin'.

---
Mabel: Papa, we're home. Big surprise. Frederic, over here.

Stanley: Right on cue.

Mabel: Actually there's more room over here, can we bring it over here? Right there in the corner. You're going to love this Papa. Right here, yeah, on the floor. Actually the table might be better because when we open it, it will look really great. Papa look! We've restored the family fortune. All your sentimental treasures: gold bars, krugerrands.

Stanley: Break?

Frederic: Oh no, just a little bent?

Stanley: Pink ball in the corner pocket.

Frederic: The Pirates are at least twenty minutes behind us. Plenty of time for your army to ambush them.

Stanley: Army, what army?

Frederic: I blew it.

Mabel: Frederic will raise an army.

Stanley: Well in yonder village, there is a force of yeomenry, stout in limb and spirit dedicated to the rules of the law. But they lack a leader.

Mabel: Of course you'll lead them.

Stanley: What? Me? No, no, no, my dear. I've had my moments of glory. Why be selfish. My boy, the job is yours. Rid of these villians and Mabel's hand is yours, not to mention the best parts.

Frederic: Sir, I'll ride straight away to lead these good men.

---
Frederic: I've been at sea since I was one. How the hell would I know who to ride a horse. Well I give it my best shot.

Pirate King: Famous last words, Frederic.

---
Pirate King: Tailor made, Frederic.

Frederic: Uh, if it's all the same to you. I'd rather be buried at sea.

[They duel into the library]

Ruth: Sssh!

Frederic: Ruth!

Ruth: Yes, plain old Ruth. Here Commander!

Frederic: Now come on, was I that bad to you?

Ruth: Able Seaperson Frederic prepare to die!

Pirate King: No. That was for the life perservers. You're coming back us, aren't you Freddy?

Frederic: No, because I've sworn to vanquish you all.

Pirate King: Freddy, you'll be the death of me.

Frederic: Gladly!

Pirate King: My once apprentince? I taught you all you know. Don't make me teach you how to die.

[More dueling eventually onto the roof]

Frederic: Geronimo!

Pirate King: Frederic!

Frederic: Ah, what's the matter? Losing you're grip?

Pirate King: Can't we find somewhere safe to kill each other?

[Dueling back into the chapel]

Pirate King: Careful, you might cut yourself. Cheers.

Frederic: Huh, out of breath?

Pirate King: Save yours it may be your last. [] Head of the family.

Frederic: Get out of this one Commander!

Pirate King: Hello sailor.

[And finally back into the library]

Pirate King: We must stop meeting like this. Drop it or...

Frederic: Nuts!

Pirate King: Them too.

Ruth: Oh why don't you too get on with what we came for.

Pirate King: Heart or throat?

Frederic: Heart.

Voice: The force Frederic, remember the Force.

Pirate King: Did I teach you that?

Frederic: Nah, I saw it in a movie once.

Ruth: Listen you two! Oh, men! Kill him now and you'll never hear his secret.

Frederic: Secret, what secret?

Pirate King: Very good. Your deed of apprenticeship, the fine print. Your date of birth?

Frederic: Febraury 29, 1856.

Pirate King: A leap year.

Frederic: I don't get it.

Pirate King: You were apprenticed to us...

Frederic: Until I reached my twenty-first year

Pirate King: No, no, no, until your twenty-first birthday. Leap years only happen every four years, and going by birthdays you're only five and a quarter.

Frederic: What?

Pirate King: I merely make you aware of it Frederic, and leave the rest to your sense of duty.

Ruth: Yes, duty! Frederic: Duty and honor are all I have. That's the one good thing you taught me. So whatever it costs me, I will do my duty.

Pirate King: Good lad!

Frederic: Then I guess I must tell you. General Stanley, Mabel's father, he's got your treasure hidden here, and he's raising an army to slaughter you. Us.

Pirate King: A fight? Us? Splendid!

Ruth: Nobody loves a stoolie.

Frederic: Love, oh my god- Mabel! Give me an hour to say farewell forever.

Pirate King: An hour? When I was your age I could say farewell three times in an hour. But not forever. We'll be taking the ladies with us.

Frederic: What? Mabel would rather die!

Pirate King: Well that can be arranged. We march on the castle tonight. They are doomed.

---
Frederic:
I know she'll never understand.
I gave my word before we met,
So I just can't go breaking it.
She'll say she thinks I'm out of touch
I've let my duty, honorbound, come between the love we've found.

How can I live without her when she's all I'm livin' for? (I'm livin' for)
How can I live without her, live like I did before?
Now I can see through her eyes how good love could be
How can I live without her when she's gone?

No matter what the future brings,
I'll hold the memories in my heart
No matter how long we're apart.
She'll always be the only one,
Her name forever on my lips
She's slipping through my fingertips.

How can I live without her when she's all I'm livin' for? (I'm livin' for)
How can I live without her, live like I did before?
Now I can see through her eyes how good love could be
How can I live without her when she's gone?

Mabel: Live without who? What are you doing in there?

Frederic: Oh, hiding.

Mabel: Hiding, my Frederic hiding? It cannot be the lionheart trembles at the coming conflict. My love, a wimp!

Frederic: No, Mabel! A terrible disclosure's just been made.

Mabel: Then zip it up.

---
Mabel: You mean when I'm 84, you'll still be 21?

Frederic: Yep.

Mabel: It could be fun.

Frederic: No, Mabel! The tragedy completely eludes you, doesn't it?. Don't you see? I won't even be able to marry you until...1940!

Mabel: Frederic, you're not gay are you?

Frederic: No! No.

Mabel: I mean the way you and that Pirate King get around in those rather feminine pleated shirts and all that leather.

Frederic: Mabel! Mabel: Heh, I'm not prejudiced. What's this country got a navy for? Screw them if they can't take a joke. Frederic: You're weird. Mabel: All kidding aside Fred, tell me this...are you a virgin? Frederic: I don't know.

Mabel: Near enough. But you'd have me die one?

Frederic: No!

Mabel: But you put your 'sense of duty' before me, before the lives of my whole family.

Frederic: But I have to. It's my duty. That's all I know. That's all I know

Mabel: Frederic, these are the 1880s. You can't live your life by the outmoded conventions of a neo-imperialist society. Find your true center.

Frederic: What? You mean Zen piracy?

Mabel: Frederic, have you ever worn a whalebone corset? Well no, we established that, didn't we? It chokes and strangles Frederic. I won't be choked and strangled by someone else's dumb ideas of custom and duty. Would you Harry, would you? Never to know the rich and real, wondrous person beating and throbbing inside me. Frederic, can you see me throbbing?

Frederic: I see! I see! I'm throbbing too!

Mabel: Your duty is to us, tell him Harry! To our love!

Frederic: You know, you're right, you're right, love is everything!

Mabel: Love is everything. Now go and massacre those oafs.

Frederic: I can't. Mabel, you say you love me.

Mabel: As midnight loves the moon.

Frederic: Who am I? You've only known me for a day or two. A sailor's who has spent all his life at sea...and knows nothing, nothing about life, or ladies, only love. And ff I should change, if I should change to keep your love, changing it just might lose it.

Mabel: And that's the bottom line? To hold you I have to let you go.

Frederic: See you in 1940, but I'll try for 1939!

Mabel:
Love, show me the way when I am lost and hope begins to fade.
Love, timeless and true, whenever I need strength I look to you
Tonight
My faith is strong enough to see me through tonight
He's gotta trust in love the way I do
We gotta hold on tight, tonight.

Hold on
Nothing's gonna stop us if we just believe in love.
Hold on
There's nothing under heaven we can't overcome.
Hold on

Now I see a way
How the tide will turn and the part I'll play.
It's all part of a plan
You don't have to know or understand
Tonight
I'll see it all unfold before my eyes, tonight
With fortune on our side and love to guide me
The future is looking bright, tonight

Hold on
Nothing's gonna stop us if we just believe in love.
Hold on
There's nothing under heaven we can't overcome.
Hold on

And though the road ahead may be unknown,
We'll make it if we hold on.

---
Stanley: Sorry Meadows.

Mabel: How the hell are you Meadows? Papa, Frederic has just crossed over to the enemy! There's barely time for you to reach our forces and lead them!

Stanley: Lead? I can't lead. I'm planning strategy.

Mabel: Papa.

Stanley: Just a snort or two for courage.

Mabel: Courage?

Stanley: Well I'm a theoretical soldier. The very model of a modern major...I am the very, very...very...Won't go off. It's not loaded.

Mabel: But you are. Papa, I'm going to lead our fearsome force against the foe. How much to keep this quiet?

Stanley: Now listen young lady...

Mabel: No, I'll tell you. If we win, a full pardon for Frederic.

Stanley: That's blackmail!

Mabel: A full pardon!

Stanley: Damn cheek! With women leading armies, we'll never have another decent war again.

Mabel: So true... so true.

---
Policemen:
When the foeman bares his steel, (Tarantara! tarantara!)
We uncomfortable feel, (Tarantara!)
And we find the wisest thing, (Tarantara! tarantara!)
Is to slap our chests and sing, (Tarantara!)
For when threatened by the brutes, (Tarantara! tarantara!
And your heart is in your boots, (Tarantara!)
There is nothing brings it round
Like the trumpet's martial sound,
Like the trumpet's martial sound
Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.

Mabel: Sergeant approach! Pirates at large!

Police: Pirates?!

Mabel: This is a day for death or glory!

Sergeant: That is not a pleasant way of putting it.

Mabel: Take heart! Frederic should have led you - but now I shall!

Sergeant: Not bleedin' likely. You're a girl! Now nick off!

Police: Yeah, nick off!

Mabel: We'll see what your inspector thinks of this!

Inspector: One merment. I must take some nerts. My nertbook. Nem of the ferzjeteef?

Mabel: ferzjeteef?

Inspector: Ferzjeteef, F-U-...

Mabel: Up yours too froggy! Oh...fugitive.

Inspector: Nem!

Mabel: Frederic.

Inspector: Strange nem for a girl.

Mabel: No, my name is Stanley.

Inspector: Still a strange nem for a girl.

Mabel: Mabel Stanley.

Inspector: Meeble...Tell me Meeble, abert, abert zese parrots.

Mabel: Parrots?

Inspector: Parrots.

Mabel: Oh Pirates! Well they're on their way to the castle led by the Pirate King.

Inspector: Zis Parrot Kink...does he 'ave an 'urse?

Mabel: A nurse? Yeah, Ruth.

Inspector: Ey dern't went to kner its nem. Oh herst ders it rhern?

Mabel: You want to know how fast a nurse runs?

Inspector: An 'urse! What do you tink this is - a perret?

Mabel: Perret?

Inspector: A perret! 'Perly wern't a crecker!' Stupid girl. The erther parrots...their nems?

Mabel: Oh, Long John Silver... guy with a wooden leg. He wears a pirate on his shoulder. I mean a parrot on his shoulder. Then there's Ruth, and she's a horse. I mean a nurse. Look why don't you just follow me to the fort, okay?

Inspector: Fert? Pick erp zose 'erprints for evidence.

---
Mabel: Back to the castle!

Sergeant: No...certainly...right

Mabel: These pirates won't know what hit 'em. We'll put an end to their reign of terror, butchery, arson and rape. Not to mention robbery, flogging, kidnapping, and cop killing.

Police:
Though to us it's evident, (Tarantara! tarantara!)
These attentions are well meant, (Tarantara!)
Such expressions don't appear, (Tarantara! tarantara!)
Calculated men to cheer (Tarantara!)
Who are going to meet their fate (Tarantara! Tarantara!)
In a highly nervous state. (Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!)
Still to us it's evident
These attentions are well meant.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!

Sargeant: Lads!

---
Pirates:
We are the pirates.
We are the pirates.
Out on the ocean waves, we instill fear and loathing
(Loathing, we are very, very loathed.)
Marauders with shiny swords and very fancy clothing
(Clothing, we are very well clothed.)

Local supremacy is what we gun for.
We raise our flag and watch those cowards run.

We are the pirates. (Rulers of the high seas)
We can be irate. (Sometimes very nasty)
We wheel, We deal,
We steal and thunder.
We shoot, we sloot,
We put 'em under.

We are the pirates. (Shoot, loot, plunder)
We can be irate. (shoot, loot asunder)
The Pirates, we are the pirates

Pirate King: Put your backs to it lads.

Pirates: One! Two!

Samuel: Now, let's try the pryamid.

Pirates:
Nothing we like better than an all-in brawl, (Yeah)
Locked in battle, watch our victims fall.

We are the pirates (Batten down the hatches)
We can be irate. (Ay, Ay Captain)
The pirates (Yo ho ho)
Lads, the pirates (Yo ho ho)
We are the pirates.

Samuel: Now I suppose we have to take the other one back.

Pirates: ah shit!

[]

Pirates: Two! Three!

Samuel: Avon calling.

Pirates:
With cat-like tread,
Upon our prey we steal;
In silence dread,
Our forces we reveal.
No sound at all!
We never speak a word;
A fly's footfall
Would be distinctly heard--

Police:
Tarantara, tarantara!

Pirates:
So stealthily the pirate creeps,
While all the household soundly sleeps.
Come, friends, who plough the sea,
Steady navigation;
Chirk and devestation;
Let's vary piracy
With a little lechery!

Frederic: Mabel! Oh, I missed you.

Mabel: That's nice. How've you been Fred?

Frederic: How've I been? Come out and let me hold you.

Mabel: Uh-uh.

Frederic: At least a kiss. Mabel, what is this?

Mabel: Frederic, we're enemies now. I thought you'd remember.

Frederic: You don't think I want it this way?

Mabel: It's up to you.

Frederic: Okay. Okay...if that's the way you want it. Goodbye Mab! Goodbye.

Mabel: Damn you.

Frederic: oh, I love you. I'll always love you, come what may.

Mabel: 'Come what may'? We'll all be murdered in our sleep 'come what may.'

Frederic: Well run for god's sake. Run.

Mabel: Death before dishonor. Besides, have you ever tried running in one of these things lately? It's a real bitch.

Pirate King: Frederic.

Mabel: Duty calls.

Frederic: Enemies?

Mabel: Enemies.

Pirate King: Frederic. Frederic!

Frederic: Goodbye. Coming.

Pirates:
Come, friends, who plough the sea,
Steady navigation;
Chirk and devestation;
Let's vary piracy
With a little lechery!

---
Pirate King: Seize him! Not him you idiots! Him! Come lads, the ladies are waiting.

Mabel: Get off! Frederic, help us! Frederic, please! Will no one save us?

Sergeant: Good 'vening all. 'Ullo, 'ullo, 'ullo. What's going on here then? It is my duty to warn you that anything you say may be taken down.

Sisters: Nick off!

Mabel: Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

[The fighting heads to the gymnasium]

Stanley: Come on Girls, hurry. This way. Hurry! Hurry! Mabel hide.

Mabel: No you look after them.

Frederic: Mabel, no! It's suicide.

Pirate King: Sam, stop fooling around.

Samuel: Get off me!

Parrot: Help! Look out John! Help! Look out John! I want it ended right now John, right now!

Police: You have the right to remain silent...

Samuel: Oh no. Not a pie fight?

Chef: No, no.

Pirate: Oh no, not anchovie?

Chef: Pizza.

Samuel: You got all the anchovies.

Frederic:
Can I believe what I am seeing, what I am feeling
Something so rare, watching her there
She makes my heart stop.

Mabel: War is hell!

Stanley: Charge! Get out of my gymnasium all of you! Charge! What's going on here? You there, get off!

Frederic: No, put him down.

Stanley: I'll deal with this.

Pirate King: Enough! Enough! Stanley: We are all orphans.

Pirate King: No more mister nice guy. You have taken advantage of my better nature. My compassion for humanity. My gentle kindess to all creatures great and small. Rip their lungs out! Feed them to the sharks, beginning with her!

Pirates: Yeah!

Mabel: No! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! This is my dream. I want a happy ending. I want a happy ending!

Cast: Yeah!

Pirate King: A happy ending?

Mabel: Papa, a full pardon for Frederic?

Stanley: No. Frederic has done nothing to be pardoned for. At every turn of fate and fortune, he has simply done his duty. Kneel, Frederic! Arise, Sir Frederic! I reward you with the fairest prize at my command. That is, if she still is at my command. My youngest daughter - Mabel.

Sisters: Papa, that's not fair.

Mabel: Papa, the custom, you've got to do something. I can't get married until they are.

Stanley: We are helpless.

Pirate King: Mabel, it's your dream.

Samuel: I found your glasses.

Mabel: Thank you. You and you; and you and you; and you and you; and you and you; yeah you and up there ya you; you Midley and you; and you and you. You're a problem.

Pirate King: That was no dream I had last night. I loved a woman. I want that woman for my wife.

Ruth: I accept.

Pirate King: But that was you last....Well in that case, lads, I accept.

Frederic: Uh, I thought you...uh, you and he...um...I don't get it.

Mabel: You will.

---
Cast:
No more sad times, mad, or bad times,
No more minor keys
Life's for living, sharing, giving,
Life's for you and me.
When the going's rough and you've had enough,
Leave your troubles and your woes.
Turn the other cheek and forget your grief,
Make a friend out of your foe.

Give me a happy ending every time.
We'll kiss and make up,
That's a very peaceful sign.
Give me a happy ending every time.
Don't be unhappy, everything will work out fine.

No more fighting, scratching, biting,
No more police and thieves.
All is sweetness, light, and neatness,
Yes sir, no thanks, please.
When you had your fill of life's ugly pills
The sadness and the pain.
Take the box of pills and attendant ills,
Flush them down the drain.

Give me a happy ending every time.
We'll kiss and make up,
That's a very peaceful sign.
Give me a happy ending every time.
Don't be unhappy, everything will work out fine.

---
Mabel: Your name wouldn't by chance be Frederic, would it?

Frederic: Nope.

Mabel: And I don't suppose you came looking for me out of a sense of duty?

Frederic: Not exactly.

[Happy Ending]

THE END