The Play's the Thing

(Enter DEAN, NEVILLE, GINNY, and HERMIONE. RON is still tied up offstage, but now he's gagged and trying to escape)

NEVILLE: I do beseech you, sir, trouble yourself no further.

RON: grft!

COLIN: Now you know how I felt! Are you sorry?

RON: nrgl!

COLIN: Say you're sorry and I'll untie you...

HARRY: He's gagged, Colin. How can he say he's sorry?

SEAMUS: Pay no attention to Harry, Colin. He's a wet blanket, always trying to ruin our fun.

DEAN: O, pardon me: 'twill do me good to walk.

NEVILLE: Madam, good night; I humbly thank your ladyship.

GINNY: Your honour is most welcome.

SEAMUS: But I'd rather have your body....

DEAN: Will you walk, sir?
O,--Desdemona,--

GINNY: My lord?

DEAN: Get you to bed on the instant; I will be returned
forthwith: dismiss your attendant there: look it be done.

SEAMUS: See? That's your problem, Dean, you're so narrow-minded....

GINNY: I will, my lord.

SEAMUS: Spoilsport.

(Exit DEAN and NEVILLE. DEAN immediately goes over to watch RON trying to escape his bonds.)

HERMIONE: How goes it now? he looks gentler than he did.

SEAMUS: He's not coming at me with a broadsword any more, and that's usually a plus.

GINNY: He says he will return incontinent:
He hath commanded me to go to bed,
And bade me to dismiss you.

DEAN: I should say so, if he's returning incontinent. To and from the chamber pot all night long... it won't be pretty.

SEAMUS: Oh, I don't know about that.

HERMIONE: Dismiss me!

SEAMUS: Fired, pink slip, join the unemployment brigade, clean out your desk, see the security guys for a full cavity search, the works.

GINNY: It was his bidding: therefore, good Emilia,
Give me my nightly wearing, and adieu:
We must not now displease him.

HERMIONE: I would you had never seen him!

DEAN: That's low, Hermione!

GINNY: So would not I
my love doth so approve him,
That even his stubbornness, his cheques, his frowns--
Prithee, unpin me,--have grace and favour in them.

HERMIONE: I have laid those sheets you bade me on the bed.

SEAMUS: The silk ones with the leopard pattern, right?

COLIN: What bed?

GINNY: All's one. Good faith, how foolish are our minds!
If I do die before thee prithee, shroud me
In one of those same sheets.

SEAMUS: Ooh, nice image....

DEAN: [offstage, in an undertone] Note to self, find Mum's old sheets in the attic. The ones I'm not supposed to know about.... (louder) Hey, Crabbe, can I borrow your quill?

CRABBE: No. Drawing kitties.

RON: ngh! smscrpt!

HERMIONE: Come, come you talk.

SEAMUS: Well, he gets points for trying, anyway... hey, Neville, where'd you learn how to gag people like that?

GINNY: My mother had a maid call'd Barbara:
She was in love, and he she loved proved mad
And did forsake her: she had a song of 'willow;'
An old thing 'twas, but it express'd her fortune,
And she died singing it: that song to-night
Will not go from my mind; I have much to do,
But to go hang my head all at one side,
And sing it like poor Barbara. Prithee, dispatch.

HARRY: Sure. Girl falls for crazy guy then kills herself. Why not sing her favorite song when you're depressed?

HERMIONE: Shall I go fetch your night-gown?

SEAMUS: Only if you can't find the French maid's outfit....

GINNY: No, unpin me here.

SEAMUS: Yes! Do that! Forget the maid's outfit!

GINNY: This Lodovico is a proper man.

HERMIONE: A very handsome man.

GINNY: He speaks well.

HERMIONE: I know a lady in Venice would have walked barefoot to Palestine for a touch of his nether lip.

GINNY: (singing. She has a very poor voice) The poor soul sat sighing by a sycamore tree,
Sing all a green willow:
Her hand on her bosom, her head on her knee,
Sing willow, willow, willow:
The fresh streams ran by her, and murmur'd her moans;
Sing willow, willow, willow;
Her salt tears fell from her, and soften'd the stones;
Lay by these:--
Sing willow, willow, willow;

(Everyone offstage except DEAN and GOYLE claps their hands over their ears)

SEAMUS: Banshee!

DEAN: (starry-eyed) Beautiful, isn't it...?

SEAMUS: (looks scared) I need a countercurse over here! Now! She did somethign to Dean's ears! And I like his ears!

LOCKHART: Singing double... definitely a singing double....

PANSY: I'll do it!

DRACO: You have a worse voice than she does.

PANSY: Are you suggesting you do it?

GINNY: (to HERMIONE, speaking) Prithee, hie thee; he'll come anon:--

HARRY: (eagerly) Dean, get onstage now! I don't care about the script! Keep her from singing any more!

DEAN: You say that like it would be a good thing.

GINNY: (singing again. Her voice isn't any better) Sing all a green willow must be my garland.
Let nobody blame him; his scorn I approve,-
(Speaking again) Nay, that's not next.--Hark! who is't that knocks?

SEAMUS: It's Dean! It's Dean! Stop singing!

HERMIONE: It's the wind.

SEAMUS: (muttering) Traitor.

GINNY: (singing) I call'd my love false love; but what said he then?
Sing willow, willow, willow:
If I court moe women, you'll couch with moe men!

GOYLE: (entranced) Pretty....

GINNY: (speaking normally) So, get thee gone; good night. My eyes do itch;
Doth that bode weeping?

DEAN: Well, I feel like crying.

DRACO: You speak for all of us, but we have different reasons.

HERMIONE: 'Tis neither here nor there.

GINNY: I have heard it said so. O, these men, these men!
Dost thou in conscience think,--tell me, Emilia,--
That there be women do abuse their husbands
In such gross kind?

HERMIONE: There be some such, no question.

SEAMUS: Do you have addresses?

GINNY: Wouldst thou do such a deed for all the world?

HERMIONE: Why, would not you?

GINNY: No, by this heavenly light!

HERMIONE: Nor I neither by this heavenly light;
I might do't as well i' the dark.

SEAMUS: Ooh... Can I have that in writing, Hermione?

GINNY: Wouldst thou do such a deed for all the world?

HERMIONE: The world's a huge thing: it is a great price.
For a small vice.

SEAMUS: (injured) Small?

HARRY: Hermione calls 'em like she sees 'em, Seamus.

GINNY: In troth, I think thou wouldst not.

HERMIONE: In troth, I think I should; and undo't when I had
done. Marry, I would not do such a thing for a
joint-ring, nor for measures of lawn, nor for
gowns, petticoats, nor caps, nor any petty
exhibition; but for the whole world,--why, who would
not make her husband a cuckold to make him a
monarch? I should venture purgatory for't.

GINNY: Beshrew me, if I would do such a wrong
For the whole world.

HERMIONE: Why the wrong is but a wrong i' the world: and
having the world for your labour, tis a wrong in your
own world, and you might quickly make it right.

SEAMUS: Make it right, Hermione! You go, girlfr- Did I say that out loud?

GINNY: I do not think there is any such woman.

DRACO: Naive much?

HERMIONE: Yes, a dozen; and as many to the vantage as would
store the world they played for.
But I do think it is their husbands' faults
If wives do fall: say that they slack their duties,
And pour our treasures into foreign laps,
Or else break out in peevish jealousies,
Throwing restraint upon us; or say they strike us,
Or scant our former having in despite;
Why, we have galls, and though we have some grace,
Yet have we some revenge. Let husbands know
Their wives have sense like them: they see and smell
And have their palates both for sweet and sour,
As husbands have. What is it that they do
When they change us for others? Is it sport?
I think it is: and doth affection breed it?
I think it doth: is't frailty that thus errs?
It is so too: and have not we affections,
Desires for sport, and frailty, as men have?
Then let them use us well: else let them know,
The ills we do, their ills instruct us so.

HARRY: Sure, blame the man.

SEAMUS: (all starry-eyed) Ooh, more feminism... when are you going to start wearing black leather, Hermione?

GINNY: Good night, good night: heaven me such uses send,
Not to pick bad from bad, but by bad mend!

(Exit HERMIONE and GINNY. Offstage, a small crowd has formed around RON and is watching his renewed struggles avidly)

SEAMUS: Cute, isn't he? I thought he'd be loose by now...

DRACO: You should untie him. He has to go onstage next scene.

SEAMUS: You mean he can't do it like that?

DRACO: No. I have to kill him, so he needs to twitch at least a little.

DEAN: Well, what if we just ungag him?

COLIN: No! I worked really hard on that gag!

SEAMUS: (looking at RON thoughtfully) How do you feel about handcuffs?

NEVILLE: (without thinking) They chafe... (Everyone stares at him) oh, you weren't talking to me, were you? Never mind....

DRACO: Handcuffs are fine.

(SEAMUS grins. RON tries to crawl away without the use of his arms or legs)

SEAMUS: Come on, Ron, you'll enjoy it....

HERMIONE: (to LOCKHART) Did you spike that pumpkin juice?

LOCKHART: Miss Granger, I'm surprised. Whatever makes you think that?