The Play's the Thing

(Enter DEAN and HERMIONE. DEAN is lagging a few paces behind HERMIONE, who is walking around the stage in large circles)

DEAN: You have seen nothing then?

HERMIONE: Nor ever heard, nor ever did suspect.

RON: (imitating HERMIONE) I always wondered why my lady made me wear a blindfold all the time, though....

DEAN: Yet, you have seen Cassio and she together.

SEAMUS: Threesome? Not fair! Harry, how come I wasn't invited?

HARRY: Wasn't it you who said last scene that this was just a play? It's not real.

SEAMUS: That was then! This is...

DRACO: This is when your hormones go into overdrive, Finnegan?

HERMIONE: But then I saw no harm, and then I heard
Each syllable that breath made up between them.

DEAN: What, did they never whisper?

HERMIONE: Never, my lord.

DEAN: Nor send you out o' the way?

HERMIONE: Never.

RON: (imitating HERMIONE again) Although they did lock me in the closet once....

COLIN: Wow! How'd you get out?

RON: I just... I just opened the door and out I came.

DRACO: Out of the mouths of babes....

DEAN: To fetch her fan, her gloves, her mask, nor nothing?

HERMIONE: Never, my lord.

SEAMUS: Desdemona wears a mask? I thought she was supposed to be pretty....

DEAN: That's strange.

SEAMUS: You're telling me.

HERMIONE: I durst, my lord, to wager she is honest,
Lay down my soul at stake: if you think other,
Remove your thought; it doth abuse your bosom.
If any wretch have put this in your head,
Let heaven requite it with the serpent's curse!
For, if she be not honest, chaste, and true,
There's no man happy; the purest of their wives
Is foul as slander.

SEAMUS: (whistles) Rise up, feminist agenda! Let us feel your teeth and claws... and whips... and... ahem. (looks around) Did I say that out loud?

DEAN: Bid her come hither: go.
(Exit HERMIONE, with a curtsy)
She says enough; yet she's a simple bawd
That cannot say as much. This is a subtle whore,
A closet lock and key of villanous secrets
And yet she'll kneel and pray; I have seen her do't.

(Enter GINNY, followed closely by HERMIONE)

GINNY: My lord, what is your will?

DEAN: Pray, chuck, come hither.

GINNY: What is your pleasure?

SEAMUS: Well, that would take a while....

DEAN: Let me see your eyes;
Look in my face.

SEAMUS: No, no, no, you're starting all wrong!

GINNY: What horrible fancy's this?

DEAN: (To HERMIONE) Some of your function, mistress;
Leave procreants alone and shut the door;
Cough, or cry 'hem,' if any body come:
Your mystery, your mystery: nay, dispatch.

(Exit HERMIONE, curtsying again)

GINNY: Upon my knees, what doth your speech import?
I understand a fury in your words.
But not the words.

SEAMUS: On your knees? Now we're talking!

(RON casually puts SEAMUS in a headlock)

RON: You realize you're talking about my little sister... don't you, Seamus?

SEAMUS: (choking) Yeah... yeah... I'm just clowning, really! I'm sorry!

RON: (releasing him) That's better.

SEAMUS: (pulling out crossed fingers from behind his back and muttering under his breath) Not.

DEAN: Why, what art thou?

DRACO: People are very fond of that question, for some reason.

GINNY: Your wife, my lord; your true
And loyal wife.

SEAMUS: That's what you think.

DEAN: Come, swear it, damn thyself
Lest, being like one of heaven, the devils themselves
Should fear to seize thee: therefore be double damn'd:
Swear thou art honest.

GINNY: Heaven doth truly know it.

SEAMUS: And a few other people do too, but we're not talking about that now, are we?

DEAN: Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.

SEAMUS: That's what I just said!

GINNY: To whom, my lord? with whom? how am I false?

SEAMUS: (running across the stage to get away from RON) The whipped cream was going a bit far, Des.

DEAN: O Desdemona! away! away! away!

GINNY: Alas the heavy day! Why do you weep?
Am I the motive of these tears, my lord?
If haply you my father do suspect
An instrument of this your calling back,
Lay not your blame on me: If you have lost him,
Why, I have lost him too.

COLIN: What does your dad have to with anything, Ginny?

CRABBE: ...duckies...

COLIN: I don't think so... do people *get* this upset over ducks?

CRABBE: No, look. Duckies. (shows COLIN his script, which is now covered with smiley animals)

COLIN: Oh, hey! Look, I can draw an elephant.

DEAN: Had it pleased heaven
To try me with affliction; had they rain'd
All kinds of sores and shames on my bare head.
Steep'd me in poverty to the very lips,
Given to captivity me and my utmost hopes,
I should have found in some place of my soul
A drop of patience: but, alas, to make me
A fixed figure for the time of scorn
To point his slow unmoving finger at!
Yet could I bear that too; well, very well:
But there, where I have garner'd up my heart,
Where either I must live, or bear no life;
The fountain from the which my current runs,
Or else dries up; to be discarded thence!
Or keep it as a cistern for foul toads

To knot and gender in! Turn thy complexion there,
Patience, thou young and rose-lipp'd cherubin,--
Ay, there, look grim as hell!

HARRY: Not very subtle, is he?

DRACO: No, not really.

GINNY: I hope my noble lord esteems me honest.

SEAMUS: He doesn't!

DEAN: O, ay; as summer flies are in the shambles,
That quicken even with blowing. O thou weed,
Who art so lovely fair and smell'st so sweet
That the sense aches at thee, would thou hadst
ne'er been born!

GINNY: Alas, what ignorant sin have I committed?

SEAMUS: I told you! The whipped cream was going too far!

(RON tackles SEAMUS from behind. They fight. Eventually the Luggage rouses itself from where it's been sleeping and follows them around.)

LOCKHART: (to Luggage) Don't kill them until after the final performance, all right? You can go hunt squirrels when we're done here.

DEAN: Was this fair paper, this most goodly book,
Made to write 'whore' upon? What committed!
Committed! O thou public commoner!
I should make very forges of my cheeks,
That would to cinders burn up modesty,
Did I but speak thy deeds. What committed!
Heaven stops the nose at it and the moon winks,
The bawdy wind that kisses all it meets
Is hush'd within the hollow mine of earth,
And will not hear it. What committed!
Impudent strumpet!

GINNY: By heaven, you do me wrong.

DEAN: Are you not a strumpet?

GINNY: No, as I am a Christian:
If to preserve this vessel for my lord
From any other foul unlawful touch
Be not to be a strumpet, I am none.

DEAN: What, not a whore?

(SEAMUS makes some weak gurgling sounds around the gag RON has forced into his mouth. The Luggage is circling him like a vulture)

GINNY: No, as I shall be saved.

DEAN: Is't possible?

GINNY: O, heaven forgive us!

DEAN: I cry you mercy, then:
I took you for that cunning whore of Venice
That married with Othello.
(Raising his voice)
You, mistress,
That have the office opposite to Saint Peter,
And keep the gate of hell!

RON: Does anyone but me think that's a little harsh?

(Re-enter HERMIONE, trying very hard not to look angry)

DEAN: You, you, ay, you!
We have done our course; there's money for your pains:
I pray you, turn the key and keep our counsel.

(Exit DEAN off the front of the stage with a dramatic swirl of his cloak)

HERMIONE: Alas, what does this gentleman conceive?
How do you, madam? how do you, my good lady?

GINNY: 'Faith, half asleep.

HERMIONE: Good madam, what's the matter with my lord?

GINNY: With who?

HERMIONE: Why, with my lord, madam.

GINNY: Who is thy lord?

SEAMUS: (undoing the gag) Is that a trick question? Ron, next time tie up my hands if you want me to stay gagged, okay?

HERMIONE: He that is yours, sweet lady.

GINNY: I have none: do not talk to me, Emilia;
I cannot weep; nor answer have I none,
But what should go by water. Prithee, tonight
Lay on my bed my wedding sheets: remember;
And call thy husband hither.

RON: Even one word, Seamus, and you're not going to escape short of someone getting through me to untie you.

SEAMUS: ...Promise?

HERMIONE: Here's a change indeed!

(Exit HERMIONE)

GINNY: 'Tis meet I should be used so, very meet.
How have I been behaved, that he might stick
The small'st opinion on my least misuse?

(Re-enter HERMIONE with DRACO)

DRACO: What is your pleasure, madam?
How is't with you?

SEAMUS: A little... (glances at RON) disappointing, actually. (to RON) See, I can behave!

RON: Hmp. I'll believe that when you keep it up.

GINNY: I cannot tell. Those that do teach young babes
Do it with gentle means and easy tasks:
He might have chid me so; for, in good faith,
I am a child to chiding.

DRACO: What's the matter, lady?

HARRY: Stabbing pains... right here....

RON: Harry! Not you too!

HARRY: What?

HERMIONE: Alas, Iago, my lord hath so bewhored her.
Thrown such despite and heavy terms upon her,
As true hearts cannot bear.

SEAMUS: Bewhored? That's a word? I wonder if I can work it into a History of Magic report.

GINNY: Am I that name, Iago?

DRACO: What name, fair lady?

HARRY: Desdemona. Is she?

GINNY: Such as she says my lord did say I was.

SEAMUS: Come on... you can say it, you're a big girl....

HERMIONE: He call'd her whore: a beggar in his drink
Could not have laid such terms upon his callat.

SEAMUS: See? Hermione can say it.

DRACO: Why did he so?

GINNY: I do not know; I am sure I am none such.

DRACO: Do not weep, do not weep. Alas the day!

HERMIONE: Hath she forsook so many noble matches,
Her father and her country and her friends,
To be call'd whore? would it not make one weep?

GINNY: It is my wretched fortune.

DRACO: Beshrew him for't!
How comes this trick upon him?

RON: Oh, silly us. We thought you set him up!

GINNY: Nay, heaven doth know.

HERMIONE: I will be hang'd, if some eternal villain, Some busy and insinuating rogue, Some cogging, cozening slave, to get some office, Have not devised this slander; I'll be hang'd else.

RON: Could it be that you're *married* to the little ferret? Hmmm....

SEAMUS: Don't mince words, Hermione! Say what you mean!

DRACO: Fie, there is no such man; it is impossible.

GINNY: If any such there be, heaven pardon him!

HERMIONE: A halter pardon him! and hell gnaw his bones!
Why should he call her whore? who keeps her company?
What place? what time? what form? what likelihood?
The Moor's abused by some most villanous knave,
Some base notorious knave, some scurvy fellow.
O heaven, that such companions thou'ldst unfold,
And put in every honest hand a whip
To lash the rascals naked through the world
Even from the east to the west!

DRACO: Speak within door.

HERMIONE: O, fie upon them! Some such squire he was
That turn'd your wit the seamy side without,
And made you to suspect me with the Moor.

COLIN: You and Dean? But I thought....

RON: (darkly) You thought what?

SEAMUS: (grinning) Yes, what?

COLIN: (miserably) No-one ever tells me anything.

DRACO: You are a fool; go to.

GINNY: O good Iago,
What shall I do to win my lord again?
Good friend, go to him; for, by this light of heaven,
I know not how I lost him. Here I kneel:
If e'er my will did trespass 'gainst his love,
Either in discourse of thought or actual deed,
Or that mine eyes, mine ears, or any sense,
Delighted them in any other form;
Or that I do not yet, and ever did.
And ever will--though he do shake me off
To beggarly divorcement--love him dearly,
Comfort forswear me! Unkindness may do much;
And his unkindness may defeat my life,
But never taint my love. I cannot say 'whore:'
It does abhor me now I speak the word;
To do the act that might the addition earn
Not the world's mass of vanity could make me.

DRACO: I pray you, be content; 'tis but his humour:
The business of the state does him offence,
And he does chide with you.

GINNY: If 'twere no other--

DRACO: 'Tis but so, I warrant.

HARRY: Sure. Go believe a supervillain, see what we care.

(NEVILLE fetches Bobo from where GINNY dropped it between scenes and in so doing trips over his own feet with a loud crash)

DRACO: Hark, how these instruments summon to supper!
The messengers of Venice stay the meat;
Go in, and weep not; all things shall be well.

(Exit HERMIONE and GINNY. GINNY is crying a little too hard and her face is beginning to get blotchy. Enter RON)

DRACO: How now, Roderigo!

RON: I do not find that thou dealest justly with me.

SEAMUS: No, really?

DRACO: What in the contrary?

RON: Every day thou daffest me with some device, Iago;
and rather, as it seems to me now, keepest from me
all conveniency than suppliest me with the least
advantage of hope. I will indeed no longer endure
it, nor am I yet persuaded to put up in peace what
already I have foolishly suffered.

DRACO: Will you hear me, Roderigo?

SEAMUS: Sadly, yes.

RON: 'Faith, I have heard too much, for your words and
performances are no kin together.

DRACO: You charge me most unjustly.

DEAN: (aggrieved) Everyone wants the discount rate....

RON: With nought but truth. I have wasted myself out of
my means. The jewels you have had from me to
deliver to Desdemona would half have corrupted a
votarist: you have told me she hath received them
and returned me expectations and comforts of sudden
respect and acquaintance, but I find none.

DRACO: Well; go to; very well.

RON: Very well! go to! I cannot go to, man; nor 'tis
not very well: nay, I think it is scurvy, and begin
to find myself fobbed in it.

GOYLE: (helpfully) Vitamin C'll clear that scurvy right up.

DRACO: Very well.

RON: I tell you 'tis not very well. I will make myself
known to Desdemona: if she will return me my
jewels, I will give over my suit and repent my
unlawful solicitation; if not, assure yourself I
will seek satisfaction of you.

DRACO: You have said now.

RON: Ay, and said nothing but what I protest intendment of doing.

DEAN: Huh?

DRACO: Why, now I see there's mettle in thee, and even from
this instant to build on thee a better opinion than
ever before. Give me thy hand, Roderigo: thou hast
taken against me a most just exception; but yet, I
protest, I have dealt most directly in thy affair.

SEAMUS: Now is the time to drown kittens and blind puppies!

CRABBE: Puppies! Don't hurt the puppies! (He starts to cry.)

RON: It hath not appeared.

DRACO: I grant indeed it hath not appeared, and your
suspicion is not without wit and judgment. But,
Roderigo, if thou hast that in thee indeed, which I
have greater reason to believe now than ever, I mean
purpose, courage and valour, this night show it: if
thou the next night following enjoy not Desdemona,
take me from this world with treachery and devise
engines for my life.

SEAMUS: And I have some lovely oceanfront property in Austria if you want it...

RON: Well, what is it? is it within reason and compass?

DRACO: Sir, there is especial commission come from Venice
to depute Cassio in Othello's place.

RON: Is that true? why, then Othello and Desdemona return again to Venice.

DRACO: O, no; he goes into Mauritania and takes away with
him the fair Desdemona, unless his abode be
lingered here by some accident: wherein none can be
so determinate as the removing of Cassio.

RON: How do you mean, removing of him?

DRACO: Why, by making him uncapable of Othello's place; knocking out his brains.

SEAMUS: Pink slips are so passe.

RON: And that you would have me to do?

DRACO: Ay, if you dare do yourself a profit and a right.
He sups to-night with a harlotry, and thither will I
go to him: he knows not yet of his horrorable
fortune. If you will watch his going thence, which
I will fashion to fall out between twelve and one,
you may take him at your pleasure: I will be near
to second your attempt, and he shall fall between
us. Come, stand not amazed at it, but go along with
me; I will show you such a necessity in his death
that you shall think yourself bound to put it on
him. It is now high suppertime, and the night grows
to waste: about it.

RON: I will hear further reason for this.

DEAN: DO you really think it'll help? he's been twisting you around his little finger through the entire play!

DRACO: And you shall be satisfied.

(Exit both DRACO and DEAN. SEAMUS, offstage, is holding a coil of rope.)

SEAMUS: See, if you want someone to stay gagged, you need to tie them up like that, Ron.

RON: Yeah, but I'm not gagged.

SEAMUS: Do you want to be?

RON: No, not really.

SEAMUS: Don't complain then. Now try and escape. It's part of the fun.

DRACO: I'm not asking. I'm really not asking.

DEAN: Seamus, is that a half-hitch?

SEAMUS: No, a granny...

HERMIONE: You've done it all wrong. See, it's like this...

RON: Ow! Hermione!

HARRY: I'm not asking either.