The Play's the Thing

(Enter DRACO and RON. RON is not tied or handcuffed, although he looks a bit worn out)

DRACO: Here, stand behind this bulk; straight will he come:
Wear thy good rapier bare, and put it home:
Quick, quick; fear nothing; I'll be at thy elbow:
It makes us, or it mars us; think on that,
And fix most firm thy resolution.

RON: Be near at hand; I may miscarry in't.

DRACO: Here, at thy hand: be bold, and take thy stand.

(Walks over to the edge of the stage and waits)

RON: I have no great devotion to the deed;
And yet he hath given me satisfying reasons:
'Tis but a man gone. Forth, my sword: he dies.

DRACO: I have rubb'd this young quat almost to the sense,
And he grows angry. Now, whether he kill Cassio,
Or Cassio him, or each do kill the other,
Every way makes my gain: live Roderigo,
He calls me to a restitution large
Of gold and jewels that I bobb'd from him,
As gifts to Desdemona;
It must not be: if Cassio do remain,
He hath a daily beauty in his life
That makes me ugly; and, besides, the Moor
May unfold me to him; there stand I in much peril:
No, he must die. But so: I hear him coming.

(Enter HARRY)

RON: I know his gait, 'tis he.--Villain, thou diest!

(He stabs at HARRY with his wand. HARRY has to jump out of the way to avoid it.)

RON: (under his breath) That would have been for hitting me earlier....

HARRY: That thrust had been mine enemy indeed,
But that my coat is better than thou know'st
I will make proof of thine.

(HARRY forgoes his wand and smacks RON upside the head. RON, after a quick look at his script, goes down)

RON: O, I am slain!

SEAMUS: You're a big sissy.

(DRACO sneaks up behind HARRY. He pokes HARRY quickly in the leg with his wand, then dashes offstage)

HARRY: I am maim'd for ever. Help, ho! murder! murder!

(HARRY falls to the ground and lays there, not quite sure how to act like someone who's just had his leg almost cut off. Enter DEAN.)

DEAN: The voice of Cassio: Iago keeps his word.

RON: O, villain that I am!

SEAMUS: (singsonging) Someone has low self-esteem issues...

DEAN: It is even so.

HARRY: O, help, ho! light! a surgeon!

DRACO: (protesting automatically) I barely touched you!

DEAN: 'Tis he:--O brave Iago, honest and just,
That hast such noble sense of thy friend's wrong!
Thou teachest me. Minion, your dear lies dead,
And your unblest fate hies: strumpet, I come.
Forth of my heart those charms, thine eyes, are blotted;
Thy bed, lust-stain'd, shall with lust's blood be spotted.

(Exit DEAN)

SEAMUS: (to DEAN) You were great.

DEAN: I barely had any lines.

SEAMUS: But they were good ones....

(Enter NEVILLE and COLIN. COLIN, for a change, is not gagged. CRABBE, offstage, has COLIN's script and is drawing on it)

HARRY: What, ho! no watch? no passage? murder! murder!

COLIN: Harry, what are you yelling for? Everyone's behaving really strangely, I think something's wrong.

SEAMUS: Nothing's wrong. Hush up.

HARRY: O, help!

NEVILLE: Hark!

RON: O wretched villain!

NEVILLE: Two or three groan: it is a heavy night:
These may be counterfeits: let's think't unsafe
To come in to the cry without more help.

RON: Nobody come? then shall I bleed to death.

SEAMUS: And the treatment of choice for head pain is... the tacky pink scarf! Harry? Toss the scarf over here, would you please?

NEVILLE: Hark!

DEAN: (Sings quietly) ... the herald angels si-ing....

(Re-enter DRACO, with his wand lit)

COLIN: Oh, look, it's Draco. Why's your wand lit? I think we have enough light.

DRACO: Who's there? whose noise is this that ones on murder?

NEVILLE: We do not know.

(COLIN blinks and looks around)

COLIN: That's Harry and Ron, remember?

DRACO: Did not you hear a cry?

HARRY: Here, here! for heaven's sake, help me!

(DRACO rushes over to HARRY.)

DRACO: What's the matter?

COLIN: I'm so confused....

NEVILLE: (ignores COLIN and acts as though he's given the proper line for once) The same indeed; a very valiant fellow.

DRACO: What are you here that cry so grievously?

HARRY: (hopefully) Iago? O, I am spoil'd, undone by villains!
Give me some help.

DRACO: (helps HARRY sit up, then touches his cheek) O me, lieutenant! what villains have done this?

SEAMUS: You did!

HARRY: I think that one of them is hereabout,
And cannot make away.

DRACO: O treacherous villains!
What are you there? come in, and give some help.

RON: (to anyone listening to him) O, help me here!

HARRY: That's one of them.

DRACO: O murderous slave! O villain!

(Stabs RON with his wand, then immediately returns to HARRY's side)

RON: O damn'd Iago! O inhuman dog!

HARRY: (under his breath and indistinctly) O shut up.

DRACO: (angrily) Kill men i' the dark!--Where be these bloody thieves?--
How silent is this town!--Ho! murder! murder!--
What may you be? are you of good or evil?

NEVILLE: As you shall prove us, praise us.

DRACO: (blinks) Signior Lodovico?

NEVILLE: He, sir.

SEAMUS: Laughing already. Bad news for you, Malfoy.

DRACO: I cry you mercy. Here's Cassio hurt by villains.

COLIN: Harry! You're hurt? Why didn't you let on?

DRACO: (to HARRY) How is't, brother!

HARRY: My leg is cut in two.

SEAMUS: Whiner... he barely touched you!

DRACO: Marry, heaven forbid!
Light, gentlemen; I'll bind it with my shirt.

(Enter PANSY)

PANSY: What is the matter, ho? who is't that cried?

DRACO: (snapping at her) Who is't that cried!

PANSY: (making a face and not sounding at all sincere) O my dear Cassio. my sweet Cassio. O Cassio, Cassio, Cassio.

DEAN: She's the one who needs a gag....

SEAMUS: Why waste it? She wouldn't enjoy it.

DRACO: O notable strumpet! Cassio, may you suspect
Who they should be that have thus many led you?

HARRY: No...

COLIN: Neville said we were supposed to be looking for you. Which is silly, because you've been here the whole time.

DRACO: Lend me a garter. So. O, for a chair,
To bear him easily hence!

(HARRY pretends to faint into DRACO's arms)

PANSY: (looking bored) Alas, he faints. O Cassio, Cassio, Cassio.

DRACO: (straightening HARRY's glasses) Gentlemen all, I do suspect this trash
To be a party in this injury.
Patience awhile, good Cassio. Come, come;
Lend me a light. Know we this face or no?
Alas my friend and my dear countryman
Roderigo! no:--yes, sure: O heaven! Roderigo.

COLIN: You mean Ron.

DRACO: Even he, sir; did you know him?

COLIN: (startled) Of course I know him! It's Ron!

DRACO: Signior Gratiano? I cry you gentle pardon;
These bloody accidents must excuse my manners,
That so neglected you.

COLIN: Huh?

DRACO: How do you, Cassio? O, a chair, a chair!

COLIN: Ron, get up. This is getting really weird.

DRACO: He, he 'tis he.

COLIN: (crossly) I know!

(The Luggage wanders onstage cunningly disguised as a chair through the use of someone's cloak. DRACO and HARRY look at it, then look at each other. HARRY promptly stands up, 'helped' by DRACO's arm around his waist)

DRACO: O, that's well said; the chair!

NEVILLE: (gags COLIN and proceeds to steal his lines) Some good man bear him
carefully from hence;
I'll fetch the general's surgeon.
(To PANSY)
For you, mistress,
Save you your labour. He that lies slain here, Cassio,
Was my dear friend: what malice was between you?

HARRY: None in the world; nor do I know the man.

COLIN: NRGH!! SRN!!!

DRACO: (To PANSY, mockingly) What, look you pale? O, bear him out o' the air.

(HARRY walks offstage with several backward glances, probably at the Luggage, which is following him. RON gets to his feet and stalks offstage)

RON: (muttering) I can't believe I let him kill me like that... and quit smiling, Harry.

DRACO: Stay you, good gentlemen. Look you pale, mistress?
Do you perceive the gastness of her eye?
Nay, if you stare, we shall hear more anon.
Behold her well; I pray you, look upon her:
Do you see, gentlemen? nay, guiltiness will speak,
Though tongues were out of use.

(Enter HERMIONE)

GINNY: Has anyone noticed that she's getting more stage time than me and better lines, and I'm the main actress?

SEAMUS: Bitch bitch bitch. I spent more time mocking *you*, though, so be happy.

GINNY: Well, when you put it that way... it's worse! (She sniffles as though she were about to cry)

HERMIONE: 'Las, what's the matter? what's the matter, husband?

DRACO: Cassio hath here been set on in the dark
By Roderigo and fellows that are scaped:
He's almost slain, and Roderigo dead.

HERMIONE: Alas, good gentleman! alas, good Cassio!

DRACO: This is the fruit of whoring. Prithee, Emilia,
Go know of Cassio where he supp'd to-night.
(To PANSY)
What, do you shake at that?

PANSY: (haughtily) He supp'd at my house; but I therefore shake not. ...God, what a stupid line! How did I ever get sucked into this?

DRACO: O, did he so? I charge you, go with me.

HERMIONE: Fie, fie upon thee, strumpet!

PANSY: I am no strumpet; but of life as honest
As you that thus abuse me. (muttering) Bitch.

HERMIONE: As I! feh! fie upon thee!

DRACO: (edging away from the budding catfight) Kind gentlemen, let's go see poor Cassio dress'd.
Come, mistress, you must tell's another tale.
Emilia run you to the citadel,
And tell my lord and lady what hath happ'd.
Will you go on? I pray.
(Aside)
This is the night
That either makes me or fordoes me quite.

(Exit all)

COLIN: Nrf! Mrghlghk...

SEAMUS: Boy, he's really trying, isn't he? And he doesn't learn either...

(HARRY shrugs and hands SEAMUS the pink scarf, which he uses to tie COLIN's hands)

SEAMUS: There. Now you really have something to gurgle about.

(COLIN looks confused for a minute, then blushes beet red.)

DEAN: I wonder what he's thinking about.

DRACO: (piously) Probably that he could have gotten out any time he wanted to earlier.

SEAMUS: I don't think he wanted to, though...