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HOW should i deal with life
what...i would want to say but cannot say...
here's where i hope i could throw everything out..a least part of it...there's too many things i dont even know how to tell
what you see...sorry to say is just a fascade. my life has many faucets...u've all only seen the bright side of me...the dark part u dont know...i can't change it ..it lurks forever on my mind..bothers me so much........
i have more than 1 personality i think so.
...i hope they dont misunderstand me..why i keep the distance..
i cant bear anyone to know abt the dark side of me..if i had the money i could change it..i dont ..so i have to accept it.. i cant i dont think other ppl can accept it too. that's why i choose not to show it...another reason is embarassment..it feels like a leper..a handicap not that i am..but when ppl think like ur perfect...u dont want them to know the painfully imperfect side of u ..it's hard to let that out .. icant.let it out.that's why i cant enjoy myself ..there're too many constraints.i cant go for a person who goes for looks. sometimes they hint...i try to ignore..some of my girl-friends they call me pretty girl..whether or not they really mean it..i dont know..it's a little flattering...but i dont show anyway...i also wince coz they dont know how ugly i actually am...that's why it's even harder for me..
If from the outside , a person doesnt look very good..then if a person gets attracted to them ...they are really attracted to the person for what they are
Like in my case,well not that i'm very pretty or something...i'm just okay...but if a person is attracted to me..it might just be bcoz of from the outside...and then sooner or later if a relationship grows deeper then the other party has to know and when he does he might get a shock..might not be able to accept it and then it may not work out...and might feel like he has been cheated on...and both side would be hurt i cannot bear that to happen...and the what he knows may be told out to other ppl and i wouldnt be able to handle that either.
that's why when some guys hint...i ignore..i pretend to not understand that they are hinting....i keep a low profile..and a distance..then if they say something ,of course i have to answer but i try to say something very formal to them..i dare not encourage.for if i dont answer they might think i'm arrogant..
i think i did hurt somebody before..it was unintentional..i didnt know how to react how to handle situations...i dont know what to do..i'm afraid i'd hurt anybody anymore i dont ever mean such a thing to happen..i was i am still ...very green
he called.. me...ask me ..with all sorts of questions...i didnt want to answer some of them...they were quite intrusive ,i felt so...coz i'd only know him for a very short time..so i just bluff him said i was doing my work..that i was very busy..i tried to escape..talking to him...he was like interested to know everything abt me...was ..i felt that was agressive they questions he asked so many one after another ..it all happened very fast and i was scared...he asked me whether i was scared...i bluffed i said no..i was even sweating bcoz i was very scared...coz i'm a girl form an all girls school who until then had never spoken or mixed with any guy other than my brother and my neighbours.despite my telling him i was busy...he did not take the cue...he didnt want to end the call...anyway i answered all the questions very coldly..in the end..when the call was about to end i asked him not to call me anymore...(earlier too i was embarassed and shy coz he's the 1st guy that has ever called to my house asking to me..and then talking for quite long)that's why my reaction was cold..so he said to me in the end...so you're the hi and bye kind of friend...i said yes..i think he was hurt...that was my reaction..that was how the call ended..i think he must have thought i was very arrogant..that i didnt at all bother how i treated him...i sometimes think back..i wonder if he was really hurt..i didnt really treat him bad ..it's just he was getting deeper and i had to react that way... i couldnt have encouraged it...it could transpire and as i have vent out above...those are my reasons..i dont know if it could justify my actions...anyway i dont know what to do..what else will happen...what my future will be like..how to react how to treat ppl ...i dont really know in such situations.i just know i dont want to hurt...but it may seem unavoidable.why should i have to feel this way...already my normal things are worrying me...but things like that make me feel guity and make me worry too... and i can tell nobody...nobody...i cant let it out.
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