DIARY PAGE
you'remost insentsitive and inconsidered.dont pretend to be concern when you're not .you only want to see my scars so that you can feel good about yourself and that at 50+you havemore beautiful skin than i at 18.you've given birth to4 and you still have such nice skin.you only want to see and compare your nice skin and tell me so.i pretend that i dont care in the world that it doesnt bother me at all. you dont know how crushed i actually feeland it worries me day and night ,everyday .bcoz you'remaking me feel so ugly.and i dont want you to know i feel that way.you'd say who'd want me and i would say..i'm not getting married so who cares and you could even ask me to be a nun when you never brought me up that way and you know how i feel nervous and i dont like to go to church coz i feel like an idiot idont know what to do and when to kneel or how and when to say those things...you say i donthave faith,my heart's not there ,true.i don't .though i believe in Him i'm not strong.so make me feel guilty.i know that you're not concern when you ask me to show you thescars.when i ask you on a serious note to bring me see a dermatologist..you'd give all reasons.you say my problems are nothing...like i'm making a fuss of nothing..you don't know that it's sometimes pain that when i have to sit down at tuition for 3hrs after sitting down at school for 7 hrs it's pain and also at other times.you never had stretchmarks so oyu dont know and also it'sspreading.you say it's expensive ,i say i'd pay the fee ( i wish i could tell you this: i'm even willing to s pend all the RM4000 of my hard-earned sweat and blood whole life's savings for-laser resurfacing to eliminate the strechmarks and keloids and hypertropic scars...if only but i doubt...it's not enough even for one treatment ..and i think in my case it's take several treatments-but if i did tell you ,needless to say ..you'd think i'm deranged and out of my mind and extremely vain.you're evn worse 50+ married and going to retire...nearing your grave too...still want to appear good.come'on.you yourself are vain to the call.you'd put on skin whitening mosturiser on your face and you talk about how your friends say you still young and they say you look fairer after you've put your skin whitening thing.that you never dye you hair and put make up but still you look pretty.you're so obsessed by what they say to you.so affected and self conscious.concern only for yourselfbut damn it.you dont care two hoots abpout me.sometimes you comment i'm fat.that my thighs are so big and when i dont want to eat the excess of what you cant finish you say i'm dieting,like i'm starving myself.i dont diet i'm not fat you should know.it's just i'm comparitively fat because those girls of my age are slim(which seem to be the norm) they are the ones who diet.i'm very sure.it's unhealthy...they're the ones influenced but all those models.but i know it's not suppose to be like that ..i've seen in paintings of the past,those women too had quite fat thighs.that's supposed to be normal.i dont really go on diet.i control what i take in,so that i dont take in what i dont need-portion control.idiot(wish i could say it right in your face-then you'd say i'm impudent and go and tell people)..if you something fo yourself ,make sure you finish it yourself.dont expect people to finish it for you,though they're able to do so.and blame other people when they don't want to finish it for you.you dont have stretchmarks ,,i do.you shake you head like it's a pitiful sight.but no you dont pity at all.you dont even care.you're all the while hinting it's ugly but not being helpful at all.all the while sickening and irritating.When i use the bathroom and changing room,you want to use it too. i always wait until nobody want s to use it anymore and then i go in.and somehow or other when i'm inside then you'd sudddenly have the urge to use it. too.if i use it earlier,you also would want to use it earlier and if i go in later you also want to go in later.is that merely coincidence or is it on purpose? i know i use the bathroom and changing room a long time.but everytime i try to get out of your way...it's alway going to be i'm in you way when you keep tagging after me.and when i'm inside you keep hurrying me.banging on the door.and in the changing room too.you know i've got to put on plasters for my keloids,12 them(though i've cut them into size before to save time)it still takes time...and i have to apply oil or cream or gel for scars and stretchmarks.and you can shout loudly for those next door neighbours to hear (.....DOTTING YOUR BODY AGAIN....!!!)...and you know i feel very embarassed about it.you're very insensitive.i hate it .you don't know what's it like.and you dant care how people feel.but you cant keep your big mouth shut.
*for those of you who haven't had chicken pox before...i advice you to go and get a vaccine.some people are lucky they don't have scars after having chicken pox and some just have small ones...but like me i have keloids.yo don't want to share the same fate.you dont want to be scarred for the rest of your life and it haunting you for every inch of your youth,the impact on yourself esteem and confidence.it's all too distressing.don't risk anything.get the vaccine.please do yourself a small favour.and tell other who haven't got chicken pox before to get a vaccine.dont wont know what it's like until it happens.you dont want to regret that it could be prevented ..that if only you'd known.now you know it,do it NOW!
(i took pains to type this twice bcoz i lost it unsaved when my computer crashed just now.it took maybe3 hrs(i dont know exactly) for me to type it at first.this 2nd time i 'm writing...i 've left out some details which i added before.so i hope it's worh it if you heed my advice.