Rule one: If you pull up on my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you sure aren't picking anything up.
Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below the neck. If you cannot keep your hands off my daughter, I will remove them.
Rule three: I know that it is considered fashionable for guys to wear their pants so loosely that it appears to be falling off. If you come to my door like that, I will fasten your pants using a nail gun.
Rule four: I am sure that you've been told that sex without using a "barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule five: It is usually understood that for us to connect, we talk about sports and stuff like that. Please do not bore me with that, I just want to know when you will safely return my daughter and it better have the word early.
Rule six: You are probably a popular guy and may have a chance with any girl, but if you date my girl you will continue to date her. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule seven: If you are waiting for my daughter to get ready, which could probably take longer than the building of the Golden Gate Bridge, you better not sigh and fidget. Instead of waiting, why don't you do something useful like changing the oil in my car.
Rule eight: Here are some places where are not appropriate to take my daughter: somewhere with beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; places where its dark, places where theres dancing, places where it is hot enough for you to introduce my daughter to wear shorts or skirts or anything other than overalls and sweaters. Hockey games are good, but old folk homes are better.
Rule nine: If we actually talk to each other, you better not lie to me. I expect the truth from you. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and 5 acres behind my house; don't trifle with me.
Rule ten: Be afraid, be very afraid when you take my daughter out. A voice in the back of my head tells me to clean the gun as you bring my dauther home. Speak a perimeter password and drop my dauther off. There is no need for you to come in; the camouflaged face in the window is mine.
Why you press harder on the remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
If the reverse side has a reverse side.
If you got into a taxi and the driver went backwards, would he be ending up owing you?
If a tree falls in the forest, do the other trees laugh at it?
If it is zero degrees outside and it's suppose to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do scientist call it research when they are looking for something new?
How much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and a garment in a suitcase?
If we see birdies when we're unconscious, then what do birds see?
Is the reason why Santa Claus is so Jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live?
If light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people seem bright until they speak?
War doesn't determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him the bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
Why Donald Duck covers himself when he comes out of the shower, but he doesn't wear any pants.
