7.15

Episode 7.15

"The One That Wasn't"

written by: Bracken

June 9th, 2002

* * *

This episode begins with Bracken not knowing where she is going, and defintely not following any continuity.

Bracken: standing on a soundstage [where is everyone?] Hello? People! We have a fic to write.

::wind blows::

::A trailer door opens::

Heeeeey. C'mon. We have episode 15 to do. ::person comes closer:: Glory? What the hell are you still doing around here?

Glory: There was no where left for me to go after Giles killed Ben. The hell dimension didn't want me back, and it's hard to find work on earth, since I hate it so much. I've lost all my powers, so I just spend my time knitting in my trailer.

Bracken: [Freak] Okay.. but uhh since you aren't really needed nor wanted in this fic, could you kindly go away?

Glory: [Well, duh] Yeah. I was just stretching my legs. disappears

Bracken: loudspeaker For fuck's sake, people. I need your help.

Opening Credits.

Xander: coming up behind You bellowed?

Bracken: Thank god, at least one of you manged to emerge from your trailer.

Xander: ::confused:: What? None of us have trailers. This is fiction.

Bracken: ::confused also:: But.. Glory? She was in hers.

Xander: Crazy Glory?

Bracken: Good point. [pause] Okay.. okay.

Everyone, but Dawn, her boyfriend and Grant show up

Willow: ::munching on chips:: What's the what, guys? And who the hell are you?

Xander: ::stealing a chip:: New episode. ::points to Bracken:: New girl. Said she'd write the next part.

Tara: Goodluck.

Bracken: Thanks. I'm going to need it. According to Silver, there's not a lot that we're allowed to do.

Everyone sighs

Buffy: [Aww shit] Damn. I was hoping for some action.

Everyone gives her a look

Buffy: ::exasperated:: Not *that* kind. I haven't had a good rumble in awhile.

Spike: I could get my chip out, and give you a good tackle.

Bracken: Your chip stopped working, nimrod. And enough with innuendos.

Xander: [Holy hot shit] His chip stopped working?!?!

Tara: ::calmly:: We already knew that. [beat] Right?

Bracken: I think so. I mean it'd make sense.

Spike: ::lighting a cigarette:: Bugger this. Just because it stopped working, doesn't mean I'm happy still having inside my bleeding skull.

Xander: What ever, buddy. Nobody cares anymore.

Spike: ::needling Xander:: Sod off, wanker.

Xander: ::giving what he gets:: Bite me, bleached skeleton.

Spike: Just because I'm not puffy like you...

Bracken: Enough! Now, there's not a lot of time left. We need to find a plot. Or even something resembling one.

Grant and Dawn walk up, eating snow cones

Xander: Hey, look it's the Dawnster and the "I'm really the bad cop, pretending to be the good cop"... cop.

Grant: ::insulted:: Shut it, young man. You don't know anything yet.

Xander: ::mimicking:: Shut it, young man. You don't know anything, blah blah blah. ::regular voice:: We're not all deeply stupid.

Dawn: How old are you?

Spike:

Bracken: You. You're a cop. You have any plot ideas?

Grant: ::amused:: I'm not really a cop, you know that right?

Xander: [haha, I told you so] I knew it!!

Grant: ::rolling eyes:: I meant, because I'm the figment of someone's imagination.

Xander: Oh. I still knew that.

Spike: ::patting Xander on the back:: I know man. I know.

Xander: [what the fuck?] Why are you sticking up for me?

Spike: Us regulars gotta stick together, even if we do hate each other.

Bracken: [whatever] Yes, now that that's all out of the way. We still need a plot.

Anya: ::chipper:: I could have sex with Grant.

Everyone looks at her sadly

Anya: What? I like a man in uniform. Just ask Xander. I made him dress up as a....

Xander: ::clearing his throat:: Ahn, honey? You're dead. You're just around for me to dream about.

Anya: ::visibly upset:: I'm.. dead? But I was so young and pretty, and not at all old and wrinkley. My god. Did you bury me? Are the worms eating my body? Does Heaven have money, that I can count and then do dances? [beat] What if I don't make it into Heaven? Was it a nice funeral? You guys did give me a funeral, right? ::crying now:: Will someone take my place?

Buffy: ::not sure how to handle this:: That..I think that only happens with Slayers and not Vengence Demons.

Anya: [stupid girl] No.. I meant, will a new regular come along, as a love interest for Xander.

Bracken: I don't think so.. it seems a bit late for something like that to happen.

Willow: ::looking down and rubbing her stomach:: I'm so sorry. I tried.

Anya: Tried? Tried what. ::notices the rubbing:: You saved my baby. Didn't you?

Willow: ::choking up:: To save you. It.. I was too late.

Anya: ::worried:: But my baby?

Tara: Is safe and well.

Anya: ::relieved:: Thank you. You're still going to be her father, right Xander?

Xander: Wouldn't have it any other way.

Bracken: ::apologetic:: This is all very touching..but it's not bringing us any closer to a plot.

Grant: ::nodding toward Spike:: He and I could...Well, you know.

Bracken: ::sighing:: There is no slash or smut in this episode.

Grant: Not even a little gratitious nudity? ::begins unbuttoning his shirt::

Bracken: Stooooooooop! I'll have none of that in my episode.

Xander: I dunno, it's pretty hot today.

Bracken: ::eyeing Xander:: Okay, *you* can take off your shirt.

Grant: What? How is that fair?

Xander: Baby.

Spike: [This is boring.] Can I kill someone? Please.

Buffy: What? No!

Spike: I used to be evil, you know? Now, I'm just a pansy assed Slayer's boy.

Xander: ::giggles::

Spike: It'd make for a plot you know.

Bracken: I know. I know. And I'd love for you to kill someone. But you can't.

Tara: Not, that I want Spike killing someone, but why exactly can't he? His chip isn't working anymore.

Willow: Yeah, Spike? Why haven't you killed anyone yet?

Bracken: He can't kill anyone now, because it's not allowed. It'd be too major and Silver has nixed all those ideas. As for why he hasn't killed anyone at all... He said it best. He's a pansy assed Slayer's boy.

Spike: [Give it a rest] I'm not a pansy ass. I just choose not to kill. I know Buffy wouldn't approve. Hmph.

Buffy: ::shudders:: Get over it, Spike. There is nothing between us.

Spike: [Yes. There. Is.] I know you feel it, Slayer.

Buffy: I feel a lot of things, Spike. But since this is PG, I won't repeat them.

Spike: Soon.

Bracken: Soon, what?

Spike: She'll admit to feeling the same way I do.

Bracken: Uhh.. wasn't that Season 6?

Spike: Almost, but not quite.

Buffy: I hardly think that Season 6 factors into any of this. None of us were ourselves then. [pause] I wonder what went wrong?

Xander: Boy, do I not know.

Tara: ::kisses Willow:: All naked and gay is fun..if you play it right.

Everyone: Huh?

Tara: ::a bit sheepish:: Trying for a bit of spicy talk, again. Also, for the plot.

Willow: ::grinning at her girlfriend:: I'm so glad we found each other. That we'll always find each other.

Tara: ::squeezing Willow's hand:: I know the feeling.

Dawn: I love you guys!

Willow: ::lets go of Tara's hand::

Tara: What is it, sweetie?

Willow: ::shaking her head, clearing it:: I don't know, really. I.. Something just felt wrong. Guess, I was just flashing back to the past. Promise me, you'll never leave?

Tara: Scout's honor.

Bracken: [This isn't helping] As touched as I am by all this, we're no where closer to a plot then we were an hour ago.

Buffy: [Isn't it obvious?] I could always bust some guy. It's my job, right?

Xander: Sounds good to me, but what are the rest of us going to do?

Buffy: Parcheesei?

Willow: We could all take another trip to the doctor's. For the baby, I mean.

Bracken: I thought you guys did that last week?

Spike: [For God's sake man] This is gettin' bloody boring.

Xander: No one cares what you have to say. Okay, *pal*?

Spike: Things have changed. Can you not get that through your thick head?

Xander: [Fuck off] You're a vampire. I don't like you. I took a stand a long time before you came barreling into town. Just because you've done a few good deeds, doesn't make you a good man. Wanna know why? Because. You're. Not. A. Man.

Bracken: [I need help] Guy's? Where are your bosses?

Tara: You mean Doyle and Silver?

Bracken: Yeah, huh.

Willow: They could be sleeping.

Xander: Together?

Tara: I seriously doubt Doyle is sleeping. And I'm not sure about Silver.

Doyle and Silver appear, miraculously

Silver: [How did I get here?] Uhh, what's going on?

Doyle: [I love odd time travel] Fancy seeing you all here.

Bracken: [Thank god for small favours] I don't know what to do with them.

Silver: What about that cop idea, I gave you?

Bracken: I like it. But doesn't something like that need cop jargon? I don't think 'Book 'em, Danno', is going to cut it.

Xander: Ooh. I want to say 'Book 'em, Danno'.

Dawn: Uhh, Xander? You're not a cop.

Tara: Maybe an episode about me perfecting the round pancake?

Willow: ::laughing:: Everyone loves your funny shapes, baby.

Tara: I know that they don't taste any different. It's just.. it's been awhile and we're still plotless.

Dawn: [Just kidding] I could tell you all to 'Get out. Get OUT. GET OUT'.

Xander: ::falls over laughing::

Buffy: [This isn't amusing] Thanks, Dawnie, for that *suggestion*, but I don't think so.

Doyle: ::Thinking about Tara's voice:: What about another musical?

Bracken: Ooh. I love that idea. But I couldn't write any songs.

Doyle?: So? Steal 'em, and change the words a bit.

Xander: Hey! We're not about stealing. [beat] But we do borrow on occasion.

Dawn: ::sing-song:: Hey hey, we're the Scooby gang. People say we're freaks. But we're too busy saving your lives, to give a shit about what you think.

Buffy: That is my new song. But Dawn? You're not really a member yet. Also? I don't think we're supposed to swear. This is PG.

Dawn: [Bitch of an older sister] I am so! I helped plenty with research while you were taking your dirt nap.

Buffy: I know, honey. But, I'm back now.

Xander: Stronger.

Willow: Faster.

Tara: And better than ever.

Spike: Sun's coming up. I better go. ::leaves::

Xander: [Thank god] Okay. Buh-bye. ::sarcastic wave:: We'll miss you.

Bracken: What about a journey somewhere?

Xander: ::glances at watch:: It's pretty late. I'm tired. Thanks for the offer, but I've got some mourning to do.

Anya: Can I come home with you tonight? I miss your nice shape and our interlocking bodies.

Xander: Come on, Ahn. ::reaches for her hand::

Buffy: Dawn has school tomorrow. I have to make sure she gets to bed. Besides, I should patrol tonight.

Grant: Patrol? In the cop car? Without me?

Buffy: [You're still here?] Uhh, no. Of course not. I patrol the house. Make sure there's no burglars and all.

Dawn: She's really thorough.

Grant: [I don't really care] Whatever. I got some shady dealings to uh..deal with. I'm out of here.

Tara: Excuse me?

Grant: [Uh oh] There's a new bar, I want to swing by. That's all I meant.

Willow: Alright. :: turning to Tara:: You ready to go, baby?

Tara: :: sly grin:: It's your turn to tell the story tonight.

The Gang leaves

Bracken: ::yelling after them:: Nex time, guys!! You'll get your plot.

As the credits roll

Willow: [V.O] And it came to be that the beautiful Princess, fell in love with another beautiful Princess, instead of the Prince. And she loved that Princess with all of her heart and soul, and made a vow to always find her. Always.

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