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| Diary Entries #5 |
| Tuesday, Christmas Day December 25th, 2001 (A LETTER NEVER SENT) Dear -----, What's up? How are you? I hope you've been doing way better than me. =) Well I guess nothing much is going on here except for the fact that I'm grounded until New Year's Day. I can't even use the phone (house or cell phone) =( And to me that's a bunch of BS you know? Oh well?!? That totally sucks doesn't it? Like I've always said I live with a monster! I've always been scared of her, did I ever tell you that? Well, yes, ever since I started high school ~ more or less ~ ever since I was twelve I've always had this fear over her. I only told you one reason which happened when I was 10-11 yrs old - that she started putting me down, when she (as my mother) is supposed to be positive about everything, literally said many wrong things. I've been living in lies for these past 5 yrs, otherwise causing me to hold back and not show my real true feelings to anyone. But why? Regardless of all this happening why do I care so much? I mean I know I'm supposed to let go of everything but it still makes me caring, patient, and understanding. I like to give chances to those who would at least take advantage of everything being given to them (everything = most things which I've never had) Now here I am finding myself at this crossroad in life which has not given me any hopes to move on... It has only given me mistrust, lies, deceit, and all negative things and negative aspects in life. Now why did I write this down? I wrote this down so you know what kind of things go through my head. I wrote this down so you can at least pick up some pieces as to why I don't fully express myself as I would honestly love/like to. You're a truly great friend and I trust you with all my heart, thoughts, and ideas. You really mean a lot to me and our friendship, too! The only thing I'm always thankful for each and everyday of the year... Is that I wake up with the gift of life and knowledge, having a great big heart, having the gift of always encountering such great people, even if in the end they're not always there. I'm also glad to have met such a wonderful person like you because you are different than most of the people I know. You have a great gift inside of you and I hope to always be there for you and I hope the favor (or gift) can be given in return. I ask for nothing except to always be yourself and always stay true to yourself. Always follow your heart's desires for I know the best of luck shall always be with you. With much love, sincerity, and appreciation, Elizabeth Friday, January 11th, 2002 Hey people what's up? Not much here just want you to enjoy the many things I go through in my daily life... And for those guys interested in something... I'm young, single, and ready to live life. Not much has been going on in life... Just trying to enjoy it as best as I can... but you know what ticks me off? When I truly learn to confide in someone, mainly a guy I care about, well they just take advantage of that trust and screw it up for themselves... Like one thing for sure... I'm starting to not like Chris anymore... I mean sure I like him, it's so obvious huh? but I mean, it's like the feeling's not there anymore. I wonder what happened to make it be this way? Life I guess... I just realized I'm still young and energetic... I mean I'm not the best looking girl there is but I'm not too bad! ;) I'm 17 yrs old and a senior in high school... I'm just too young to fall in love... If I fall in love will it be with the right guy? I hope so... I mean there is this one guy I like (which is still him), but sometimes I feel like he doesn't like me u know? sometimes I feel like he's playing around with my feelings you know? I mean I would do almost anything for him... he doesn't know that of course although sometimes it's asking for a bit too much... Argh!!! I don't know anything anymore.... Probably the only reason I'm saying this is because I haven't had much luck in being in relationships! And then he's always trying to see if I care about anything so he talks about other girls and stuff and I'm fine with it you know? He's still young too, he's had more life experience cause he's 4 yrs older than me. But I think he could be with anyone else because he deserves to be with someone better, someone who can give him all the time he needs, someone who's caring, someone who's patient, and someone he could actually present to his family. Even as friends, I don't know where he lives (I thought he trusted me enough to let me know where he lives) Even as close friends, he doesn't appreciate me as a person, as a friend, as a girl, as a human... I think it's all a game to him, no, I know it's all a game to him... I know I shouldn't bother with him anymore... but with all these intertwining feelings why do I feel like he cares about me but is scared? I know he's not, but I feel he is!?! I just think it's better if I leave it as friends who do nothing but hang out once in a while. It's better to see what life has to offer to us... It's like the song lyric "There was a time I was lying, I was so confused... I ran away just to hide it all from you, But baby you knew me better than I knew myself... They say if you love something let it go... If it comes back it's yours... That's how you know.. It's for keeps yeah, it's for sure..." I don't know I guess I'm too delusional! Sometimes I would like to talk openly to him, but something tells me he would get hurt if we ever got into this kind of conversation... I don't know I guess I should just try to see where everything is going? If it's meant for us to be together 'officially' then he'll ask, but as for now... We are just very good friends... For now that is... Only time shall tell what outcomes there are! well k? Later P.S. - "There are times it seems to me I'm sharing you with memories, I feel it in my heart but I don't show it... Then there's times you look at me, As though I'm all that you can see, Those times I don't believe it's right, I know it... Don't make me promises baby, you never did know how to keep them well, I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you it's time to show and tell..." Tuesday, January 22nd, 2002 (1:15pm) Gosh... I don't know what to do anymore!!! My life keeps me in devastation all the time... I just can't take it anymore. Damn I haven't talked to my friend Chris in such a long time. I don't know what's going to happen anymore cause I miss him a lot, and I mean a lot! Do I still like him? Yes... but I'm not going to get into that right now. I'm here at the stupid library b/c my stupid internet isn't working, figures, the last one to use it was my brother, but it was a while back. Almost 2 weeks since I haven't been online at all... Another thing I'm worried about is my friend, Alejandra. She's been having these weird-ass headaches for a while now, and it sucks. At first I thought it was her back b/c that hurt her for a while, but I guess they went away. Man, but I'm worried about her you know cause she's my close friend. Oh I know what I can write about... hehehe... I went to go take some new pics of me at the mall. I took them on Saturday at the Montebello Mall, it's not a mall, it's more of a town center cause that's what it's called, but who cares we still consider it a mall! I haven't been in touch with the reality that is my life b/c I've been too distracted on trying to pass this semester cause FINALS are next week and I don't know what I'm going to do! well I mean besides study and everything! Did I mention some computer graphics class I'm taking? It's being offered by Santa Monica College, and I'm getting 10 high school credits as well as 3 college units. It's going to back up my psychology class(which I took last year from LACC and passed with a B and got 10 credits and 3 units ) and I'm going to take a French class next month being offered by LACC for 10 credits and 5 units. Plus during school hours I'm going to take another class for college credit too! Geez, I never knew I had so many things going for me as far as college credit goes, cause I think I got some college credit for the Academy of Finance class, which was Accounting/Finance, which I took at USC during October and November 2001. I mean for the moment before I finished the semester I had 201 credits, even though I was supposed to have 206, but don't ask why I have so many. As far as I know I'm exceding my credits but who cares? Just as long as it's more than enough to secure high school grad? I know what you must be thinking? yeah, yeah what a dork? no I'm not I just think I'm pretty boring though. It's true, huh? whatever the case may be, I guess it's going to be of great use once I get into college or into a community college, whatever the case may be. Damn, don't I type too much? Yes I do!!! Anyway, I'm off to check my e-mail cause by the looks of it I have a lot of typing to do, so until then... Later.... (1:30pm) |
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