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| Thursday, November 8th, 2001 Hey well there was another thing I forgot to write about. I talked to Chris on Tuesday. Well I saw him online but my brother had to wake up like always! Anyway we were chatting about what happened on Sunday and I was actually surprised because he wanted to talk about it. Well I was surprised that he wanted to talk period!!! Anyway, we were talking about what could have been different and what other things we would have liked to have done. We chatted for about half an hour, and then I decided to call him for a while. I was supposed to call him at 11:00pm but no one picked up. I went online and he said his brother was on the phone and that he wanted to just chat on the net even though we would have preferred talking to each other on the phone. Sunday, November 11th, 2001 Well yeah we were talking about what happened and what could've happened. Yeah we didn't get into details about it... It was cool though cause at least you know we are keeping in touch and to me it's really sweet! Yeah we've been talking yesterday and earlier today. Yeah but we'll see cause I'm on the phone with some dude... no not 'C' =( =( Take Care Friday, November 16th, 2001 (6:??pm) I know I know it's been more than a few days but what can I say? a lot! Thats what?!? Man am I happy =) =) =) almost in love though! what can I say? Let's see I got into an argument with my mom a couple of days ago. It was all BS but what can I do? nothing! - Anyway, I had a nice long conversation with Chris on Wednesday. Aww how cute!!! He missed me a lot! I miss him too =) He knows that, he just likes hearing it though. (should I really let him know or how him how I feel?) Doesn't it sound odd though? I mean it's cool but how come we're not together? Is he afraid of love, commitment or just being in a relationship? I don't know I think it's all of the above! I can relate to it a lot, but I was and am willing to give everything a chance though. But... the conversation we had last night truly made me realize a lot of things. Chris is very sensitive, thoughtful, curious, pensive, open, and I don't know what else... he's just himself and I love that about him... Gee, what don't I love? - when he's sad - when he's quiet - when he's just so negative =( Oh well, but I like/love to help ease away his pain =) It's just so confusing right? Only I know what I feel... not too sure... but I'll do what my heart says is right... which is walk down one straight path with no regret and live life as it comes, as it is, and how it shall be... Because it is I who chooses what becomes of my life!!! Sincerely, an almost reassured soul (7:00pm) Sunday, November 25th, 2001 Hey what's up? Nothing much has been here, except for maybe bad thoughts! I don't know what to do anymore!!! It's stupid... Everything is too damn stupid! I just want to give up on everything!!! There's nothing left for me to say since my mom has been picking argument after argument after argument all week long. Well actually it's been ongoing for about 3 years now!!! It's crazy 'cause I know I don't have any support whatsoever! I know I'm not supposed to be saying this, but man I'm starting to feel sorry for myself... ANGST, TEARS, PAIN, TORTURE, AGONY, DESPAIR, LOST, HOPELESS, STUPID?, USED?, ENIGMATIC?, MISUNDERSTOOD, DUMB?, HORROR, PSYCHOTIC, HIDEOUS, AM I A PUPPET?, HATRED, NOT NEEDED, GUILT, HELD BACK? WEAK, GULLIBLE, DECEIT, BLIND?, HURT, SUFFERING, INSENSITIVE, AM I A SICK PAWN EVERYONE USES TO THEIR ADVANTAGE?, DONE FOR?, ME?, WHO AM I?, UGLY, MISTRUSTED, AM I SUPPOSED TO BE HERE?, UNJUST, MISERABLE, CONFUSION, NOT STRONG?, WHY DO I HAVE SO MUCH MISERY?, IS IT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY?, CORRUPTED, VIOLATILE... I mean I'm sorry to say this again but I do feel sorry for myself. I just don't know what to do, where to turn to, who to talk to, how I go at it, where to go, etc... These are just some questions left to be unanswered!!! Should I be reproachful towards everything, should anyone approach me? I'm just sick and tired of these foolish insipid games the lady likes to play on me. They're not good for me! I'm trying to be focused on school and what happens when I come home? we start bickereing! over what? Over nothing! I ask for permission to go out and what happens when I come home? Another argument... But sure when I'm not on the phone, she has no complaint(s) whatsoever and when I'm on the phone - "Anna go to the store" "You still have your dressing clothes on" "Go do this... go do that, I'm just not in the mood to go anywhere!" Oh and like I am? Geez, it's the same thing over and over. I do my chores around this apt. only for what? To find my brother mess up everything in his path? He should have responsibilities too! "Pero, Anita, eres la 'mujercita' de la casa" In other words just because I'm a girl I'm supposed to do everything?!? When have I been able to have time for myself? When have I made time for friends? When have I made time to go out and have a good time w/o worries? Can anyone answer that? No one... If I can't drive myself back to sanity, who will? No one because I have been isolating myself from the world. I haven't been able to express my feelins to anyone at all! Not Chris, whom I truly do care about and trust so much. Not myself b/c everything seems to attack me like some quixotic, uncanny enigma set to explode when I know I am at my weakest moment. Not my mother, the lady who is driving me to this unprofound stage of insanity!?! Not my friends, for I don't want any pity from b/c I am here to help, even if I cannot be helped at all. I guess this is where it all boils down to. Me, a simple mided, observant, very keen girl, what about me? I just give everyone what I've never had, may never have, may never get to experience. But you know, I may be tortured in this way... But isn't MY life meant to be this way? Probably b/c I can hardly and rarely remember a day or maybe a split second in which I was actually happy. So for now, this is me. What makes me weak at one point can only make me stronger right? We'll see what happens... The ever so hurt and unhealing soul of a girl who shall know nothing... Well I think I'm dumb for writing that down! =( Anyway, I talked to 'C' out of despair... I didn't know what to do at the time! I was talking to him about my problems and I actually broke down on the phone... it was a very emotional time for me... but at least he we talked and he reassured me a lot, and he gave me hopes and stuff... he said everything was going to be alright! =) we talked for practically the whole day back and forth... it was cool!!! Anyway, I have to get going cause I'm gonna go to sleep. k? Take care and Bye! Monday, November 26th, 2001 I don't have much to say cause I had a whatever day you know? Anyway, I'm here at home... School wasn't very productive today, or maybe I feel like that cause the school's Winter Ball is coming up? Well I know who I'm taking ;) yup he knows who he is... I don't know I have a feeling something's going to happen... I don't know! I don't want anything to mess up the night. I want to spend it with him and show him off to everyone... oh well... I want some stupid bitch to see him (but I won't get into that cause she doesn't deserve to be named) Oh well... gotta go now... I'm talking to my friend ;) =P I guess I'll write later on... |