I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. It's like I want to talk to him, but then again, I want to hold back, Ugh! It is just so confusing... Anyway, I'll see what is going on for the weekend. It's like everything is intertwining together some reason, then again it's like a lot of people are trying to get back into my life. Like let's see, 1st of all William. He called me the same day "C" and I broke up. I hadn't seen him for the longest and boy has he changed. Not appearance wise, but more so his way of thinking. I knew he could change, if he put his mind to it. So we hung out for like an hour. It was late though, like 6:30pm or something. At least we talked and saw each other. Nothing happened cause he's like a bro to me, and you know this was recent so I couldn't stop talking about everything that happened. He was cool about it cause he understood most of it.
Anyway, throughout these past couple of days, I haven't been able to ease the pain, but I haven't cried after Wednesday!!! I am so freakin proud of myself. Bye!
Monday, October 22nd, 2001
(7:20pm) Hey, well here I am again! Funny, huh? I guess my prediction came true, I was going to write more often or at least for this month. And I guess, I have no where else to turn to... Man am i really going crazy for real? I know I'm going to look back at this and cry tears of laughter but I feel so isolated from the everyday reality that is my life. I mean I know it's always going to be hard to deal with but what can I say? Just a lonely girl whom no one really cares about, but me, oh what about me? Yeah, I guess I care too much for the world that is so false. I mean c'mon I care about one person, but they hurt me. I think someone cares but then again not really sure about it. I put my faith, my honesty, and my true self on the line, and what do I get??? Nothing but betrayal, lies, and most of all suffering ~ For all is not well when this young girl, that is me, can truly be happy. Yet I always realize I am not and cannot be allowed to be happy not even for a day, a week, a month ~ not even a fraction of a second. I mean I am getting sick and tired of being patient (what else is there?) I'm tired of being nice, I'm tired of being caring and respectful ~ Isn't it funny? It sounds like I am tired of being myself. Maybe I am??? Maybe I'm not but I guess I am just going through tough adjustments, right? But I do wish and hope for people (real people) to come into my life to make a positive impact on me 'cause this young girl's mind is slowly drifting away from the reality that is and because of the little sanity I still have left inside of me. I need just one person to tell me it's going to be alright, so that I can recuperate and still come out with reason (sanity). But I guess it will never happen because it is probably too much to ask for since I've never known what true goodness is, but out of everything I've been through, I am glad I was give a good-natured, kind-hearted soul ~ One who will always be there for others, even if there isn't a living soul for her to turn to... (7:40pm)
Wednesday, October 24th, 2001
Hey I know, I know, I should've written this yesterday... But I guess I couldn't contain myself. But it started in the morning. Since we had a reverse minimum day, I guess I felt like calling "C" - even though I know I shouldn't have. Either way I did. He wasn't "home" but afterwards he called back. I told him I was home and that I was going to go to school at a later time. Anywho, he was like "oh really" and then we talked about seeing each other. He actually showed up at my house and I was surprised! Yeah, we talked and it felt pretty good - just talking. He was being nice by saying hi to my mom, even though she didn't expect it! =P Haha, that was funny... Anyway, it's like I don't know what to think anymore 'cause with "C" I don't know... I felt weird but I was overwhelmed too! We talked for a while in the staircases and he felt like hugging me, so I gave him a hug. Then out of nowhere, we start talking about ourselves. Then he said ok he had to go to work, so I took him downstairs. Before that he wanted another hug, so I gave him another one, but what was so funny was that he got a little too excited. It was funny to see why. Oh well... So he grabbed my hand and we start walking downstairs and started walking towards his car. Well, he asked me if I had any time to just talk, right? So I told him I did and we started talking in his car. He proposed an idea since he says he cares about me and is real afraid of losing me. He asked me if I was willing to wait for him, because he said he just needed and wanted time to finish his semester of school. I mean I already knew he needed time for his school but he was the one to take a chance to ask me to be his girlfriend. Anyway, his semester is going to be over in like a little over a month at least, and that by then, he will want to spend all his time with me! Isn't that nice and sweet of him? But anyway, what got me thinking was that he said if he wasn't a focused person, he would have dropped school for me and that wouldn't have seemed fair. So he told me to put myself in his situation that if I were the one asking him to wait, he would wait. So, for the moment, I don't want to seem like I should wait! Let's change the subject! We started making out in his car, but I don't think I should have followed his game. I should be getting respect and I have been getting it. At least we didn't get too carried away. That's the last thing I want to be in!!! So the time really flew by and we didn't know what time it was, and I obviously missed the school bus so I had to take the MTA. As of yet, I haven't been thinking about any guy - not even Chris, not yet. =P So, we'll see what there will be to write about?!? So I guess this is it until later - next time I mean...
Monday, November 5th, 2001
Hey what's new? A lot for me I guess...
Well nothing much has happened except that I talked to "C" yesterday. I don't know why I called him though. It was after 12:00pm as far as I remember. But anyway, he seemed so enlightened when we were talking. At least it was for more than half an hour! Anyway, later I find him sending me messages 'cause we were online. He still did not find a thing to do. So we start talking about each other. Then he said he wanted to see me but then at the same time he would feel like if he wouldn't be able to keep away because he would feel like 'making love'. I was kind of shocked 'cause of what he said. Then I thought about it because we really don't know each other for that long, even though it feels like if we do. Anyway he came over, and we just ended up talking for the whole afternoon. No action took place, c'mon I'm more better than that =P All we did was have a nice, long talk. There was a funny part to the day... I think it was when I sneaked him into the house without my brother knowing at all. My brother was on the internet the whole time "C" was here. I don't know what we would've ended up doing if it was somewhere else. Why bother thinking about now right? Anyway, it was a fun, entertaining, wonderful afternoon...