Sometimes, I feel like I'm very superficial. As I read the other online journals, I get amazed by the depth of emotions shown on those pages. There are people who question religion, question themselves, everything. What do I write about? Swimming and worm reproduction. The most profound things you have ever read, haven't you?

I wonder if it's because my life is too uneventful. Not likely a valid reason, since I can't be the only 19-year-old Chinese student without a dysfunctional family or relationship problems. Is my life too simple or is it me being too simple-minded to see beyond myself?

Some of the other people see their online journal to be real space of self-expression, to be the person they really are, to discover themselves and say things they cannot say in the real life. I'm amazed by my own lack of distinction between the cyber-me and the world-me.

Sometimes, I'm no longer sure whether I am the person I think I am, or the person I chose to be. There have been times I have to justify my own actions so much I get sick of my own words. In the end, I just do what people expect me to do, just so that they wouldn't ask any questions. Just an example of how serious the problem is:

I'm sort of like a personality quiz master among my hwachong group of friends, always the one to remember personality quizes, the one to analyse the answers. That day, having a sudden urge to test if my friends understand me, I asked my friends to guess my own answer for one of the quizes. Most of them didn't give an answer. Agnes and Cheryl were the two I was the closest to, who were therefore also the ones I expected the right answer. I forgot which answer they chose, but they were wrong. But as Cheryl justified her guess to me, I got confused. I forgot whether I have just chosen to present myself in a certain way to her, or I really am such a person. I think that's really pathetic. So I changed the subject.

Perhaps I'm too self-absorbed. I'm not one of those people who question the meaning of life or whatever. I do not have problems with authority most of the time, I enjoy light-hearted conversation most of the time. When we go on to serious topics, I do have my own spur-of-the-moment-just-to-sound-like-I've-been-thinking-about-it-all-the-time opinion. Yup, I sound intelligent, but I'm actually full of crap. In fact, I have been known to crack stupid jokes all the time, though I really thought they were funny. And I mean stupid jokes.

Maybe I really am a bimbo. Eeeww...