...210702, 1232hr, central time...

i was watching the vcd of the one and only korean film i know - il mare. it still sparks these little bits of feeling in me. it's a mixture of too many intricate emotions i cannot put into words. [not that there aren't words for them, i just don't know them. ahem.] the guy in the film reminds me of shaun though, funnily. haha. i think it's the smile, and the dress sense he has. or maybe it's the many shots of him drinking wine.

* * *

the cheesecake i baked didn't turn out too well.

i mean, it still tastes good, but it wasn't what i expected it to be. i spent close to an hour working on the crust, i added a layer of chocolatey stuff on top of it, it was supposed to be a "fudge-bottom" cheesecake. now what i have is literally a layer of brick solid chocolate on top of the usual crust. hardly what i'd call "fudge". grrrr. i should have just stuck with the original traditional recipe.

but anyhow it's my own baking, i am still rather proud of it. chee wai doesn't have a sweet tooth at all, so i think i'm gonna have to finish this whole cake on my own. i originally intended to distribute it out to my friends here, partly to spread the fats around [haha] and partly to thank them for all their help while i was crippled. but now that it's a failure, it's too embarrassing to give it away. i think i'll bake cookies next - my cookies have never failed me, they should be presentable enough to give away. and everyone loves white chocolate chunky cookies, no?

* * *

it's not so much that i really want to cry. but i know something's wrong with me, and i thought crying might help. now that i'm faced with this week's workload and other things to worry about, maybe it's better to just move ahead and hope the mess in me untangles itself. or even if it doesn't, maybe it'll disappear into a knot so tiny it doesn't bother me as much.

i read a manga once, about a girl who lost her ability to cry after she broke up with her boyfriend. i feel like i'm her. it's not that things don't touch or hurt me anymore, but i've run out of tears. which is not a bad transformation, maybe, i do think i used to be too easily moved to tears. part of the reason he thinks we're incompatible is that i cry too much. it freaks him out.

actually, i don't really want to think about this anymore, i think it's only futile. the fact is, we've broken up. i need to move on, and i know i will. but i cannot hurry myself, nor can i drag myself down. sometimes i think i'm miserable only because i want to be, other times i think i'm strong only because it gives me more hope. and my days are made up of separate moments like these, ask me how i am and perhaps you'll get a different answer if you had asked a few minute before or after. ultimately though, i think i'm just me, trudging along this little path of mine, hoping to get to the end and get a prize or something. or at least i know someday i can count the scars on my heart like battle scars and show them off like an old war veteran. courage under fire. *flex muscle* yeah, that's me! someday.