" the polar bear effect "

...200702, 1435hr, central time...

publicity stunts:
a uiuc friend, yingning, is organizing a charity performance with his friends in singapore. it'll be held on the 28th of july (sunday) at 3pm. the beneficiary is the singapore school for the visually handicapped. a few other of my uiuc friends [chongkian and wenqiang] are also helping out, as well as faith. tickets can be bought at the door, or through yingning and any of these people. tickets can also be bought even if you're not free to attend, they're $4 each and they're for charity anyway, so please support my friends in their effort to do something. for more details, please contact yingning. my personal interest in this performance is that someone will be singing 2 of my favorite jay chou songs, while on the piano. i would definitely go, if i were in singapore.

another link, to poach who's painstakingly put up the pictures we took during the vancouver/seattle trip. pictures came from my camera, but she took most of them, and they turned out beautifully. it's her skill, not my camera, i must clarify.

* * *

i have a strong temptation to waste my weekend away, probably spent baking, listening to my japanese cds and watching vcds. alas, this is the wrong weekend to do it. it's always the wrong timing, i have too much work to do, i know i'll just hate myself, come sunday night, if i indeed spend the day bumming the minutes away.

yesterday, a few of us went out for dinner together, shuyi's cousin came to visit, from u-chicago. at one point, wl asked me, "so, is so-and-so your best friend?" before i could answer, shuyi jokingly answered for me, "of course not! there's alvin, you know." i was stunned, i didn't quite know what to say. the moment passed though, i think i covered it up by "boyfriends aren't necessarily your best friends, shuiyi my girl." haha. what a good comeback. but it left this little dent in me, i just didn't feel comfortable that whole night, from that point on. clue being, even a tom hanks movie didn't make me cry. or even tear. something's clearly wrong.

i tried to make myself cry, when i got home. i put on the CDs that reminded me of him, i played the songs that matched my mood. but it didn't help, i just sat there, silent and dazed. i wanted to cry, i wanted to get it over and done with, but somehow tears never fall at the right time, or for the right reason.

it's strange, even while keeping myself busy, i cannot seem to get him out of my mind. i think it's the someone-tells-you-to-not-think-of-a-white-polar-bear effect. sigh. sometimes i think i hate him, for being such an irresponsible retard, yet other times i remember the happiest times of my life here in uiuc and i wonder what a precious person he is. i remember that disgustingly old t-shirt he loves so much, his ugly bedsheets, his unshaven face, his scarily perfect skin. some of those things, i never liked about him, but yet over time i've grown to find them endearing. on the whole, he's never been a very likeable person, yet over time i've grown to find him endearing too. and now, i have to switch gear. i have to learn to not think of him that way again.

they say men are the darnest people, they give you the happiest memories as well as the saddest, to confuse the hell outta you.