...180702, 1755hr, central time...

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so i went to see the doctor yesterday. a different doctor from last time, and this one seems a lot less concerned about the state of my ankle. which is a good thing, i guess. [the look of "horror" on the last doctor's face when she first looked at my foot comes to mind...] he says i don't have to use my crutches anymore. i think the implication was that i should still use it, but i don't have to. what the heck, i returned them to the clinic anyway. i simply detest crutches, to be honest. i'm limping like crazy today, but it's really not that bad, better than limping with crutches. i think those crutches make me feel a lot more useless than i actually am.

this doctor also gave me more painkillers, 2 weeks worth it it. just enough to last me till the end of the semester. damn it, i was hoping i don't have to take anymore medication, because i can't drink when on medication and dang the beer sitting in the fridge is literally calling my name.

but in all, it was a good visit. i was a little freaked out by my own ankle just a few days ago, because there seem to be certain areas more conspicuously swollen, i wasn't sure what that meant. but the doctor says it's normal that it's still swollen, it'll take a few weeks to heal. he also says i should keep my foot elevated as much as possible. above my heart. dude, try typing on the computer with your foot propped up on the desk in front of you. see how comfortable that is eh? by the way, that's precisely what i'm doing right now. i really want to get the swelling down, i guess i have no choice. but honestly, this is a very very bad position to be in. i feel super distorted.

the only good thing this sprained ankle has done to me, was to make me walk slower. indeed, it's a good thing. my summer classes haven't been particularly stressful, i was stressed up mostly about other things. sometimes though, when out there, walking alone, those things don't have to bother me. in fact, nothing really has to be on my mind. all i had to think about, was "crutches up, crutches down, step, up, down, step, up, down..." when i get tired, i also stop for a rest. one time, i stopped under a tree, and suddenly i realized that the tree had some flowers. i wonder if it's my imagination, but the faint fragrance was a pleasant surprise of the moment.

maybe what i really need, is to slow down. everyone should slow down, once in a while. you need to know where you're going, but at the same time, you should also know where you are. everyone knows that it's the process that matters, not the destination. but few really know what it means. no, it doesn't mean looking back when you get there to appreciate what's brought you there. it means to live each minute and each moment like it is already the destination and appreciate it as it is.

but then again, i think i've become more impatient precisely because i'm restricted in my movement. i want to do this and that, go here and there, but i cannot. i'm more or less confined to my room once i get down to the basement, because the staircase is a little too narrow and steep i don't like going up and down them. after class i go straight home, because i'm already tired. i don't like what i'm like when i'm crippled. i'm cheery to everyone who offers me sympathy, yeah, silly me, sprained my ankle, that's all, i'm fine! it seems like the appropriate disposition for someone who's attracts sympathy. but despite what i say, deep down i feel so pathetic that i turn around and hate myself for excessive self-pitying. i contradict myself so much now i'm confused.

i've also been feeling especially crappy the few days, perhaps a delayed reaction to the finality of my decision. the wavering confidence in myself. after i finally decided to break up, i didn't cry about it at all. been busy, catching up with my work, reworking my website, writing emails to let everyone know i'm okay. honestly though, i've never had the quiet moment to consider if i'm actually okay. am i? i don't want to think about it now though, i guess slowing down to smell the fragrance of the flowering tree is fine, but slowing down to taste the salty tears in my memory, i'm not ready for it. it's funny, i found this piece of used tissue paper in my bed yesterday. at first i wondered what it's doing in my bed, then i remembered.