020702, 1240hr, central time

well yeah i know i don't usually update twice a day. but heck it, i feel like it. [plus i have an exam tomorrow, the urge to write is always the strongest when there's something else more important that needs to be done....]

i feel like my last entry had been unnecessarily somber. it's not like it's the end of the world, it's not a big deal at all, this vow of mine. i guess i only wanted to make it public, so i become more conscious of my thoughts, and my accountability towards this promise of mine. the temptations of course exist, to continue fooling around with other people's hearts. but i'm just saying i'm tired of it, i do believe this is a turning point of my life. if i were more religious this is probably the time to check myself into a nunnery, and take the opportunity to take a cold hard look at myself. but that's not what i'm doing, i do believe i take cold hard looks at myself almost on a everyday basis. so no that's not the idea. i'm really just going about my usual business, it's not like i wear black and grey and speak only when spoken to or whatever other strange things the vow of celibacy is supposed to encompass. i'm still me! i'm still a student, a friend, daughter, a thinker, and feeler, a bummer. i'm still everything i've ever been, but just not a lover, that's all.

when will i be ready to remove the glass casing, as some impatient cute guys may ask, haha...well, i ask myself the same question. and i don't know. the last time i took such a vow, i set a time limit. this time i don't think i want to, in that i think such matters are not related to time at all. i believe when it's time, i'll just know, and i won't hesitate.

while eating lunch today, i was watching the anime video tapes i rented on sunday, fushigi yugi, which i will probably mention a few more times in the future because it's a very interesting series. but anyway, there's a subplot about the romance between the main characters. at one point, tamahome tells miaka, "why can't i stay with you? why do you keep running from you? i just want to be with you. i will protect you with my life. forever." something like that.

well. i know the day i'm ready to return to the challenges of romance, is the day i don't cry with sadness upon hearing this said by one anime character to another, first of all - i feel silly enough crying in the movies, not to mention crying in front of the tv while munching on my veggies. why did i cry though? because i was thinking, "he has no idea what he's talking about." and then i wondered what a dreadful bitter person i've become. the day i'm ready for new love again, is the day i will instead be thinking, "aww how sweet. i shall find such a man for myself." maybe i'll still cry, but i'll know the difference.

lalalalala, so that's the deal. in the mean time, guys guys guys, get in line please. you can look, but you cannot touch. or maybe if you're a really sweet guy you can touch it a little. but only if you promise not to poke. hahahaha.... but anyway, no matter what, you cannot have it. my heart is retired for now, it's really just resting.