020702, 0744hr, central time

it's not easy saying no. especially to yourself.

i have already decided, that this time i will take my vow more seriously, that i will keep like 10 feet away from any mildly interested guy, or any mildly interesting guy. after i settle all the shit with alvin, after i get my closure, and after i seal my wounds with cement. and in the process, i do believe my heart will be set in a glass casing too.

yes it's only glass, it can easily be broken, i do believe my heart is born to love and care and be the absolutely most vulnerable thing on my body. it seems like it's just meant to be the way it is, the only thing i can try to do to protect it is to set it in glass. and protect the glass with my damn life, if i have to. because there's no way i can take another beating right now.

so the answer is no. and no. and no. no matter how many times you ask, no matter how much i have to agree life is about risks, that adventure is the key to finding out, that i should give you a chance. yes yes yes i do agree. but it doesn't change my decision, because my decision came before you did, and it is no longer a vow if i break it just like that. i'm leo. i'm very stubborn. and you hardly know how determined i can be.

one of the penny dai songs i'm listening to recently says,

for the hanyupinyin illiterates, the important message of this whole chain of words, is basically that i know my choice brings me to a rough road, perhaps i will lose my way in the process. but my will to carry on - my zhi-zhuo - is my only pride. and may i add, it is also my only strength. i believe in my case, this zhi-zhuo is always known as stubbornness. i tend to get that a lot, though i really resent people trying to make me feel guilty for knowing what i want and pursuing it. do not claim to know the situation any better than i do. more importantly, do not claim to know me any better than i do. though it doesn't look that way, i am in actual fact pursuing romance, the romance as i believe it to be. i am not running away.

i think i'm a romantic, deep down. i have certain notions of how it would be, when i fall in love, when i shall live happily ever after. i'm so extremely romantic i will kill, to protect that sense of romance in me, and right now it faces extinction, because i've not met the right man. too many times, too many wrong ones. i need more faith, i need more strength to carry on with my belief, so i need time. my life will go on well enough without romance, i know, i've after all lived rather peacefully with myself for 17 years before being struck by the love bug the first time. and there was a brief window when i was perfectly contented with myself, single at that time too. i have faith in myself, that this shall not be the end of my life as a romantic, but i think i need some time off to nurture that love in my heart, to at least first learn to love myself again. and until that happens, nothing that i get from this forever turbulent world of dating, meeting new guys, and saying 'i love you's is going to mean anything.

so i'm taking this vow. don't try to break it for me, i will remove the glass casing when i'm ready. if you force it, the glass will only shatter and further wound my already bleeding heart.