240602, 2022hr, central time

if you look at the little things, little joy can fill your heart.

on saturday, at the pits of my depression, i received a 11k email from poachie my dearie, and as i read the email, my tears fell. but i wasn't sad, i was actually feeling very very touched, just that it wasn't in me to bask in that joy in any other way but in tears. in about 2 weeks time, i'm visiting her in vancouver and then we'll be exploring seattle together, for a weekend. i left all the planning to her, since she's the organized one of us two, and she's got more free time on her hands [or so i believe.] and that 11k email is her report of what she's gotten planned for us. it's so detailed, and so wonderfully thoughtful, i felt this intense love for her, and appreciation for the unconditional friendship we share. due to my inertia over the weekend and my forgetfulness today, she also called and reserved coach tickets for me. she mothers me so much she even tells me what to bring, down to the toiletries i should bring and what i should not bring. haha. it's vaguely insulting to my intelligence, but in a very sweet way.

it took me 2 days to write this down because i was too clouded in my vision.

i should try to minimize the amount of time i spend at home these days. this house is big, but there's only cheewai and i around, making it hollow and very lonely. at least when i'm out alone, i'm surrounded by other sounds, of people talking, even people singing. i was sitting in the campus bubble tea place today doing my work, and i heard the manager sing. a jay chou song too. no, not any of the ones alvin sings, but still one of the more popular ones. and it gave me a very weird vibe. the vibe went away though, overtaken by a group of obnoxious chinese people who insisted on laughing very loudly. their laughter literally echoes through the whole place 10 times before dying off. very irritating. but it's a change, to being irritated with other people, rather than with myself.

i also bumped into lamlap at the bubble tea place, he's there for his dinner, which consisted only of bubble tea and some chicken wings. he gave me two chicken wing drumsticks, because he says he doesn't like them anyway. i didn't really believe him, but i gratefully accepted anyway, because it didn't seem right to insist on watching him eat either. we talked for only 15 minutes, but at least i saw a friendly face today. how precious is that! and we agreed to go to the movies on friday, for hugh grant's about a boy. some promise to hanging out time is always welcomed in my weekends, i'm very grateful.

so anyway, today is monday. i survived the weekend, i emerged from my basement this morning to face a scorchingly hot day. i'm suffering from terrible blisters on my feet for a pair of shoes i swear never to wear again, and i'm slight sunburnt on my shoulders for my first day in a spaghetti-strapped top. i swapped my schedule around so i could study japanese in the afternoon and the first few pages of my beautiful new notebook is now neatly scribbled with my japanese handwriting, my left pinkie has a small cut from my clumsy efforts of cutting paper to decorate my notebook - but it's worth it, cos it's all pretty now. if i were adventurous enough, i would have gotten a new haircut or a dye today too, the urge was there. but i stopped myself short because i quite like my present haircut actually and i don't have the money for a dye. i guess i shouldn't go too far in trying to start afresh.

yes, i am starting afresh, it's a new beginning. it doesn't mean that i do not carry the scars of yesterday, but it does mean that i know there're other things waiting for me in the future that will distract me from them. i know there will be, i just need to get out there.