250602, 2043hr, central time

i really shouldn't be doing this now. i have an exam tomorrow at 9am, and i have 4 thermodynanics work problems due at 10am of which i've only done 1. i also have tonnes of emails to reply to. and two tonnes of dirty laundry to do. i can think of a thousand and one things i really need to do, but i'm not doing any of those things.

i simply don't feel like it. i'm in a crazy mood and i honestly can't be bothered to do what i ought to do, i just want to do what i feel like doing. which is to sit around not doing anything. do you ever feel that way? well, i feel like it now. i'm not in a crappy mood, no, not really. it's more like a "heck care" mood. like nothing actually matters anymore.

there're six bottles of beer, and some leftover bacardi and some other dunnowhat liquor sitting in my fridge right now. tonight is the night i really want to get drunk, because then i have a legitimate reason for not doing anything. the only thing stopping me from doing that right now is that i'm so completely bloated from dinner+brownie that i don't think i can down the alcohol quickly enough to get drunk. besides, we all know alcohol is simply a whole bunch of empty calories that will make me fatter and even more depressed by tomorrow morning.

someone's been visiting my archives, this entry in mid-november 2001 popped up in my site stats, somehow, so i clicked on it, and i read it. and a couple before and after that. can you tell i was happy then? can you tell? it makes me so sad, yet happy too, that once upon a time i was a happy chirpy spirit. those were the days, when homework was my top priority, and lousy results my worst nightmare. those were the simple days.

now, go read the whole bunch of entries during that period of time. it's refreshing, isn't it? it's strange literally feeling a smile behind the entries of that period, maybe not like a big grin the whole time, but even the mild bitching was done with some kind of twinkle in the eye or something. i reread my more recent entries, i sense more fatigue than fire, more inertia than energy. it's quite sad. i've lost my spark! gasp. this is so dreadful....

i think i shall forever be jealous of faith who is the true miss sunshine, she literally oozes cuteness, warmth and optimism through everything she says. i must learn to feel more upbeat. and stop sounding like a cow has died on me.

but in the mean time, let me continue not doing anything. i'm thinking if i flunk my exam tomorrow it'll inspire me to face more immediate tangible problems and throw away all the vague and depressing thoughts away. do i have to resort to that to make myself snap out of it? there's really nothing else i can think of - i've tried going out more often, i've tried basking in sunshine [though the weather today wasn't quite too conducive for that], i've tried listening to happy tunes. it's doing some good - superficially. but at the same time, i'm sensing the whole separation of my body and soul again. something's out of sync and it's driving me crazy. what the hell, i wanted to scold my soul, what do you want?! honestly, i'm very lost. i don't know what else to do. there's no point in feeding feel-good vibes to myself when they get only skin-deep.

i want to go dancing.