170602, 2306hr, central time

let's see, so what have i been doing these days?

first of all, the dinner on saturday went well. things turned out pretty much the way i expected, and i suitably impressed a mother of a friend's friend, who happened to be visiting her daughter. very strange indeed, but she's malaysian anyway, and she kinda reminds me of my own mom, so it was nice talking to her. she was apparently impressed that i could cook, and that i do my family's laundry [it came up in chatting, somehow]. a friend overheard her complimenting me in another room and excitedly came over to tell me. haha. i think she's more like trying to get her own daughter inspired to do more cooking and laundry. hahah...

i also watched 2 movies over the weekend. used up the beverly's voucher that i won for being usher or supervisor of the year or something last year. yeah, it's almost expired. that's how long i've not actually been to beverly's. or rather, the very few times i've been there, i forgot about the voucher. but anyway, neither of the shows are particularly impressive, but not a complete waste of money either. especially bourne identity, at least i got to salivate over matt damon's body. god he's hot. eeeeeek. never thought i'd say that. also never thought i'd think josh hartnett is quite cute, but 40 days 40 nights changed my mind about it. see, all it takes is one movie to get my bimbotic hormones pumping. heh.

the rest of the weekend was spent recuperating from the cooking thing on saturday - c'mon, i cooked for 15 people okay - and watching vcds. shuyi lent me her set of vcds for this taiwanese pop teen series called meteor showers..i didn't think i would like it, it's just that i caught a couple of episodes on tv in singapore and i figured why not, might as well see what happens in that show and see if i want to read the manga for it. [it's a tv adaptation of a japanese manga.]

man, i got so hooked on this show......and this show also made me feel very sad. essentially, i'm wondering how screwed up i really am.

raymond says i should find someone who can provide me with the kind of qualities i want and need, that i should not hang on for the sake of hanging on. but see, i wonder, if such a guy does come along, will i love him? can i love him? i know it's silly for me to say this, but i'm jealous of the characters in the show, i'm jealous that they feel this love that seems to elude me. one part, the girl tells the guy, "maybe we should give up." and the guy promptly replied, "if only i could, but i can't." see, that's the kind of love i'm talking about, something that you cannot give up, that you cannot imagine life without the other, that you just know. of course, in that show the guy's pretty much a simple-minded idiot, so maybe that's how he can be so absolutely sure about it, but i'm still very jealous. i don't think i'll ever get it, i don't think i'll ever be able to let myself go completely, to plunge myself the whole way through, throw myself into the darkness, jump off the cliff into the unknown and confidently know where i'm going, or that my guy will be right there. i would say no one's proven to me yet that he'll be there, but that's also because i've not jumped.

maybe some people would say i'm picky, i do have a checklist of things i would like in my guy, like a good body is no harm, intelligence essential, confidence, kindness, blah blah. i would even go as far as to say i don't want a particularly poor or rich guy and that i won't like a guy who can't dance with me, blah blah blah. yes, i have a list of some of the quirkiest things. but that's all a joke of course, because of the entire list, i actually only require one, being that i love him. and trust me, that is so much more difficult to achieve than all other items combined, because that depends on me, to take the plunge.

so the problem lies with me - there's no point in blaming any other person, is there? the problem is over the years, i lost my trust and faith in love - the love that i'm looking for. i don't trust there to be such love in the real world, or at least not for me. maybe it's got to do with my personal experiences with past guys, or maybe i've never trusted anyway i just gradually learnt more about myself. well, fact is right now i believe only the people who deserve it will get love, and i don't think i drew the lucky lot. and that makes me sad, because i still wish for it.

i need to become stronger.