140602, 1651hr, central time

actually about 2 hours after i wrote the last entry, he emailed. it wasn't much, just kinda teasing why i emailed him so much when he wasn't around to check his email. well, because i wanted to talk to him, that's why. because i had something to say.

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. not that i ever knew, actually.

i've stopped being touched or motivated by the little things, i've been thinking a lot, but i've been thinking about the big things, the humongous conceptual things that philosophers have no answer for. what is love? what does it do? why do humans need love? why do i need love? am i the only one who needs love? what if i cannot find it? so what if i cannot find it? how did people get it? why do some people get it but not others? what is life? what is happiness? what is sorrow? what is right? what is wrong? what is the self? what is the mind? what is the heart? is there truth?

see the "looking forward to" and the "goodness" columns up there? they were there for a reason. when i first designed this, i thought, cindy you lucky bitch, do not forget to look around you and appreciate what you have. or what you're going to have. there should always be something you can look forward to. tomorrow? the day after? next month? next year? there has to be something, because life moves on, and even if it sucks now, it will be good eventually, someday. of course, if today's good, it's not going to stay good forever, so remember to appreciate what you have today. it's not going to come back again, because everyday's going to be different.

the past days, however, i find it difficult filling up these two columns. yes, i should have something to look forward to. like tomorrow is the weekend, i should look forward to it, shouldn't i? i'm also hosting a simple dinner tomorrow for some friends tomorrow evening, that's definitely something to look forward to, isn't it? i can say i'm looking forward to my japan exchange, but at the moment besides anticipation i'm also filled with worry and fear, i don't know if i can honestly express the full extent of my feelings on that. everyday, something good happens, i'm sure since it is summer - the season of laughter sunshine and happiness. only i live my days as a zombie these days, things that happen don't quite leave a significant mark even in my short-term memory. i don't even remember if i ate dinner last night - as i sat in class today, i wondered why i was so hungry not eating breakfast when i usually don't anyway, and it seemed like a blurry piece of history. last night. last night seemed like a blurry piece of history. i'm a living nothing.

and i resent that, this is not i want for myself. it's like i'm absorbed in this little world of mine, shut away from the exterior. no, don't get me wrong, i still get out there, i still talk to other people, but it seems almost like that's just my shell talking. ooh hahah yes the sun is so warm no i don't know what happened oh really that's terrible no i'm going home for lunch because i have to save up for my japan exchange yes i'm going to japan next semester yeah it's gonna be tough but of course i will have fun yeah hahaha i quite like japanese guys no my boyfriend won't mind he doesn't really care about all that he know i'll be fine........

and then after a day of adventure for my shell, i go to bed dead tired and drained, and i get nightmares that i don't remember anymore because it's so much easier to forget.

i would say i'm still jetlagging, but to be honest, i'm not trying very hard to rid myself of it - well it's not really affecting my daily schedule, because i'm just waking up too early for class and sleeping too early to eat dinner. it's not really a big deal. i know i should try keeping awake instead of sleeping just as and when i feel like it, but it's so hard, because when your eyes are all blurry, your mind slowed down and your body tired, there's really nothing much there is to do. and you start feeling very vulnerable, lonely and miserable. honestly, i don't know why, but by 9pm these days, i get so tired it's almost like i'm drunk, i start doing insane things - like yesterday i started sorting my CDs and almost wanted to sell all of them on ebay thank god it's not that easy to type in over a hundred listings so i didn't. i also start typing a lot of laughs in my icq messages like everything's funny and indeed everything was funny to me too, except then i stop and i wonder why it's so funny and it's not funny anymore. so i stop laughing and i want to cry instead. insane. finally i give up and i go to bed, where the dreams make more sense.

anyway, not to worry, i know i'll be fine, one day. i have been happy before, haven't i? now that's something to look forward to. rasee gives me a lot of inspiration. she says, "you live and your learn. it's all good." yes, it's all good. i have so much to learn.