130502, 2309hr, central time.

i spent the whole day packing. packing some stuff to bring back to singapore, including most of my books, and some clothes. i try so hard to minimize the amount of things i accumulate, but it seems like i've failed. i don't know how, but little things just seem to add up...

opening boxes that were usually kept closed, looking at pictures and letters i usually don't look at, i was hit by a wave of sadness. i reread the letter david wrote me on the day i first left singapore, and i cried one more time. i read sweet christmas cards wallace sent me, and i felt even more upset that i won't see him for another year at least. amidst the many wonderful letters cheryl and agnes wrote to me, i found the one letter from fuling. i wonder what happened to adoree, probably too busy to write to me anymore. addy with her cute little notes, poach with her long letters. xinyi with her prim and proper messages, ming with her slightly manic messages. my birthday cards, christmas/new year cards, random letters and little cheering up cards...i even found a little note that came with a package of fortune cookies and sweets, that came from the juniors i was closest to, celebrating sweetest day.

every moment came back to me, every single moment when i first received the card or letter. through the past 3 years, my life was filled with studies, school acitivities and intermittently brightened up by all these kind words from my precious friends. i wonder though, how time flies. whoosh and suddenly some things just aren't the same anymore. at least i have some letters to hold on to, but perhaps that's not such a good thing after all, to be reminded of the good old times.

i threw away a lot of things, so i don't have that much to pack before i leave for japan in august. some old notebooks, where i had drawn ugly faces or smiley faces depending on the class. some old assignments and essays which i had painstakingly completed. i'm trying to actually give some of them away, to the younger batch of singaporeans, just so maybe they won't go to "waste".

i found my paper diaries - no i've not written in them for some time now - it seems so funny - i just realized that each one of them seems to represent a specific phase of my romantic life, i didn't plan it that way but it just happened to be so. i read through each of them oh too carefully, i suppose i should bring them home and lock them up, so i can truly lock up those beautiful yet terrible memories of the past. it seems weird, that i always think i'm ready to read them again.

a sob-by goodbye to alvin. a long hug. before i whispered a "bye bye." i suppose we will meet again in august, so it's not such a big deal after all. but actually to me, it is.

i'm leaving for chicago tomorrow, so i can leave for singapore from there on wednesday. i'm very happy to be going home, definitely. and yet, suddenly i'm sad again.