090502, 1522hr, central time.

the week passes painfully slowly...the lack of updates is intentional. i simply didn't have the time to write a coherent entry, when i have one exam everyday. of course, i had time to surf the web for news articles, to post lots of messages here - i even posted one talking about procrastination, talk about irony huh. i guess i didn't really want to post entries talking about nothing else but how many exams i have left, and how painful this whole exam thing is for me.

for your information, i still have 2 more, and yes, it is very very painful.

it is painful because i'm highly unmotivated to study anymore, and yet because i've been such a good girl the whole semester i feel obligated towards the old cindy to not screw up all her past efforts. it is a huge burden on me right now, because there's simply no one else who can be responsible for my success or my failure other than myself. sheesh.

with just 2 left to go though, i am breathing a little easier now. these days, as i study for my exams, or prepare for my takehome exam essays, i find my mind wandering. wandering to things like "should i bring this pair of shoes home?" or "oh i don't remember what ketchup omelets taste like anymore." i know it's ridiculous, but it is very difficult for me to concentrate on one thing at a time. which is probably why the rice bowl journal message boards is so attractive to me. i can talk about so many things, to so many people, at the same place! it's not to say i'm thinking straight all the time when i wrote those posts, but it doesn't really matter. it just seems very rewarding, to know that people are reading these messages, and often replying with such kindness and intelligence. we talk about food, sports, current affairs, romantic affairs, even plastic surgery there! it's a new obsession of mine, and naturally it takes my attention away from my work, and this journal.

terrible me.

in other news, however, i have already thought of a new design for this website. it tickles me to know that my astrophysics and LGBT sections aren't even really completed yet, and i'm already embarking on another design. very embarrassing, but true. perhaps over summer i can be motivated to really add more substance to those two sections, and finally get down to scanning in the rest of my pictures. but in the mean time, i'm sick of this design, it's going to be a drastic change. [still technically very idiotproof, of course, do not expect flash or anything spectecular. but yes, it will be different.]

tomorrow...tomorrow the semester shall officially end for me, suddenly i'm very scared. i realize i don't like change after all. even if it's a change from the torturous exams....at least the rhythm of studying [or lack thereof] is a constant that can guide me in my feelings. when that is gone, what shall i be feeling? should i be happy, that i am one day closer to going home? or should i be sad, that i am one day closer to leaving? perhaps i would simply be excited to finally have time for my personal pursuits. but perhaps the excitement for new adventures will be overwhelmed by the fear for new troubles.

whatever it is though, i guess i'll just have to see. time passes oh so slowly these days. it'll be such an anticlimax, if the semester ends just like that, and i in fact feel nothing at all. but i suspect it will be so. sometimes i believe there is a quota for happiness, sadness, fear, and all emotions possible. i think i might have exhausted them all through this year of events, and i think i need a break now. and be an unfeeling emotionless numb person for once. that would be a good change, wouldn't it?

we'll see.