040502, 1512hr, central time.

if my exam today turns out all screwed up, i won't be surprised. i would of course hope things turn out okay. hope hope pray pray. i was terrible, i didn't start studying for this exam till yesterday afternoon, i obviously couldn't finish. on top of that, i also took a "nap" that didn't turn out to be a "nap" after all. i screwed myself over this time, definitely.

i still have 6 exams to go.

in my desperate attempt to keep awake in the middle of the night last night, i surfed around, took a few quizzes. one of them is this:

i'm a rabbit. what kinda pet are you?
quiz made by muna.

so i took the quiz again, and i got this:

i'm a bird.

a shy adorable rabbit or a free spirited bird? of course i know i'm not supposed to take the quiz very seriously. but still, i wonder. who am i?

the rabbit sounds like the cindy in sec 1. introverted. keeps everything to herself. affectionate. simple. adorable. though i've not seen too much of the rabbit-y cindy these days, she's there alright. on the other hand, the bird sounds like the cindy i'm trying to be. a stronger personality. potential to fly. i want to believe that i can achieve great things, i want to break away from everything holding me back and truly pursue my dreams, to fulfill my potential. yet, there's still that little bit of rabbit-y heart in me. the one that meekly says, perhaps it's okay to chew on vegetables for the rest of my life, perhaps it's better to settle down in a little cage in a little corner of a little room and have someone take care of me, perhaps it's better to just be lovable. that little rabbit-y heart of mine is telling me, sometimes a cage is for my own good, that the world out there is not worth the risk, that a simple life is better.

sigh. i want to beat up that rabbit in me, but sometimes, despite myself i listen to that little meek voice, because that is after all the voice i've had half my life - the one that more importantly today makes sure i'm thankful for all i have. it's difficult striking a balance between the temptation to settle and the belief in reaching for the sky. i guess right now, i'm just really tired. of trying to break out of the cage, of believing in myself, of believing there's an end to all the struggle - a point where things will indeed fall into place, where i can finally rest. is there such a point? where am i really trying to go?

what if one day, i do break out of the cage, and then i realize i really am a rabbit after all, and that i can't fly? off i jump, and off i fall. a rabbit who wanted to fly. that's me.

i should still try though, shouldn't i?