020502, 2117hr, central time.

today marks the beginning of the torturous period also known as exams week. i have 7 exams to do this time, the record high for me. people typically have 3 or 4. sigh. i'm so dead.

i spent the whole day writing my lab report though, my last lab report for the semester, which was originally due on tuesday, but the deadline was fortunately extended for me, because i took the lab on friday instead of the usual tuesday last week and the TA was nice enough to give me more time to do it. but still, i procrastinated, and didn't start working on it till like 1pm today. so terrible. terrible me. considering how prolific i've been, practically mass producing essays this whole semester, i cannot believe i got stumped by a mere lab report. sheesh.

life goes on, i guess. thank you very much to everyone who's responded to me about yesterday's entry. i have the proper link to the news article now [thanks jun-yu!] by the way, if anyone's still interested in reading about it. apparently the two are not in a romantic relationship though - i don't know if it's actually important to clarify this point but i guess there's no harm. someone also pointed out that i shouldn't insinuate that the guy's friends should have been responsible for stopping him. if anyone's gotten that impression, let it be known as well that i didn't mean it that way ok?

i was in such a bad mood yesterday, i actually broke down in tears in the shower. it's been a long time since i cried in the shower - it stands for the depressing phases of my life that i don't want to revisit. but last night, i guess something snapped, and i didn't want to hold back anymore.

it's difficult to explain what's wrong, it's not even simply attributable to homesickness, because frankly i'm very excited to be going home, and knowing i'll be home in 2 weeks time gives me a lot of comfort these days. so i would think it's to do with other things. other things i'm bothered about, and yet also bothered to know that i'm bothered by things i know i shouldn't be bothered about. it's all very confusing, and i'm tired of being a rational person, constantly compartmentalizing all my concerns by priority. constantly justifying my reactions, constantly checking myself to make sure i'm doing the right thing. i actually don't want to care anymore.

yesterday was lynn's birthday, so we went out for a drink. i got drunk pretty quickly and easily, which was pretty surprising - i consider myself pretty ok in holding my own in drinking. but i guess i was already drowned in my own sense of sadness and weakness. maybe i wasn't really drunk, but it feels so much better to just be [or pretend to be], to not have to accountable to displays of emotion, extreme words, or unreasonable demands.

at the end though, my eyes were hurting from the smoke, i had a strong craving for lying down, so after supper we quickly went home. where i quickly knocked out. and this morning, when i woke up, did i feel any differently? actually no. i still feel overwhelmed by a sense of futility, i still feel sad. nothing's actually changed. but i don't want to go drinking again - it doesn't help anyway. i don't want to cry in the shower again - it only makes me feel more sorry. what can i do?

i move on. and i finish my freaking lab report. and i hope and pray that tomorrow will be better.