010502, 1631hr, central time.

did you hear? about the singaporean girl who died in a car accident in michigan? and her singaporean boyfriend who survived the accident and went home to indiana to kill himself for not stopping in time at the traffic light? i would link to the story, but there's no url to link to as yet. it's on STOnline, under breaking news. be quick, you'll find it there. under world news, actually. if you can't find it, email me and i can forward you the story.

very sad.

in so many ways, i feel like i know these people, though actually i don't. they just seems like people i would know. it didn't have to be michigan, it could have been illinois. the girl was moving out of her dorm, and the boyfriend was helping her move. ah, i remember the day when i moved out of my dorm, i remember stuffing all my things into a car, and getting my friends to help me [no boyfriend then ok] move. it's just such an ordinary thing to do, as a student, a singaporean student, in an overseas university. she was 19. yes, of course, it's the end of the freshman year, isn't it? it's time to move out, to an apartment. i can just imagine, i did the very same thing 2 years ago. it could have been me. it could have been someone i know.

the suicide of her boyfriend simply added another tragic dimension to this. why? though i generally don't think suicides really solve any problems, i can imagine why he did it. the grieve, the guilt, the sense of loss, and mostly the pain. but still, why? it's the end of the semester, surely, was he going back to singapore? or maybe he was planning to spend summer in michigan? he left so quickly - the accident happened on thursday, he was treated for minor injuries, went back to indiana, and then committed suicide in his own apartment almost immediately - his body was found on friday. i don't mean to put the blame on anyone, but why was he alone? does he live alone? why wasn't anyone around to stop him? sigh. it's too late to say anything, of course. no matter what, it's two lives wasted.

i don't handle death very well. especially when it's people of my age group, my kind of background, it just seems more unnerving that bad things happen to near strangers, or perhaps even acquaintances. i remember the time when a rgs school prefect died in a car accident - i locked myself up in the bathroom, and i cried so hard, my mom had to beg me to open the door, and she panicked - thought she was a good friend of mine. in truth, that girl didn't even know me, she was the prefect in charge of the class next door, i saw her everyday, but we never even spoke a word to each other. but i remember, to this day i remember how i felt when i found out that she's passed away. just like the way i felt this morning.

intense sadness. sadness to realize the fraility of life, the randomness of death. i also feel the burden that lies on the shoulders of those of us alive, to remember that. lost, not knowing how i should go on with my everyday life, this relevation brought to the foreground. how can i go on talking about sensei, or my rollerblades? my 7 exams? my summer plans? knowing fully well, that somewhere out there, two funerals are to be planned. two young lives to be mourned. and two empty spaces left in this world that used to be theirs. it seems wrong, if my life doesn't change a little. yet, i don't understand how i should change. it's confusing, and mildly frustrating.

my mom scolded me a silly girl, when she finally found out, through all my sobbing, that i didn't actually know the girl who died. but i'm really not that silly, am i? i felt like i knew her, simply as a fellow student, singaporean, girl, human being. of course, every day many young lives are lost, somewhere, everywhere. but. it takes one close one to shake me up, and i am indeed a little shaken right now. i don't resort to crying in the bathroom anymore, but it doesn't mean i don't feel as sad. maybe i'm silly, but i don't think it's wrong to mourn the death of someone i don't know. because maybe i would have. if only.