s . l . s . b . --- today

220402, 1540hr, central time.

i lied. i said i was back, but then i ran away from this journal again. very stressed up right now, from work, and from all kinds of things hanging over my head, that i don't have time to deal with, because of my work. but then because all these things are bothering me, i can't quite work efficiently either. i'm a complete loser, i say.

a lot of things on my mind, yet i lack the words to express myself.

as amazing as it sounds, i feel so lonely right now. i'm not lacking in kind friends willing to listen to my troubles, of which of course i'm so grateful. yet, without the words, without something at least somewhat tangible to express what i'm feeling, it's going to take a long time to get my point across, and frankly i have no time for that right now.

let's talk about irrelevant happy things now then! terence once told me, that i'm too pessimistic, that i do not appreciate what i have (i was complaining about not having time to relax, drink some coffee just for the sake of it, and no time to go shopping. and he retorted that plenty of starving children in the world have never had the opportunity to shop and sip coffee leisurely.) i was angry with him for a while for making such an unfair judgment on me, based on our very shallow friendship. i've never thought of myself as being ungrateful, or discontented, but then i guess maybe he is right, maybe i do come across as being insensitive and whiny. oh well. is that everyone's impression about me? definitely need to be changed, because i *know* i'm not actually like that.

so yes, i sound all whiny now, but deep deep down inside, i'm really a happy person. i know i am.

alrighty then. happy thoughts:

going home is sweet.
going to japan will be my next adventure.
despite everything, i still have alvin for now.
the flowers are blooming.
i won a pineapple during the hawaiian luau i went on to saturday. [ok, that's a funny one.]

ok, i'm terrible with squeezing out happy thoughts. i wish they'd come more naturally to me. i wish i don't have to force myself to think of people worse off than me, to actually feel happy, cos i think that's a very twisted way to guage one's own life, isn't it? i wish i am in the spontaneous-jump-in-joy kind of mood. or the smile-while-walking kind of mood.

but hey, no complaints. at least i'm not in the cry-in-my-sleep kind of mood. or the life-sucks kind of mood. so at least i'm not all that sad, and even if i really ought to be. so now, that's another happy thought: i don't actually have the energy or time to feel sad, because i'm too busy feeling stressed up.

now, how's that for twisted?

i'll be back on wednesday, when i shall hopefully be more normal.

s . l . s . b .
[ stuff . . . ] feeling: streessssed up food: BBQ chicken wrap CD: Mozart something - the only kind of music i can do my work to these days show: The Sixpenny Opera - surprisingly good! reading: Economic policies, patterson looking forward: end of finals. goodness: poachie dearie called me up on saturday night! very nice to talk to her, unload all my worried, all my complaints, and all my whinings. i realize i have all these pent up frustrations i didn't have time to deal with, and when she called, it was like the floodgates opened. no, i didn't cry talking to her, i wasn't a freak. but after i put the phone down, i did, just out of sheer fatigue. sensei watch: that day i saw sensei on a bike to class...aww, he's so cute! i also realize he's really quite a small guy, especially out of the classroom context. hmm.
[ say . . . ] 220402, 1540hr, central time. i lied. i said i was back, but then i ran away from this journal again. very stressed up right now, from work, and from all kinds of things hanging over my head, that i don't have time to deal with, because of my work. but then because all these things are bothering me, i can't quite work efficiently either. i'm a complete loser, i say. a lot of things on my mind, yet i lack the words to express myself. as amazing as it sounds, i feel so lonely right now. i'm not lacking in kind friends willing to listen to my troubles, of which of course i'm so grateful. yet, without the words, without something at least somewhat tangible to express what i'm feeling, it's going to take a long time to get my point across, and frankly i have no time for that right now. let's talk about irrelevant happy things now then! terence once told me, that i'm too pessimistic, that i do not appreciate what i have (i was complaining about not having time to relax, drink some coffee just for the sake of it, and no time to go shopping. and he retorted that plenty of starving children in the world have never had the opportunity to shop and sip coffee leisurely.) i was angry with him for a while for making such an unfair judgment on me, based on our very shallow friendship. i've never thought of myself as being ungrateful, or discontented, but then i guess maybe he is right, maybe i do come across as being insensitive and whiny. oh well. is that everyone's impression about me? definitely need to be changed, because i know i'm not actually like that. so yes, i sound all whiny now, but deep deep down inside, i'm really a happy person. i know i am. alrighty then. happy thoughts: going home is sweet. going to japan will be my next adventure. despite everything, i still have alvin for now. the flowers are blooming. i won a pineapple during the hawaiian luau i went on to saturday. [ok, that's a funny one.] ok, i'm terrible with squeezing out happy thoughts. i wish they'd come more naturally to me. i wish i don't have to force myself to think of people worse off than me, to actually feel happy, cos i think that's a very twisted way to guage one's own life, isn't it? i wish i am in the spontaneous-jump-in-joy kind of mood. or the smile-while-walking kind of mood. but hey, no complaints. at least i'm not in the cry-in-my-sleep kind of mood. or the life-sucks kind of mood. so at least i'm not all that sad, and even if i really ought to be. so now, that's another happy thought: i don't actually have the energy or time to feel sad, because i'm too busy feeling stressed up. now, how's that for twisted? i'll be back on wednesday, when i shall hopefully be more normal.
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