050402, 1320hr, central time.

i finally called home yesterday! yes, i've not called home in at least 2 months, i think. sheesh. for some reason, i just couldn't wake up in time to call, and the couple of times when i did try, the phone connection was so bad there was no point trying to talk through it anyway, so we hung up.

but anyway, i told dad first my plans for summer and fall, and he was just glad that i'm coming home, though it's only for 3 weeks or so. mom tried to ask me about alvin again, like how steady we are, and whether he is coming back to singapore in summer. she seems quite curious about this one guy i finally decided to declare to my family, and i guess i can understand why she feels this way. after all, my mom always kinda knew about the other guys i was with, but could never get me to admit to those relationships, much to her amusement and frustration i think. haha. so this time, my honesty in telling her all about alvin probably made her feel very curious about what's so special about him. heh.

come to think of it, is it such a good thing to build up her anticipation? hmmmmmmm.

actually, i don't think alvin will be in singapore in that 3 weeks when i will be, so i don't think my family will get to meet him after all. oh well. not like that's really all that important, since the bigger test of the relationship will come when i go to japan, and he goes elsewhere for his grad school. if we can pass that test, we'll be in a better position to have him introduced to my family.

and of course, if we fail and it turns out that he is not the one after all, then what's the point of my family meeting him anyway?

the past few days, i've been getting all excited about my own plans for the next 6 months, i was getting all warmed up to the idea that my dream of studying in japan will come true after all. yesterday, alvin got a scare from uiuc, which basically told him that his application to grad school here is rejected, when actually he did recieve provisional admission to uiuc and uiuc is in fact his backup plan to if he doesn't get into stanford. and then he got really worried. and then i got really worried. and then i realized that i really want him to stay in uiuc, though i rationally know it is better for him to move on to stanford if he can. and then i remembered that i'm going to japan for a semester anyway, so no matter which grad school he goes to, we definitely have to go through some long distance thing anyway. damn it, i went to bed very sad and extremely pessimistic.

sigh. i wish my insecurities and paranoia would go away, i wish i can look at the other couples whose long distance relationships blossomed, and be able to tell myself i can do it too. call me scaredy cat, chicken-hearted, whatever it is. i don't think i can. this is one part of my life, when i simply do not have that extra confidence, in myself and my capacity to love, from a different timezone and country.

you know, when i started planning for my japan trip thing, i wasn't together with alvin yet. sigh. things never happen the way i thought they would.