140402, 1644hr, central time.

howdy. i'm fine, how are you?

strange, to take a whole week off journalling. for no apparent reason. actually of course there're reasons, but somehow things just got too complicated to be explained here, and i couldn't get back to the swing of things past the 4-day mark. but now i'm back.

firstly to thank the guy who motivated me back here - mario. he wrote me the most wonderful email a couple of days back, when he told me how reading my journal inspired him to once again pursue his goals in school and in life, to pick himself up again. it's strangely ironic that his email came at this time of my life - a time when i'm highly unmotivated myself, a time when i feel like giving up altogether. a time when i feel useless and helpless. wham bham, his email comes. if i were more religious, i would even say it's a miracle.

secondly, to make a list of what's happened to me the past week - maybe i'll write in greater detail if i feel like it, some other time.

• took a couple of exams, unprepared but strangely nonchalant about it.
• participated in nationwide GBLT campaign - day of silence.
• fell sick, maybe more sick in the mind than actual physical ailment, anyhow, sick.
• received tonnes of information about my now-99%-confirmed japan exchange program, very overwhelmed.
• found out that alvin's gotten into stanford - first ecstatically happy and grateful then dramatically depressed and upset.

of course, there's the looming gis deadline hanging over my head as well, creating too much stress in my head, to effectively complete the assignments i know i am capable of completing. as lynn says, i should stop whining about the assignments, and just do it.

despite sleeping a lot, talking a lot, and generally trying all the usual morale boosting things like eating, sitting in the sun, talking to myself and so on, i'm generally not feeling too well right now. in very general terms, i spent the week questioning myself, my relationship with alvin, my motivations and goals, and the conclusion to these evaluations is not optimistic. i don't know if it's just a viscious cycle - maybe i came to all these sad conclusions because i started out upset, and then i get even more upset because of these conclusions, and then i think more, i get more depressed, think more, more depressed...and on and on and on. i should stop thinking now, and just get down to doing my assignments for gis.

i should also get back to writing here. just so people know i didn't just drop dead somewhere. so i can stop keeping all those things in my head. maybe if i could clear all the depressing thoughts, i would stop having a perpetual headache. maybe if i could write them all down, i would see how ridiculous i really am.

yeah, so i'm back. and i'll keep writing. and hopefully, i'll cheer up soon too. the sour face is back. and i'm trying to get rid of it.