270302, 1702hr, central time.

what do you do when someone confides her sadness to you and there's nothing you can do?

sometimes i think i'm the best friend ever [as in objectively judging requisite qualities of a good friend, if such a thing can ever be objectively judged, that is.] i mean, i'm usually quite reliable, i'm sincere in offering my advice, i truly feel for all my friends, and most importantly i'm always grateful for my friendships. sometimes though, i feel like i'm the most inadequate friend ever. when i forget birthdays, when i am too lazy to call or email, and mostly when they're upset and there's nothing i can say or do to cheer them up.

what can you say, when all the words in your mind are cliche and cannot possibly even begin to address your friend's sorrow?

i don't think i offer especially original or good advice, what i know my friends probably already know. we all know what we need to do, it's a matter of whether you can make yourself make that kind of change. how easy is it to say, "man, you need to move on." how easy is it to actually do it? i am not exactly the best role model about moving on either, god knows how much effort it took for me to move on from ws, from shaun, from edwin. god knows how many times i've been so extremely disappointed with myself for relapsing into dark depressing moments. but i try and i try, and i guess i made it now, i'm actually happy now and i don't cry at night anymore. but i know it wasn't easy, and nothing i say now is going to make it easy for my friends. and i hate telling them to just do it, because we all know we can't just do it.

i have wonderful wonderful friends who have successfully cheered me up before, even momentarily, they're great. but it seems like when they are the ones who need some cheering up, i can't do it. i can talk like i usually do, and try to make them laugh, but i can't, because i let myself feel what they're feeling and it just seems like laughing would be such a wrong thing to do. i can make light of the situation, which would be even worse, because that just makes it seem like i don't care. but that's precisely the problem, i do care, and the way i am, if there is a problem i want to know the solution and i think it's better to work towards the solution than to moan and groan about it. sometimes, i already know the solution too. but i can't say it. because it's like putting antiseptic lotion on someone's nasty cut. yes, it's necessary, but i don't want to be the one to do it, because i'm intimidated by the sting, i won't be able to clean the wound as well as i should. that's another bad thing about me, i'm a wuss when it comes to treating someone harshly, even if he/she really needs it.

this is one of the entries where i can't specify who i'm talking about, because this is after all a private matter. and it's not even my private matter. but it troubles me enough, to make me think hard at how i can help, and how i really cannot help. it's so egocentric of me, isn't it? to make my friends' problems mine, and speak like their pain is mine. of course not, especially since i frankly have never faced the same situation they now face. i lay no claim that i feel even half of what they are feeling. but i'm still troubled.

or maybe i shouldn't be. since i cannot really help them, i shouldn't try to do what i cannot do. maybe i should really just shut up and listen. maybe what they really want is for me to listen. and to hold them back before they jump off the building. maybe this is a process that they have to get through on their own.

reminds me of this long distance race i once ran, in secondary school. i got cheated by my track captain into signing up for a 3km race, which i have absolutely no experience in running, and absolutely zero chance in winning. but i went for it anyway, because i was stupid. everyone in this race was a school representative, a couple maybe even national reps, i don't remember. i remember running the final lap alone, because everyone else has already finished the race way before me. i was running painfully slowly because quite frankly i've almost exhausted all my energy just trying to keep up with the rest before that. by the end i was so slow, it would probably have been faster if i walked instead. but it would have been a complete disgrace to give up like that, so i kept on "running." the finish line was impossibly far away. most the other teams have already left the track [i think it was the rj track] since their athletes have finished. but my team was still there, and my teammates were cheering me on. even people i didn't know, even some people from other teams, they were cheering for me to finish the race. the atmosphere was crazy, a big group of people cheering my name, loud and clear, over and over again. [li told me years later that she remembers cheering for me that day, though she didn't know that was me. haha. yes, everyone remembers that girl who ran 3km at about 10cm/sec. haha.] so anyway i finished the race, and i was very embarrassed that i so overestimated myself in joining that race. but at the very least, i finished. though i'm not proud of my speed, at the very least i did not give up, and i'm glad my teammates were there to cheer me on.

the point of this long story, is that maybe i should just be there by your side, cheering you on, but i can't help you get there, wish as i might, because this is not my race. it's painful, it'll take a long time, and you'll feel like giving up. but ultimately, you know where you need to go, the finish line will come, and at the end of it you will feel proud of yourself, that you did it.

but in the mean time, hang on, my dear. cheer up. you can do it.