310302, 1502hr, central time.

i jinx myself all the time, i say. i hate hate hate the las office.

three days ago, i finally received the appeal letter. i got it! i was approved! omigod, i was literally grinning the whole day, i couldn't believe my luck. i went around telling everybody, and i was practically skipping wherever i go. i couldn't believe it, because the las office people successfully intimidated me into believing that the success rate of such appeals is so low, my appeal is practically a shot in the dark. or maybe it is indeed very low, but i'm just such an excellent student that they decided to give me some leeway. whatever it is, i don't really want to know why they decided to approve, i was just very excited that i'm back on course again, in fulfilling my dream to go to japan.

on thursday, shaun asked if i'm therefore confirmed going. i grinned, and i said, "can't say confirm, but probably." i didn't want to say for sure that i would be going. after all, two months before that, i was so sure that i was, and then bham i got thrown off path. this time, i shall not be too sure of myself, only to set myself up for more disappointment. i said to myself, till i set foot on japanese soil, and truly breath the japanese air, who knows what may happen.

alas, i really jinxed myself.

see, because the las office took such a long time to process my appeal, the application deadline for the study abroad office has already passed. i thought the deadline was 1 may, but it turns out that's another deadline. the deadline for the office on this campus is 1 march. even if i hand in my application tomorrow [which i can, since i have all the forms ready anyway] i will still be 1 month late. shit shit shit shit shit shit. i am extremely upset, i sent an email to the study abroad office, begging them to accept my application. i really hope they will. but still, i'm very upset.

why is it so difficult for me to go there? why is everything against me? for once, i'm being organized and independent, running practically around the campus to get approval for every single thing, way before the deadline. and somehow, i still end up being one whole month late. shit. somehow, i still have to depend on another office's mercy in accepting my late application, to actually really get to go. shit.

i was thinking i can finally email my scholarship officer today, to confirm my exchange plans with her, to happily tell her my application is going well, to remind her to update my school and semester info on her database, and to ask if i would be getting my usual allowance during my exchange. i was thinking i could finally tell my family what exactly i'll be doing this summer, perhaps i will fly home for a month after all, before i come back to campus again for summer school. i was thinking of what classes to register for summer school, i was checking the credits i already have, to make sure i will have enough credit to graduate next year. i was thinking what japanese classes i should continue doing when i come back from japan. i was thinking i could finally make plans for the future.

but no no no, bham i hit a wall again. i should have seen this wall, i should have checked, and known that the deadline was over. if i had known that, i could either have asked the study abroad office in advance to extend the deadline for me, rather than beg them now. or, if i were pessimistic enough, i could also have withdrawn my appeal from the las office, and just given up altogether. see, but i didn't realize time flew by just like that. the appeal was supposed to take only 2 weeks. i was supposed to still be in time for all the deadlines. but alas, i'm late.

i feel very demoralized.

3 days ago, i felt like i was at the top of the world. i had beaten the rule! i can go now! the euphoria was amazing, i never thought i could be more excited. now, i feel like crap. sigh. god, i'm so tired of this emotional roller coaster. fuck it. if i can't go, so be it. if this is a sign that i'm just destined to stay on this campus for the rest of my undergrad years, so be it. if it's just not meant to be, so be it. so be it. so be it. i don't care anymore.

i'm extremely tired of this whole thing, i don't want to beg anyone anymore. i can't take it anymore. i'm fucking fucking tired.