250302, 1740hr, central time.

i was talking to terence today, after class, basically about the first half of my springbreak was great, but the second half sucked big time. at the end of it, he said, "you know, you should try to be more positive. like me, i am cynical, but i'm still positive. it's different, to say 'i feel tired' and 'i am tired', because they mean two completely different things. it's the subtle things like that." hmm. maybe i should try.

i feel tired. i am tired. i feel tired. i am tired. i feel tired.

it kinda feels the same to me, but it might just be that i'm grammatically insensitive. haha. if there's such a description. oh well, but i get his point. his point is basically that i should stop whining, and not blow all negative emotions out of proportion. of course terence doesn't know that i have an online journal where everything gets blown out of proportion anyway, he doesn't know that what i say to him is already far less dramatic than what i say here.

the truth is, i do feel miserable. i feel miserable for a variety of reasons: firstly because i spend a lot of time doing assignments i do not find challenging in doing, but because of the sheer number of assignments i have to do, it becomes a tiring and monotonous "challenge" - the challenge lies in continually motivating myself to do that something i don't enjoy.

secondly, i am sick, but not sick enough to actually call it quits and just rest. it's one of those times, when you are too sick to be completely yourself, but not sick enough to actually be able to attribute all that's wrong to the sickness. when you are too sick to be up and running as efficiently as you want, but not sick enough to be resting in bed and not feel like a lazy bum. it's just the irritating kind of sick. irritating.

thirdly, as always, i'm still thinking about my japan plans. hanging in the air. god, i am by nature a pretty patient person, but this wait is driving me crazy. i got another scare that day, when another letter came from the college. again, i thought it was the o-holy appeal decision. turns out it's just that i got onto the dean's list. wow. the dean's list. yeah. like i care. give me the freaking appeal results!

lastly, i miss home. i think this is something that hits me especially hard when things aren't going well in other areas of my life. times when i wish my family is around to shield me from everything else. so my mom still cooks my meals, my dad still gives me money, and i can act like a 10-year-old, instead of a 22-year-old. it's not that my problems will automatically go away, when my family is around. but somehow at least they make me feel safe, secure. they're the anchors in my life, so i don't have to keep worrying i'll get lost. i know it's irrational, but i just want them by my side. now now now now now. sigh.

and then of course, being homesick kinda relates to my japan exchange appeal thing. now i don't want to go anymore. i'm pretty settled down in illinois right now, i have alvin and all my friends with me, and yet i still get hit by this homesickness thing all the time. i can still remember my miserable freshman year, crying in the middle of the night in my lonely dorm room. god, do i want to go through the whole re-adjustment process again to go to japan? two months ago, i would have said yes of course. now, i don't know. besides, i really want to go home. the earliest time i can go back is this summer. if i do go to japan for exchange, i won't even be back for summer. do i want to do that to myself?

so the rational get-out-there-while-you-can me says japan would be good for me, but the emotional why-make-me-cry me says i shouldn't bother. i don't even know why i'm thinking about this, especially since the ball is not in my court. i can't make the decision for myself anymore, have to wait for the decision from the college. gotta wait for some office-occupying, cake-eating, bullshit-talking deans who don't even know me, to decide it for me. sigh.

will pull myself out of this depressing pessimistic rut, i will. hopefully soon though. even i don't like me when i'm all sad and sour-faced like this. bleah.