100302, 2101hr, central time.

i simply have too much work to do these days. guess what, another darn electronic circuits homework, and the exam falls on this coming friday. i still have tonnes of gis assignments to do, i cannot afford to concentrate my efforts on anything, since everything's really equally important. yes, i'm absolutely going crazy. it might be my hormones talking, i'm hoping it is. y'know, so at least it's not a permanent feeling of inadequacy and stupidity. yeah.

but anyhow, in my moments of distraction from my work, which was often enough, i was thinking about the question of "what would you do with one million dollars?"

maybe i should go with the conventional answer and say, "i'll give some of it to [insert name of pet charity], some to my parents, and save the rest for my future." hmmm. but no, i don't want to. i want to do more than just give money to any charity. my pet cause is of course HIV/AIDS research and public education. these are areas that of course need funds. but a million dollars isn't going to do much. now that i've seen enough of the world, i kinda know that one million dollars is a lot of money in some cases, but not in others. i don't want to just throw the money in, i want to throw myself in. i don't want to just give my parents money, i want to give them more than that, i want them to the proud-est they can be of me. i don't want to just save up for my future, i want to create a new future!

i don't mean to say i'll break my bond though. well, a million dollars is enough to buy my bond now, but i don't think i will. i do have certain aspirations in the civil service, i want to make a difference to singapore, and though everyone tells me how difficult it is, i still want to give it a shot. i still want to try and see if there's anything i can do, see how the government really works, from the inside. 6 years seem like a long time, but it's ok. since i made the commitment from the start, i should probably stick by it.

yet, on the other hand, i'm selfish too, i have a thirst for knowledge that's just crazy. i wish i can stay in school forever. like right now, i appreciate all my engineering work, though i'm obviously struggling with it. i love my political science stuff. so ok, i'm at least actively pursuing these two. yet, i also love languages. i wish i can do more studies in japanese - not just the language, but literature, social order, stuff like that. the japanese culture is very thought-inspiring. i would probably love to pick up french again, simply for completion. i don't love french as much as i do japanese, but it's still something that i don't want to give up, if i have a choice. what about my childhood interest in chinese culture? i almost wanted to study chinese literature in jc. i wanted to write, i always felt this itch in me, that i should share my thoughts in my native language. of course, my chinese abilities have deteriorated over these years, but i still want to pick it up. it'll be such a waste to pack up all my love for my culture just like that.

the only reason i didn't study chinese literature in jc was that i also wanted to study biology, and biology won over. i studied biology because i wanted to become a doctor. biology turned out to be rather difficult for me, mostly because i was too lazy to really study. now that i think about it though, i wasted my chance, to pursue my dream. i used to think i wanted to study medicine, purely to satisfy my mom's wishes. i thought i was pushed into it by my mom, and i guess i kinda resented that, and didn't take it as seriously as i should have. i still want to be a doctor, i've even thought about it, in a semi-conscious way, i want to specialize in either HIV/AIDS work or oncology. i'm not grossed out by blood and disease, so this would be to my advantage. i might feel too much when my patients die, so that might be a problem - see, i'm already thinking too far ahead of myself. i even thought about maybe going to med school after i finish my bond. ie when i'm about 30 years old. i'll be too damn old to learn quickly, i'll probably need a whole lot more commitment and time. med school will probably take longer for me than the youngsters. i'll need some way to support myself, because i obviously do not want to depend on anyone else, in pursuing this personal dream of mine. i'll probably not get married, because it wouldn't be fair to my husband or kids.

i'm ok with the not getting married part, if medicine is truly my calling. the only problem now then is the money. which is where the 1 million dollars come in. of course, 1 million is simply not enough to support me all the way through, but hey, i have about 8 years till i'm 30 anyway. i have 8 years to come up with money to go back to school. i'll have to do investments with my million dollars, i'll have to make it grow, i'll have to scrimp and save all the time.

so see, even if i get a million dollars, i'll still have to live frugally, because with that money, i want to do so much more. i want to go to med school, where i will at the same time continue studying languages. i'll be a triple majoring student - in japanese studies, chinese writing, medicine. maybe a little side dabbling with french. hahahahaha...yes, i'm absolutely crazy and ambitious. what are the chances of all these happening? very very very slim. because first of all, i do not have a million dollars. aha. secondly, despite what i say, i want to do all these things, but can i physically and mentally take it? i still painfully remember the lesson i learnt about pushing myself over the limit. there's a chinese saying - the heart is willing but the strength is lacking. lastly, i'll probably end up getting married anyway, it simply takes too much to go against my parents' wishes in this; and despite all my feminist intentions, i have this sentimental side of me that still [secretly shhh] wants to fall in love and marry and bear children, all that kind of stuff. sadly, i am simply not resourceful and strong enough to completely go against all convention.

or maybe i can marry some billionaire man, who can easily supply me the money. and who's equally crazy and will go to school with me. that would be perfect. hahahaha.

but yes, i know it's just a dream. as it turns out, my dream is too big for a mere million dollars.