180202, 1710hr, central time.

it's a brand new week, i should feel all brand new again. have to discard old emotional baggage from last week - i have 2 midterms this week! cannot sit around moping and whining anymore. bleah.

i called home this morning, and to my surprise my kor picked up the phone. i almost forgot that he's already gone back to singapore. i wish i talked to him a little longer, but i was kinda tight for time, because i only had half an hour before i had to leave for class. so we talked only briefly - mostly about how i was kept in the dark about his new girlfiend, and how alvin must be blind to be with me. yeah, that's my kor. i miss him.

anyhow, i talked to my parents, and told them what happened with my japan exchange. my mom's actually glad i'm not going, because i told her if i don't go to japan, i would probably not do summer school, and go home instead for my summer hols. she seems really happy about that. my dad isn't so happy, when i told him that if he wants me back, he's going to have to pay for my SQ air tickets. hahaha. i'm just kidding of course - SQ costs like $2k these days, no way i'm gonna pay that kind of money. i'm very cheap, i'll just take NW.

talking to them though, put a lot of things into perspective. i don't *have to* learn japanese - it's not really all that essential to my complete well being. i don't *have to* go to japan to study japanese too. yes, it would be a great experience, once of a lifetime, and it'll be so beneficial to my learning, to be completely immersed in the culture, blah blah blah. yes, these are the wonderful things that i was hoping for. poof, now i can't anymore, but life goes on, and i won't lose a limb for that. i guess like my dad says, "it's just some extra things. don't have also won't die." yeah, i won't die, of course.

i feel quite bad about neglecting my family and friends, in my pursuit of these selfish gains. yes, i like japanese, so i shall go to japan. so what if i'm basically throwing an ocean between alvin and i? so what if shaun, david and tk will have to live with a complete stranger for that semester i'm gone? so what if my kor will possibly feel even more threatened by me? so what if it means that my mom won't see me for another year at least. i didn't care, i just really wanted to go. now that i can't go anymore, i'm thinking maybe it's some kind of retribution. i have to hold myself back, because if i just do whatever i want, i'm going to hurt some people. some people i really care about.

sigh, yes, i've come round to the idea now. i realise of the people around me, i'm the only one who's not relieved that i'll be staying after all. i'm the only one who really wanted this exchange program, everyone else kinda had to sacrifice a little to let my dream come true. maybe it's for the better then, that this time cindy loses.

it's a question of individualism, i think. eversince i came here, i know one thing that's changed about me is that i've become a lot more individualistic. it's part of my indepedence, maybe, i don't know. but i learnt, or i'm at least still learning, that if i want something, i have to go get it myself. my identity of course is still strongly linked to my heritage, my friends and my family, my entire social network. but isn't it strange, that i also don't feel so bad anymore, when i do better than others, when people compliment me, or when i excel and stick out like a sore thumb. [which happened to be the case last semester in my international relations class - i was quite clearly doing much better than any of my classmates.] i don't feel bad anymore! it's a long way from the times in singapore, when i used to be embarrassed when i do too well - significantly better than everyone else. i didn't think too highly of myself, and i didn't like appearing too smart. yes, imagine that.

but now, for some reason, it is so much easier to come to terms to who i really am, and what i really want. i find myself pulling away from the whole social network thingy, to concentrate on establishing and strengthening my own personality and identity. right now, being in college, i just feel that i should maximise my education here, i should try as many things as possible, learn as much as i can. i love japanese, alright, let's throw myself completely into it, let's go to japan! i didn't really consult my parents about it, i basically just told them my decision. i didn't want alvin's input on it, because i know he doesn't think much about my whole japanese craze thing. so what, i wanted it, i thought it would be good for me, so i went for it.

and then i tripped and fell.

as i looked up, i saw concerned faces of course, but also relieved faces. i guess i must have been really obtuse, to not see their concerns before. or maybe i did, i just disregarded them.

sigh.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, though this time i won't get what i want, it might really turn out to be a blessing in disguise - to slow myself down. have a chance to take a closer look around me, and at least see where i'm really going. and who i've taken for granted. yeah, it's retribution.