s . l . s . b . --- today

190202, 2010hr, central time.

sometimes, really. the times when you have the most important things to do, that's when your mind starts to wander. and wander. and wander. to things you really shouldn't be thinking about.

i have another 6-page midterm paper due tomorrow, for my international security class. i've done about 1 page, so yippee yeah, i'm about 16.7% to the end. but now i'm stuck, and i don't know what to do, because what i'd really rather be doing now is grab a nice easy book, head out to the cafe, and read the rest of the night away. or, watch a VCD on my computer. i'm really just not in a working mood. sigh.

i'm still waiting for the appeal results to come. it's like i'm floating in the middle of nowhere until it comes. of course, by probability, i know the results of the appeal, but i still rather have it all in writing, so i can give the idea altogether. we have a chinese phase for that - to let one's heart die - i just want my heart to die. sigh.

i have so much on my mind, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm thinking about the semiformal this saturday, wondering if it's perhaps the wrong decision to agree to go as mike's date. it wasn't even supposed to be so complicated, till mike hummed and hawed about whether alvin would mind, until anne wondered aloud [while i was in the office] whether i'm "seeing" mike, until lynn asked why i'm having dinner with him before the semiformal. i don't know, is it really so suggestive?

thinking about alvin. a lot. about where i stand in his life. about whether i'm in his way. whether i'm actually significant enough to be in the way if i had wanted to be. he really wants to go places, i'm wondering whether this is the right time for us.

thinking about my friends. i found some old pictures on my computer, pictures that poach sent me over the past years, i guess. some pictures brought a smile to my face, some made me a little sad. i wonder if all my friends have received my chinese new year cards. i wonder if they know i love them.

also thinking about what i should do now. without the japanese exchange to look forward to, what do i have then? at the end of this semester, alvin's going to leave, most of my friends here are leaving, i have no summer plans yet, in fact i have no plans for anything. what do i have in the future?

it's all so confusing, i'm really just not thinking about the concept of security, the Cold War, realism and liberalism, Kenneth Waltz or whatever. i'm thinking i'm so lost.

s . l . s . b .
[ stuff . . . ] feeling: full - i just had dinner food: coffee and pecan cake i baked CD: alex to's i believe show: barbershoppers reading: Newsweek - catching up on older editions i've not read surfin': i wish i can win 2 jaguars - oh, but wait. i didn't even get a single valentine this year. haha. [link courtesy of electrin.] looking forward: TBP semi-formal this weekend goodness: received finally all the items i bought on ebay. sensei watch: we had our japanese midterm today. ah, didn't go all too well. but hey, it was nice seeing sensei again. i didn't go to the study group last night - better to keep a distance. haha.
[ say . . . ] 190202, 2010hr, central time. sometimes, really. the times when you have the most important things to do, that's when your mind starts to wander. and wander. and wander. to things you really shouldn't be thinking about. i have another 6-page midterm paper due tomorrow, for my international security class. i've done about 1 page, so yippee yeah, i'm about 16.7% to the end. but now i'm stuck, and i don't know what to do, because what i'd really rather be doing now is grab a nice easy book, head out to the cafe, and read the rest of the night away. or, watch a VCD on my computer. i'm really just not in a working mood. sigh. i'm still waiting for the appeal results to come. it's like i'm floating in the middle of nowhere until it comes. of course, by probability, i know the results of the appeal, but i still rather have it all in writing, so i can give the idea altogether. we have a chinese phase for that - to let one's heart die - i just want my heart to die. sigh. i have so much on my mind, i don't know what to do anymore. i'm thinking about the semiformal this saturday, wondering if it's perhaps the wrong decision to agree to go as mike's date. it wasn't even supposed to be so complicated, till mike hummed and hawed about whether alvin would mind, until anne wondered aloud [while i was in the office] whether i'm "seeing" mike, until lynn asked why i'm having dinner with him before the semiformal. i don't know, is it really so suggestive? thinking about alvin. a lot. about where i stand in his life. about whether i'm in his way. whether i'm actually significant enough to be in the way if i had wanted to be. he really wants to go places, i'm wondering whether this is the right time for us. thinking about my friends. i found some old pictures on my computer, pictures that poach sent me over the past years, i guess. some pictures brought a smile to my face, some made me a little sad. i wonder if all my friends have received my chinese new year cards. i wonder if they know i love them. also thinking about what i should do now. without the japanese exchange to look forward to, what do i have then? at the end of this semester, alvin's going to leave, most of my friends here are leaving, i have no summer plans yet, in fact i have no plans for anything. what do i have in the future? it's all so confusing, i'm really just not thinking about the concept of security, the Cold War, realism and liberalism, Kenneth Waltz or whatever. i'm thinking i'm so lost.
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