170202, 0112hr, central time.

yes, i'm still around. no, i've not been writing. i've tried though, i've written a couple of entries, then deleted them. because i sounded too miserable. and i hate it when i sound like i'm soliciting consolations from people. i hate it when i sound melodramatic.

sigh.

first of all, my japan exchange is likely to not come true. because of some university rule that none of my advisors has bothered to tell me about. i went to the college office on wednesday to file my application - the final step of the process, really. my record officer casually asked when i was graduating, and immediately transferred me to another desk when i said next spring. as it turns out, i will not be able to graduate next spring if i leave campus for a semestral exchange program in my senior year. so on wednesday, the first day i knew about this rule, my dream of studying in japan was rudely interrupted. i handed in an appeal form, but frankly, the success rate of such appeals is very low. i'm not too optimistic.

so forget about learning japanese there. forget about stepping out of this campus. forget about expanding my comfort zone. forget about everything. i'm going to stay here. of course there're pros of me staying back as well, such as not having to worry about my housing problems anymore. not having to save up anymore, and if alvin stays here for grad school, not having to worry about long-distance relationships anymore. of course there're pros. but still. i'm just so extremely disappointed. even if the exchange program was destined to be a flop, even if i was to end up not advancing much for my japanese, even if i was to feel completely miserable and lonely in japan. i would never know. and really, i was ready to go find out. filing the application at the office was the last step of my application. i started thinking about this at least a year ago, my preparations started last year, i thought everything was going well as planned. and wham bham everything turned to nothing on wednesday. can someone say "so near yet so far"?

i cried so much on wednesday, alvin didn't know what to say anymore. i got so exhausted crying, i went on to bake cookies and muffins for my friends for vday. and then i went to sleep. and cried some more.

this is the milder version of the melodramatic account of how i felt on wednesday.

thursday, the vday isn't all that better. alvin and i didn't do anything - in fact, i didn't see him at all till about 10pm at night. i would feel completely ok about it, if people didn't assume that i should be the happiest person on earth on vday. fact is, i felt sad. and the fact that people assumed that i should be happy just made it worse. and if i should break down and actually appear as unhappy as i actually was, i would have to explain to everyone that my exchange program didn't come through, and i'll have to explain everything and blah blah. i felt quite tired, i didn't want to. so i just smiled, and pretended to be okay. and it just made things worse. actually on wednesday i saw shaun on his way to deliver flowers to some girls, he joked that he didn't buy any flowers for me because i have alvin and shouldn't need his flowers anymore, with the wink in the eye like "c'mon, lucky you!" ah, if only he knew my nose was red not from the cold but from crying. if only he knew i was in a daze because i was still in shock. [yes, now you know huh.] you know how the more you try to smile, the more you want to cry? try it sometimes.

i'm trying to not think so much about things now, till the results of my appeal come back to me. maybe i can still go after all. maybe the university will take pity on me and let me go. maybe i don't want to go anymore. maybe i don't want to graduate anymore.

whatever it is, i'm not a happy person right now.