110202, 1754hr, central time.

this entry was inspired by electrin. the question: who's more important - friends or lover?

[y'know, on a side note, i find it so awkward to say lover cos it implies so much more than what i really want to imply. but then, significant other has got too many letters to type. boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife sets a marital status or none. partner sounds too PC too. argh! mental conflict. bleah.]

i would mention family, except i think it's too generic to imply everyone's relationship with their family members are good, or at least as good as mine. and in this case, this may or may not be up to them, as in one cannot choose one's own family members, and sometimes despite efforts, if they don't have a happy family, it's quite pointless to debate if family or romance is more important. i'm also not putting marriage into this, because i think after marriage, you're talking about family. which is in another dimsension of argument altogether. on the other hand, one can choose one's friends - it can be assumed that if you are good friends with someone, you do like that person very much, and that he/she is important to your emotional well-being. right? so right now, i'm really discussing the relative importance of platonic friends, and romantic lovers.

so with the background all set up, what do you think? friends - the ones who perhaps witnessed your awkward teenage years, your ugly breakups, your happiest and saddest moments. or lover - the one your heart beats for, the one who gives you the shivers [i mean shivers in a good way], the one who gave you the happiest and saddest moments of your life.

people may differ on this, but i perceive importance as in relation to how much i would hate to lose it, and because of that, despite everyone's prediction since secondary school days, i say friends are more important.

[god, this is a difficult one, how should i explain this...]

i would really hate to lose my friends, more so than losing my boyfriend right now. strange isn't it, considering how long i've been whining about being loveless and pathetic, and being lonely, and being too ugly get to married. [no wait, that's my brother, not me. haha.] but really, i hold my friends more closely to my heart, than any boyfriend i ever had, simply because none of the guys were able to hold my attention and interest as long as my oldest best friends have. it's quite possibly from the nature of the relationship as well, which i guess i should talk about later too. but the single most important factor is that most of my good friends have been with me for a long time. there's just no way anyone can replace all that history i have with them.

i've known poachie, mingchen, xinyi and gang for 9 years now. agnes and gang have been there for me for 5 years. i obviously have a relatively short history with my uiuc friends, but they are also the ones who saw me through my darkest loneliest days overseas. as i wrote in xinyi's autograph book before [i remember i wrote in hers, because she commented on it years after that, and reminded me of it] the best friendships tend to be quite plain, and simple. i just called xinyi that day, to ask how she's doing, and the strange thing is, i've not talked to her for half a year, and we couldn't stop talking! just like our conversations 9 years ago. people and circumstances change of course, but some things just don't change. and i really appreciate that about my friends. i missed poachie so much while she was in italy, because i couldn't talk to her on icq. now that she's back in the states, we still don't chat on icq, because i have such an obscene amount of work to do everyday. but still, i just feel, and know, that when we do chat, she'll care for me, as much as before, and as much as i do for her. we sort of just drift along in life, keeping one another near enough, to know enough. a comfortable distance i guess.

in what way would this make friends more important than my boyfriend then? i'm not saying i don't care for my boyfriend [or any of my ex's] of course. of course i do. but i also know that all of my friends have outlasted my longest relationship. maybe it's to do with me, maybe i'm really such a commitment phobe all romantic relationships are destined to have an expiry date. but i am also inclined to believe that my friendships last so long because we do not make demands on one another. i'm guilty of forgetting everyone's birthday, i'm also guilty of not emailing. but see, when i do remember, and when i do email, i know my friends will always welcome me back, i know they will not hold any grudges, because there weren't any implicit or explicit expectations to begin with.

am i not afraid of losing my boyfriend? yes and no. yes, of course i'm afraid, because no matter what, i've grown so accustomed to having him in my life, i cannot imagine going back to the days when he wasn't. yet, no i'm not afraid of losing him, because somehow, i know that if we are not meant to be together, we will eventually have to part, regardless. yet, if we're meant to be, losing him would simply mean that i had let him go myself, and that i have deserved it anyway. what's there to fear - it's an all or nothing situation. it's like saying i can either live or i can die. of course i would rather live, but if i have to die, then why bother worrying, and fearing it?

on the other hand, friendships, by virtue of the intangible balance between being close, and yet comfortably apart, i think friendships are more delicate. see, friends don't break up with you, they drift away from you, which is a far more painful and heart-breaking process. boyfriends - when one is gone, i mourn for a while, i wrap up the memories, bury the pain, and wait for another guy to come along to fill up the spot on top of it. with friends, it's just so impossible to do that, because you keep on hoping he/she will come drifting back one day. so you leave the gaping wound open, because no one else can take that place anyway. some other guy can hold you close too, but no one else would possibly write funny mushroom conversations with you. some other guy can give you all the kisses and hugs, but no one else would remember I Love Lucy episodes with you. the worst case scenario is of course when a good friend becomes your lover too - in that case, of course, the pain of losing him/her would double.

i thought of talking about friends being pillars of support during romantic troubles. i also thought i should mention that friends can always provide a clear perspective on your life, that lovers may not be able to. but you know, all these are rational arguments, which i'm just not in the mood for, i'm more in a soppy mood today. i guess this entry isn't really an argument, it's more like a personal declaration. friends always have a special place in my heart. guys come and go [for me anyway], friends stick around a little more. and i appreciate that.

really, vday isn't just about romantic love. happy vday, dearies.