190102, 0155hr, florida time.

if only.

sometimes, i feel like things are spinning out of my control. someone else is running the show for my life now, and i resent that. i don't resent that person, but i resent myself, for letting that happen. who else can be i talking about?

poachie dear called just now, it's been eons since we last talked on the phone. i'm so glad to hear her voice. we talked about common friends, and about our respective relationships. she asked, "do you love him?" i said some stuff i wouldn't say here. but basically the gist is, i don't know. sometimes i do. like when he pulls me back when i pretend to leave. like when i hold him from behind his chair and he traps me instead. like when i feel like i should be angry with him and yet i can't really do it. i've even developed affection for his unshaven look. yet. i don't know.

today's been terrible. it's supposed to be some guys night out thing, to celebrate engguan's birthday. i wanted to have dinner with alvin, but since he's going to have dinner with the guys, i had a heavy lunch so i didn't have to eat dinner - alone. i didn't want to feel lonely, so i decided i should probably concentrate on doing my work. so i spent the night in my room, trying to do my readings. all the time wondering why alvin's not back from dinner yet. then it turns out that he's already back, he's watching DVD with the guys, only he didn't tell me. so the whole darn night, i was alone in my basement room, trying to read but quietly feeling increasingly resentful. even if i knew he was going to spend the whole evening with the guys, would anything be different? no, cos i wouldn't have anything else to do, anywhere else anyway.

and i really i hate that.

i hate being so dependent, i hate being so pathetically attached. to a man who's not equally attached to me. i really hate that.

i especially feel pathetic that at 1.30am, i finally felt hungry and went upstairs to bake some muffins for my midnight dinner. lynn was around too, with her boyfriend. we didn't talk for long, just about long enough to finish with our muffins. her boyfriend was watching tv in the living room, so i felt even worse after talking to her, wondering if i was taking up their couple-y time. whatever.

as if i wasn't already depressed enough, my life crumples further tonight. from sheer revelation that i have become too reliant on one man. i don't like having to define my life around whether alvin is around. i don't like having no social life outside of kitchen chatting with my housemates. i really have no life. sometimes i wonder, if i should suddenly drop dead in my room, besides the stench, how long will be it be before someone finds my body. the strangest thing about my life right now is, i feel like i have no life and everyone else seems to think i have a very active lifestyle. which will be why no one will notice me missing. ah, she's probably ushering. at class. doing her work. out with her friends. in alvin's room. out with alvin. whatever. maybe alvin will notice, i don't know. he's still jetlagging, i don't think he has a very accurate sense of time or being as yet. i'm being spiteful now, probably, but maybe he would actually be glad to have some peace and quiet without me around.

i'm whiny. i'm lonely. and very pathetic. that's all.