180102, 1510hr, florida time.

i'm very unhappy. which is why i haven't been writing. because i'm unhappy, i can't think of happy things to say. and yet, i don't know why i'm unhappy, so it's not like i can do some substantial destressing whining here. i don't know what to do!

the first week of school went by quite quickly and smoothly. i'm still not at all enthusiastic about my classes, though i successfully went through the motion of going to class, taking nice neat notes, and doing my homework. [yes, there is already homework due. sigh.] i'm very worried about my international security class, cos i'm really having trouble with the readings, and it's only the first week! sidat was supposed to take this class with me, but it's not really essential to him since this is his last semester, and he doesn't like the workload, so he just dropped the class. now, i'm the lone warrior against the sleep-inducing texts. sigh.

my cute japanese sensei still looks very yummily cute, though i must admit he isn't a very good teacher. my sensei last semester didn't speak very good english, but she made up for it with her enthusiasm. this sem, the sensei is actually a grad student in aeronautical engineering or something, boring like the typical engineer maybe, i don't feel especially inspired in his class. let's hope his yummy good looks is enough to fuel my way through the semester. hahaha. i guess the good thing about being in his class is, he doesn't make the effort like my last sensei does to speak clearly and slowly, he speaks like the way he would normally speak. so it really trains my listening skills to understand his japanese. which i appreciate. but man! [his smile just popped into my mind.] he's cute. arhk.

sometimes, i wonder what it is that's pushing me along to do so many things. i remember feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed by the end of last semester, and wishing i hadn't been so perfectionistic and ambitious. this semester, worse, it's barely the beginning and i am already feeling doubtful of the prospects. it just doesn't seem possible anymore, to have all this energy for everything and everybody. i refuse to believe it's really because i am getting old. it doesn't make sense to me, cos i think with age comes experience and wisdom that will guide me into better time and stress management. i don't even think i'm taking on too many new things at one time. the only new thing i'm doing this semester is the tau beta pi committee. comparing past semesters and now, besides my classes, that's the only additional time commitment; and i don't see how a little thing like that would cause so much psychological stress. maybe that's like the last straw on the camel's back, or something. i'm an overworked camel! hahahahah, it's an interesting idea, seeing myself as a camel.

[momentary ally-mcbeal-like imaginary scene - camel labelled cindy carrying loads of straw, dragging her feet along the lonely windy sandy roads of the sahara desert, whipped by the cruel slavedriver - who's also cindy. *whip whoosh whip* hmm.]

am i'm being too ambitious? i have a sense of deja vu, like i've asked myself this question before - many times. like the semester when i did really badly in school. like the time when i was working backstage for krannert and had to study my programming notes in the dark. like the time when i realise i don't stand a chance at a medal in track despite all the training. like the time i couldn't take my grade 7 piano exam and my piano teacher effectively cheated me of my money for the year of lessons.

yeah, mostly times like that, when i cannot seem to achieve the results i thought i could achieve through hard work. i get frustrated, because it's like i'm not getting it - i don't understand what i did wrong. and now, i feel the same way. except there isn't any tangible result that i'm really aiming for [and am not getting]. i can't really explain what it is that i want. independence? strength? wisdom? knowledge? a mixture of those, i guess, something i wish to cultivate in myself through all my experiences, through all those new stuff i throw myself into. when i came to the states, i knew very clearly what i wanted, and it's already been 2.5 years and i'm still not there yet. it's frustrating. there's only so many times i can will myself out of my comfort zone. i think my exchange program next semester will be the last time, and my best bet.

i don't think this is why i'm feeling unhappy though. i wasn't even thinking of this till just now. or maybe it is related, in some ways. i don't know. oh well. i think i need to see a doctor. [as in really, i have a very bad cold right now.]

thank god it's friday.