051201, 0846hr, illinois time.

are people intrinsically good? or is everyone selfish by nature? does true goodness exist?

if people are nice to me, does this behavior stem from a friendliness with no strings attached, or are they thinking i would be of use to them in the future? [maybe everyone's nice to me because i am afterall a psc scholar, as alvin puts it, i'm "going places."] or, they might just be pining for my muffins/cookies/cakes. haha. or, they might want to project an image of being nice so they can get into somebody else's good books. or, they might be nice really just so they can boost their own pathetic egos and believe that they can be kind to the unfortunate. is it ever possible, that someone is nice purely to bring joy to someone else?

i always thought that was why people are nice - to make other people happy. yes, forgive my naivety. apparently, the world isn't made up of people like stupid me huh.

i've been a doormat all my life, people take advantage of me all the time, because i'm usually too weak to say no. too weak to stay angry at somebody who's stepped over the line. too weak to be not nice. i do believe it's got to do with my upbringing. to tolerate, so harmony can be maintained - after all, with my two brothers around, my mom would of course much rather i just shut up and not create too much trouble. i was a quiet kid, because it's easier to stay out of trouble that way. but maybe that's also how i've become too accustomed to just swallowing my woes and unhappiness. maybe i'll drop a tear or two, but i don't like to complain, and i go out of my way to pacify or please the people around me. it's just easier that way.

so now, people take me for granted, because "cindy's a nice person." that's all. being a nice person has it privileges, such as hearing more compliments, and being more well-liked. but at a price - being burdened unnecessarily by sheer expectations, the time and effort uncompensated or underappreciated, and a loss of credibility.

nope, i'm not bitter - that people take advantage of me - because ultimately, i still believe in what my dad's taught me: better to be taken advantage of, than to take advantage of others. sometimes, it's still better to be the stupid one, and just go along with the flow, because it is a tougher job defending oneself from everyone else all the time. this is my weakness, i know, but i think it's also my strength.

so no, not bitter. i'm just sad. to mourn the loss of innocence.