031201, 2124hr, illinois time.

i've fallen back into the habit of watching ally mcbeal, i'm afraid. i did it last week because i was suddenly inspired to remember, and i was in such a foul mood i wanted to watch something that would make me laugh. i was hoping. it kinda did, i guess, i wanted to laugh anyway. today, i don't know what made me watch it again [besides the very babelicious glen of course.] and really, i shouldn't have.

besides the fact that i have a lot of work to do and that hour in front of the tv can definitely be better spend in front of my computer. besides the fact that my living room is freezingly cold and half the show's advertisements anyway. besides the fact that the episode today isn't that great anyway. besides the fact that i feel like a loser laughing at the tv alone. but mostly, i feel like i shouldn't, because it makes me feel all sad inside. it's really not a happy show, i feel. ally mcbeal is a sad character, don't you think?

watching the show today made me miss alvin a lot. he's gone to watch the aerosmith concert with shaun, i don't know why i miss him - he'll be back soon, i expect. but i just miss him.

and i get all tingly in my nose again, because i remember ally mcbeal said last week, "the wrong ones don't hurt. it's the right one." and i'm scared. i can name a gazillion and one things wrong with alvin and i, that i would sensibly say, "nah, we won't make it. can take things easy and just enjoy the moment." but strangely, i don't care about those gazillion of things against us. i'm worried about that one - that i actually want this to work out and i've never felt this way before. i'm scared. i think i'm falling in love with this boy of mine. i'm scared to hell. i'm going to ruin everything.

alvin's not a lovey dovey kind of guy, neither am i the sweetie girlfriend. we go about our usual daily stuff, once in a while stealing a hug or two. he's been so preoccupied with his grad school applications and me freaking out over my work, we're hardly a together kind of couple these days. and it's tearing me apart, because really all i want is to sit in a chair reading a book while waiting for him to finish his computer game. to fall asleep in his bed, knowing he'll come hold me when he's ready to sleep. to see him talk animatedly about anything he wants to talk about. to cook for him. to have him ruffle my hair while driving with his other hand. to tickle him. to have him sing for me, and me for him. to hold his hand. sigh. i miss him.

so here i am, missing him. loving him. thinking of him, while he's having a rockin' good time at the concert. when he comes back, he shall see me doing my work, and mildly irritated with myself for being so slow, and with him for disturbing me. yeah, i'm kinda hypocritical that way. such a silly girl. that's what ally mcbeal does to me - turns me into a sillier girl than i already am. and makes me more scared than i already am. of love. sigh.