291101, 2103hr, illinois time.

i want to go home.

sigh. i don't know if it's really because i'm homesick or because i'm feeling so stressed up i just want to escape everything and singapore seems to be furthest nicest place i can go.

eversince my little bro went to germany, my dad, him and i have kept up with this emailing thing, which is kinda cute, and very nice. "here are some pictures of my room." "aiyah, liverpool is going to sell fowler to leeds!" "mom has been exercising, which is good." it's all so nice, heartwarming and loving, i always feel a little tingle in my nose when i read these emails, whatever they say. i've always been a homesick person, every little thing i see or hear can remind me of my family. but now with the email thing, it just gets worse, because they all feel so near - even my mom, who's theoretically not on the email list, also feels so near because dad talks about her - and yet they're all so far away. near enough to "hear" but not enough to touch - it's just killing me! but how i can i say no to hearing from my family members?

maybe it's also the weather getting to me too - it's been rainy and dreary for about 3 days now, i finally dug out my winter coat and all the necessary accessories to fend myself against the elements. it's not so cold that my butt is freezing, but the mood is still affected. it's hard to feel upbeat when everything around you looks dull. did my old trick of putting on bright-colored sweaters - seriously i think that orange sweater i have is hideous, but it is the brightest one i have - but i consider feeling like the world has come to a standstill, stuck in a greyscale frame of nothingness.

i wish things really did come to standstill though, so i could stop panicking about everything that i need to do. need to do assignments. need to do my readings. need to study for quiz because it's the last chance to pull up my score. need to do japanese/engineering/political science homework. need to reply emails. need to prepare for exams. need to do assignments. and more assignments. and more. i just feel like time is running out, because the finals are near. the end of the semester is near. which means there's no more "i'll do better next time" or "will do more when i'm freer." because there's no more second chance, and i will not get any freer in this semester.

it's not even like my life depends on my gpa. it's more about knowing i can do it, and actually doing it. i know i can do it because i've done it before, i just need to find the discipline to stick to my plans. and the passion for the material - i know i do love the stuff i'm learning now. and most of all, the energy to actually move my butt into action.

but i'm stuck. inertia in this greyscale dreary world. i want to go home - where it's sunny and warm. where my mommy is. where maybe i don't have to think about anything.