271101, 1529hr, illinois time.

i'm losing the journal-writing drive. in fact, i'm also losing the drive to eat, to shower and to talk. i still do all that though, of course. i'm just saying i don't feel motivated or spirited these days to do anything at all, because i'm constantly thinking about my homework. and about my future. the latter is of course alvin's fault - he's doing his grad school applications now, and he's extrapolating making plans for next year into making plans for the distant future. "it'll be better for me to stay here [as in america]." horrors. with respect to his plans, of course i too start thinking about my future plans - and it doesn't look very good, and it's a whole long story of how i have to work in the civil service after i graduate. which ministry, what kind of job, what kind of prospects, i don't know. all i know is, i cannot make a career out of civil service in singapore, and it depresses me, because i once had dreams that i could.

sigh.

sunday night was the best conclusion i could ever hope for to my thanksgiving break. my friends and i drove down to springfield to watch a riverdance performance. it was terrific! i loved the stage design, i thought it was beautiful and very smart. [don't make me describe it here, i can't.] and it seemed like everyone on that show was so talented - the musicians, the singers, and of course the irish dancers.

one segment of the performance was about 3 american tap dancers challenging 3 irish dancers, y'know, like who can dance better. goodness, i never laughed so hard in a dance performance before. like i always believed, tap dancing was a beautiful and happy dance. there's no way one can possibly feel sad, creating rhythm with one's 2 feet. it was hilarious. and i wish i could dance. really dance. i used to want to do ballet, and i still think it would probably have done me good - train my posture, at the very least. now, i want to do tap dancing. heh. think it might irritate the hell out of the people around me if i start tapping my feet wherever i go. heh. seriously, i feel like i have a dancing bone, and it's fighting its way out. but sorry man, i have a dancing bone but no dancing muscles - i've tried, and i know i'm not a good dancer. sigh. so sad. i wish i can dance.

anyway, the show was great. at first i was quite apprehensive about driving all the way down there to catch the show, but i'm glad i eventually said, "heck the school work, i have to watch this show." thank god for my impulsive decision.

monday was a disastrous day though. i actually broke down and cried before alvin again. i think he's the most sensible person ever, i felt so silly after talking to him. it was a combination of a lot of things - oversleeping for work and getting my supervisor all mad; not finishing my assignments as i had planned, oversleeping for class - basically nothing really serious but all added up to misery on a dreary rainy day. and alvin brought me back to my senses.

sometimes though, i wish i didn't have to act sensible. i wish i could sulk in bed. i wish i could feel miserable when i want to, instead of forcing myself to cheer up. alvin dragged me out of my dark basement room, and really tried to cheer me up. i guess it somehow worked a little. but i know the gloominess isn't completely gone. see, i don't even feel like eating anymore. something's definitely wrong. sigh.