061101, 2049hr, illinois time.

alvin pissed me off for about 5 seconds just now. he asked that i stop writing in my journal, cos it's taking up too much of my time. i stopped short in my track [i was going back to my room to write.] i turned, and said, "don't ever say that again. you're pissing me off." it felt so weird, i was so intensely insulted, for that 5 seconds, but i immediately forgave him, because this really is a world of communication and in fact, lifestyle that he doesn't understand. he sees it as a waste of time, i see it as my source of energy and direction.

i'm not sure if i'm the only online journalist to do this, but i like to read back on my own entries. not so much cos i think i write so damn well, but cos sometimes when you read what you wrote, a few hours later, you get a brand new perspective on what you just wrote. [and catch a lot of typo and grammar mistakes too.] when i get too whiny, i know, cos i feel irritated by myself a few hours later when i reread my entry. when i feel lost, i may get the answer again a few hours later. or even a day later, a week later.

the key to this is to really just keep talking, sometimes, the answer lies within you, you just couldn't see it.

and alvin doesn't understand all that, i wonder if he ever will. he probably think it's for vanity reasons, or something. not as a statement of disappointment or despair, but i think alvin doesn't know me well enough.

on sunday, i was sitting in his room, typing on my 6-page essay due on monday. it wasn't an easy paper, but it's after all only 6 pages, and i did start preparing 3 days in advance, it was a matter of putting my ideas into coherent sentences and paragraphs. and yet, i couldn't. after an agonizing 3 hours, i produced only 1.5 pages of crap. i was extremely disappointed and frustrated. and tired. and very very stressed up. i walked around, whined, organized and reorganized my essay plan, walked around more. finally, i collapsed into alvin's bed, and i closed my eyes, trying to get a grip on myself. alvin then commented, "why do you sleep so much?" i presume he thought i was going to sleep again, cos i took a nap in his room that afternoon too.

it wasn't like he meant to criticize, but i just started crying. he panicked and tried to soothe me, he's such a dork, and so clumsy in trying to console me, i couldn't help but feel kinda tickled, so i stopped crying. but still, the feeling of being misunderstood. i know he was also dissatisfied with how long i'm taking with the essay. how i'm so inefficient with my work. how i seem to be such a lazy bum. at one point, before that, he commented jokingly, "am i really so distracting you cannot do your work? let's break up then." i knew that he was joking, but it was still a shock, because i'm intensely sensitive to the words of b.r.e.a.k u.p.

to alvin, everything's really straight forward, see the problem and then solve it. no dilly dally, don't waste any time. but i don't work that way, i work slow, i think a lot, about all aspects of everything, i consider and reconsider. i even think about what i think and wonder why i think what i think. that's how complicated i am, of course alvin's not the only one to think i'm crazy. but still, i'd rather he saw me as adorable-crazy, rather pathetic-crazy.

i don't want alvin to think the way i do either, i like him being the simple straight forward guy he is, but i need him to understand why i need this journal - because it offers me something that nothing, and no one else can offer. this journal listens. so it can later talk to me again, and tell me the solutions. i didn't say all this to alvin, because he's still going to think i'm crazy anyway. haha. or maybe i should show him this journal entry. he's the only one here on uiuc who has this url but doesn't bother to read.

sigh. alvin my dear.

shout out: joen's upset over something, i'm not sure what. but hey, cheer up, dude. like i said, the answer is within you. keep writing, it helps. it's your right to write whatever you need.