241001, 1828hr, illinois time.

it's kinda funny. today i saw a flyer at the library where i work. it says "single is good, but a couple is better." hahahahahahahaha....my my my, is it my imagination or something? haha. actually, it's a flyer about an upcoming seminar held in the building, something about single molecule observation techniques and dunno what else, to do with physics research. but the timing is uncanny. i'm part of a couple now. wow. i feel like i've been with alvin forever, so comfortable i feel, but really, it's been less than a week. wow.

i read the straits times overseas edition today too, and i saw a part about this guy who died in a car accident. for a moment there, i thought it was ws cos the name sounded the same, then i realised it cannot be, cos first of all, he's not in singapore, and secondly, he just sent me a mail a couple of days back. ahem. but that gave me a fright. and really, it might just be that my brain's been primed, cos alvin asked me about him, yesterday. that silly guy wants to know more about him, but i didn't say much. there's still a lot that alvin doesn't know about me.

yesterday, i got upset with alvin for a while. one moment, we were teasing, the next, i got upset by something he said. he got so apologetic, i even felt bad for being so sensitive to what he said. because i know he didn't mean what he said, i know he's not exactly the most eloquent and sensitive guy around, i know it's really just my own paranoia that gave rise to this problem. but i got upset nonetheless. i think i'm such a terrible person, i freaked alvin out, i'm sure. he's so sweet, the way he stammered his explanation and reassurances out, before finally held my hand tight and tried his best to pass his sincerity through his hands to me, i guess.

and that's the kind of person i am, i take my insecurities out on others. i like to imagine the worst in my boyfriends. the past guys who tried to keep me, i didn't believe them when they said they liked me and that there was something worthwhile in our relationship, because i imagine they must be either stupid or blind to feel that. and now, i feel the same about alvin. i'm not saying he's out to deceive me, but i sometimes feel that he's with me, for the wrong reasons. exactly the same way i felt when i broke up with ws. shit. and so, when he said the wrong thing yesterday, i flared up. actually, i didn't. but i dropped into silence. and i genuinely felt sad, like my worst insecurity has turned out to be true. of course, he quickly said sorry, and i quickly chided myself for being such an idiot. shoo, that irritating insecurity, shoo. i hate myself when i do this to myself.

this guy reads my journal, he sent me a congratulatory mail, and i replied with something like "you will find a girl for yourself soon," that kinda stuff. today, i got his reply again, and he said that he's kinda cynial, and that "in reality, people come into your secret garden, take all your fruits and leave ye high and dry." or something like that, i'm not poetic the way he is. gosh, that's exactly the way i felt. or maybe somewhere, in the darkest corners of my little heart, i still feel this way today. no relationship lasts after there's no more use of me in his life, or after he finds someone more "useful". for companionship, whatever. i hate myself for feeling this way, feeling like people choose to be with me only because i'm of some use to them. i hate feeling this way, because it hurts my self-esteem, and it is demeaning to the people i care for. bleah.

god, i've started going out with alvin less than a week ago. surely this is too early for my insecurity devils to start creeping in to haunt me. please, shoo. please.