221001, 1638hr, illinois time.

i went over to a friend's place for lunch today, because he cooked pi dan porridge, served with you tiao. i don't know how to explain pi dan - if i'm not wrong, i think it's preserved duck egg or something. the "white" of the egg is kinda a transparent black gelatin-like thing, and the york greyish and sticky....i think if i describe it any further, it'll just sound gross. but really, the porridge was wonderful, even my mom doesn't cook like this. i don't come from a gourmet family like my friend's, to think of putting abalone into porridge. eek. haha..yes, there was abalone in that porridge. drool.

anyway, after lunch, he showed me his CD collection, and it was interesting to see how much "old" music we both like, and how much meaning and comfort we derive from the lyrics of these old songs. we had a very animated discussion about the songs we liked, and the songs we used to listen to. he played the sandy lam CD for me, and as i listened, paying attention to the lyrics, i felt touched, by the songs. it was quite a weird feeling, identifying once again with these old songs. actually, not that old. songs that grew up with me through my adeolescent years. hmm. ok, just a little bit old i guess. haha.

i have a theory about songs - as time goes by, as my own memory becomes enriched with my personal experiences, and whatever that's happened around me, old songs also appear richer than they used to be. it's almost like as a typical adolescent, the songs were wasted on me, that i didn't get most of the meaning behind the songs, i didn't understand how people could cry listening to certain songs. now, i know. i can understand how one can be both happy and sad at the same time; how much it really means to be lost, and then found; how much pain and emptiness can exist in one's heart; how intense wu nai** really can be. wow.

of course, it's not that i didn't find songs to identify with when i was young. the time when i left primary school, i was so upset about leaving my friends and going to a new school, i cried at this boy band's song about parting friends. it just seemed so revelant to me. so one day, while going home in my dad's car, tears just fell, as i listened to the song on the radio. freshman year, when i felt so lonely and depressed, away from home, i cried at the huang cheng song dang ni gu dan ni hui xiang qi shui. i really hit rock bottom then, shutting myself in my dimly lit room, leaving the windows open so i would be cold and even more miserable. but those songs were different, those songs had special meaning only because i attached memories of people to them, that i shared those songs with specific characters in my life.

today, i found new songs i could identify with - because i know how it feels like. so much emotion.

and it of course affects the way i sing. alvin's always asked me to put emotions into the way i sing. [we both like to sing.] and angel told me that day that the way i sing has changed, since the times when we used to hang out together in her or my room, singing songs we both liked. result of a year hanging out with alvin, singing with him the songs that we like, apparently my style has changed. i don't remember what angel said exactly about what's different, but i guess it's become more powerful, and far more emotional. and it all makes sense now, because now, to me music isn't just a matter of tune and words anymore. it's about feelings, and sharing them with the rest of the world.

i feel like singing. a happy song, of course. haha...