191001, 1050hr, illinois time.

i think i've done the wrong thing again. omigod.

that silly boy, silly silly boy. does he even know what he's getting himself into? i think i do - he's heading for some terrible knowledge of how cindy really isn't as nice as she seems. regret at having liked her at all. confusion at how complicated she really is. disgust at having been deceived by her. sadness for not being able to help her who cannot help herself. and anger, that she didn't reject him.

i think i just did a terrible thing, though his smile seemed so grateful and happy i probably shouldn't feel that way. it's not a matter of deceiving him, i told him everything, i warned him about my problems, i told him i was a jinx for any guy who falls for me, but he refused to believe me. for a moment, as he held my hand to his chest, and earnestly said, "no, you're not." for a moment there, i believed him. and so i said yes. god, what was i thinking? oh dear, it must be that fever in my head that did this to me. shit.

i just sent out 2 letters out to my friends yesterday, telling them about how i have to get away from guys. how i cannot afford to lead this guy on. how i have to sort out my own problems first before i step into the romantic realm again. i gave myself half a year. i told myself that i will not get romantically involved with anyone till next year, at the earliest. i told myself that it's time for me to devote some time and energy for loving myself instead of depending on someone to love me. i said all that, or at least meant to say all that, in those 2 letters, i was hoping my friends could reply to those letters and tell me, or at least remind me of what to do. of how to handle this sticky situation.

but it's all too late - before the letters can possibly get to them, i already gave in, based on him telling me that he will not be angry with me, that he will take care of me, that he loves me. i believe him, i believe that he believed all that he said, but i cannot believe myself, that i will not run away again.

that's how i feel right now, that i want to run away. away from him, from here, from all this crap. i guess that's how i felt the last time round too, and i conveniently ran back here to campus. this time, cindy the escapist wants to leave campus and go somewhere far far away, but i cannot. i cannot do that, because if i run again, i will truly be a coward, i will forever be guilt-ridden for having hurt another guy, i will hurt him. i cannot run forever. damn it. but i wish he didn't hold me that way, that made me have no choice but to melt and lose my bearings. i wish he didn't look so hurt when he saw that i was going to say no. i wish i didn't feel the tenderness and sincerity in his words. i wish i didn't like him.

ah, the golden question, do i like him? i don't know. i would usually trust my gut feeling, but even my gut feeling is a messy confusion. do i like him for being such a genuine sweetie? do i like him for having become such a sensible and reliable guy? or do i like him because i knew that he liked me and i had no one else to go to anyway. my gut feeling says that he'll be good for me, but it also tells me that i'll be bad for him. this is all very bad timing, i wish he had given me more time to sort my thoughts out, i wish i could wait till next year, when my feelings towards him would probably become clearer. but he couldn't wait, because he wants to know if he should stay here with me. and i couldn't wait, because his sincerity was overwhelmingly comforting, his sadness painful. i indulged him, and myself, for that moment, and now my rational mind says i'm a stupid idiot.

i'm scared. someday he's going to hate me. i hate myself already.

* * *

[1415h] : he says i don't have to accept him completely now. he'll give me some time, we are not an item until i'm ready. he says he doesn't want to stress me up, that it's ok. he says there's nothing to be scared about. sigh. such a sweetie, he is. i'm a lucky idiot.